Five year old is a tantrum throwing perfectionist

[Anonymous]

Any resources or referrals appreciated.

Any time kid makes a mistake while trying to read or play her instrument lately it’s an immediate tantrum about having made a mistake. We’re trying to reassure her that making mistakes is normal and how she learns and that all we care about is that she’s trying. We’re not pushing. She wanted to play the instrument and pick up books. I told her we could put the instrument away for a while and that I would just read and that turned into more tears because she really wants to read and play but she just wants to do it perfectly.

I’m at a loss. I don’t know what to do. I am very Type A and anxious but have been very mindful not to pass this down. Apparently I haven’t been successful. Is there someone I can have her talk to?

[Anonymous]

Following, as we have a similar issue with our 3 year old. We are also consciously trying not to pass these traits down to her but sometimes I notice my husband correcting little things with her when they play (I may do this too, it's easier to see with a partner than with yourself, I'm sure) and I think she is absorbing it. Would love advice on how to address or what others have done that helped.

[Anonymous]

My five year old was like this. We saw a therapist who helped, and he has matured. At seven, we see it but much less.

[Anonymous]

We worked on how to fix mistakes and keep going. Like I modeled a TON when I was writing or singing or speaking or playing piano or whatever (I am not a singer or pianist either, so they could see how bad I was, but I took mistakes in stride). I have two kids who both have been like this.

It’s taken a lot of work but they’ve both improved. My 4 year old still struggles but my 7 year old is much better at rolling with it.

[Anonymous]

You can be as mindful as you want but anxiety can be genetic so its likely you passed it down.

[Anonymous]

My son had epic level tantrums at 5 year old and we saw a therapist.

She said I should sit with him and say "im sorry you are having a hard time" and "is there anything I can do to help you calm down" I would hold a book or magazine and pretend to read it so it seemed like I was not giving him much attention, just being there for him. After he stopped the tantrum I would say "im proud of you calming yourself down"

I never for a second thought it would work but he was controlling himself < 6 weeks.

Also. not during the tantrum but before, we would do "cleansing" breaths. So before she is playing the instrument do 5 cleansing breaths... breath in for 5, hold for 5, out for 5, 5 times.

This lowers her anxiety level and it is harder to get frustrated if you start at a 7 it's easy to get to a 10, if you start at a 3 you will most likely only get to a 5.

[Anonymous]

Same issue here. He also freaks out if he’s gently corrected for bad manners or told to not do something dangerous. Only thing I can think is to model myself making a bunch of mistakes in front of him then taking a breath and dealing with them. I also talk about how you can’t learn anything if you don’t make mistakes. Watching for more advice ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son had epic level tantrums at 5 year old and we saw a therapist.

She said I should sit with him and say "im sorry you are having a hard time" and "is there anything I can do to help you calm down" I would hold a book or magazine and pretend to read it so it seemed like I was not giving him much attention, just being there for him. After he stopped the tantrum I would say "im proud of you calming yourself down"

I never for a second thought it would work but he was controlling himself < 6 weeks.

Also. not during the tantrum but before, we would do "cleansing" breaths. So before she is playing the instrument do 5 cleansing breaths... breath in for 5, hold for 5, out for 5, 5 times.

This lowers her anxiety level and it is harder to get frustrated if you start at a 7 it's easy to get to a 10, if you start at a 3 you will most likely only get to a 5.

PP. I follow that same advice from some popular IG psychologist and it just incenses my son. I do stay with him so he knows he’s not being abandoned or rejected for his tantrum but basically saying all the “right things” makes it 100x worse.

[Anonymous]

Aren't they all this way? lol

Mine is exactly like this.

[Anonymous]

When I was 5, I screamed and cursed/denounced God because my feet grew bigger than my favorite pair of shoes. My dad offered to buy me as many pairs as I wanted to replace that one. I wouldn't have it-I wanted only that one.

My younger sister was even worse at 5. We are generally reasonable people now

My DH and my younger brother were pretty chill, but they are the exceptions in both of our families.

My parents did not spend nearly as much time with us as we are currently spending with our children, especially with Covid. But knowing that it's a phase helps to keep my DH and I from losing our minds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Aren't they all this way? lol

Mine is exactly like this.

You joke but kind of yes. Their little brains are still so undeveloped!

[Anonymous]

I am very Type A and anxious but have been very mindful not to pass this down.

Do you mean that you used egg donation OP?

Otherwise, this isn't something that you can just decide not to pass along to your offspring lol.