Lessons from your 40s
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Anonymous
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I’m in my early 40s with three kids in elementary school and a demanding job that I am not as committed to now that the kids are getting older so quickly. I’m struggling to stay in shape and not drink too much. My marriage is strong but we’re pretty introverted and see so many of our contemporaries socializing with other parents several times a week.
Men and women who have made it through this phase — please share your words of wisdom and advice and tell me what to expect and how to navigate these years. I’m exhausted already and I’m worried about the next 10 years going by in a blink and not doing a good job with my kids. Any thoughts and words of advice much appreciated! |
Anonymous
| #1 rule, do not compare yourselves to other families |
Anonymous
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Op, I’m in a similar situation so I can’t speak from the perspective of hindsight, but here’s what I am trying to do:
Get strong before menopause. Strength training and yoga. Savor the time with my kids. They’ll be teens in a heartbeat. Watch the drinking. I’m not trying to turn into my alcoholic parents. Looking forward to hearing from those who have other suggestions. |
Anonymous
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Invest in your health. Nothing is more precious. Seriously. |
Anonymous
| Don’t compare your life to anyone else’s. Just stay focused on your family, your health and your job and in ten years you will be fine. Your kids will grow up so fast so enjoy them now when they really need you. |
Anonymous
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Agree with the suggestion not to get caught up in DMV competitiveness -- not about houses, jewelry, cars, kids, etc.
Take care of your health and stay strong and fit. Find one thing you love and do it for yourself -- gardening, learning a language, music, tennis, whatever makes you happy and feel good about yourself. Volunteer as a family. Nurture a few family traditions -- something as simple as having a picnic on the last day of school can become a memory that you all treasure. Take care of your friendships -- you don't need a lot of friends, but having a few people you can laugh with and be honest with and lean on can mean a lot. Treat your children with tenderness and show them unconditional love. That gets harder to do as they get older, but it's even more important than when they were babies. Appreciate your spouse and spend some time together. Date night always felt too artificial to us, but we love the outdoors, so we would set aside time for a hike or even just for walking the dog. And we love movies, so we would make it a regular thing to watch movies together -- old favorites were nice, but it was really fun to watch new films. It helped us to remember that we could have fun together. |
Anonymous
This is particularly important in your 40's - your metabolism slows down, and you naturally lose a step between age 40 and 50. If you don't take care of yourself, it is easy to slide into being fat and prematurely old - and it is hard to dig out of that hole. |
Anonymous
Not only this, but revel in the fact that you are healthy (if indeed you are). Out of the blue I was diagnosed with cancer at age 44 when DD was 7. Had been perfectly healthy to that point. Don't take feeling good for granted (of course, that's a covid lesson too). Also enjoy as much kid time as you can, all the silly stuff and cuddling because that phase really will be over in a blink of an eye once middle school hits. But know that although your relationship with your kids will change and even when things get super hard during adolescence both you and they should emerge unscathed by the time you're in your 50s and they're in college! |
Anonymous
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In my 60s and loving it now but the 40s were really hard. My advice is to keep working out as best you can. What has made a big difference for me is that I kept somewhat in shape so when I got older - and the kid was launched, debts paid off, and I had reasonable career accomplishments - I felt healthy and strong. That helps a lot with my quality of life. But then I've always been a jock. That might not be as helpful to someone with different priorities.
Also you asked about dealing with the "now," and not what the future may have to offer. In addition to working out if you can, pay attention to your kids - what they're not telling you outright as well as what they're telling you. Don't be afraid to get them therapy and medication if they need it. My kid had a horrible adolescence. I did too so I figured I should have been able to keep her from suffering the same way - but I didn't. That was profoundly humbling. However, we did try to get her help as soon as she needed it and she's doing pretty well today. But all in all take care of yourself - don't let your worries for your family keep you from that! |
Anonymous
| Not OP but why all the advice about health? What if getting fat isn’t a concern? I’m nearing 40 and looking for more motivation to be healthy. |
Anonymous
Exercise will help your mood and your sleep as you enter menopause, and will reduce your chances of getting all kinds of nasty diseases. Even if you are thin. Right around 40 was when my friends started getting cancer and other serious health scares. There's always someone having a major problem and I know one day my number will come up. |
Anonymous
| NP, but keep these coming! At 44, I think I am slowing sliding into "doing everything wrong" and this is a very helpful eye-opener! (Kids 6 and 8 BTW...) |
Anonymous
| I’m 35 and also enjoying this thread! Keep it coming! |
Anonymous
| If you’re miserable, get out of the situation while you still have a chance at finding something worthwhile. |
Anonymous
| I'm 46 with 11 and 9 year olds. The health advice is great. I really really need to heed this. |