Should I just tell DS what we have in his college fund?

[Anonymous]

DS is a Junior with great stats - he talks of going to schools like UNC, Wake Forest, Case Western (sort of mid-sized schools), where the tuition is $50K plus R&B. We live in Maryland and I'm confident he will be accepted to UMD CP. Quite simply, by the time college rolls around, I'll have somewhere between $275-300K saved for college, to be split between him and his younger sibling. If he chooses to go to UNC, Wake, etc., it will require some merit aid or loans, and he'll still definitely blow through his share of the funds, with nothing left over for grad school, if he chooses to pursue it. If he goes to UMD CP, he'll likely have $50K or so leftover for graduate school or whatever. DS's main gripe with UMD is that it's too large, and too much of a rah-rah football/basketball school, which is not his thing. I don't want to force him there, but think it's the best move and it's diverse enough that he'll find his smaller tribe. He has many friends with more well-off families that are willing to pay full freight to wherever, so he is a little bummed that we aren't that flush with cash.

Anyway, the question is, whether I should just tell DS what's available, and the consequences of his decision, and let him decide? It may mean that he doesn't go to his dream school, which makes me sad because he's worked so hard, but this is also life and for him to understand that we can't always get what we want.

Thanks for listening.

[Anonymous]

I think you owe him the honesty, so he can make a decision with full information.

Honestly, depending on where he goes for grad school, he might not have to pay for it.

But you owe him a conversation about the implications of each college choice.

[Anonymous]

Yes it’s a great idea to start setting expectations and identifying tradeoffs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS is a Junior with great stats - he talks of going to schools like UNC, Wake Forest, Case Western (sort of mid-sized schools), where the tuition is $50K plus R&B. We live in Maryland and I'm confident he will be accepted to UMD CP. Quite simply, by the time college rolls around, I'll have somewhere between $275-300K saved for college, to be split between him and his younger sibling. If he chooses to go to UNC, Wake, etc., it will require some merit aid or loans, and he'll still definitely blow through his share of the funds, with nothing left over for grad school, if he chooses to pursue it. If he goes to UMD CP, he'll likely have $50K or so leftover for graduate school or whatever. DS's main gripe with UMD is that it's too large, and too much of a rah-rah football/basketball school, which is not his thing. I don't want to force him there, but think it's the best move and it's diverse enough that he'll find his smaller tribe. He has many friends with more well-off families that are willing to pay full freight to wherever, so he is a little bummed that we aren't that flush with cash.

Anyway, the question is, whether I should just tell DS what's available, and the consequences of his decision, and let him decide? It may mean that he doesn't go to his dream school, which makes me sad because he's worked so hard, but this is also life and for him to understand that we can't always get what we want.

Thanks for listening.

He's not being completely honest with you. Anyone whose main gripe is that a school is too into basketball wouldn't seriously consider UNC. Doesn't really change anything, but his reasons for not wanting UMD CP go beyond sports.

[Anonymous]

Yes but don’t say 300 that he needs to share. Just say it’s 150 (or 130) that you have saved up for him.

[Anonymous]

Yes for sure tell him. He needs a frank conversation to know the impact of his choices on his loans/future budget.

I had a full ride to a top 10 public university, but really wanted to go to a private college (Duke- don't ask me why because looking back I think I just liked the idea of it). My parents told me how much they'd spend vs how much in loans I'd need. My dad had spreadsheets prepared. And then I had final options to choose from:
-Public university for free + live in house my parents bought in the college town(they made a ton of money when they sold it 4 years later)= 50k for gradschool plus a new car
-public university for free + dorms= 50k for gradschool
-Duke= no money for grad school and about 75k in student loans from undergraduate.

It was so helpful. My sister had a similar conversation years later and she chose to live at home and then they paid for all of grad school.

[Anonymous]

Yes definitely tell him. If he's going to be responsible for some of the costs, he needs to know what he's getting into.

Make sure you emphasize what the monthly loan payment would be post-graduation for an out-of-state school, and a rough estimate of 3 different salaries he could expect. Then add in rent and he can watch as POOF all his money is GONE. That may help drive it home.

If he needs help carving out a better niche at UMD, help him see how he could do that. The best part of a big school is that there is always some sort of OTHER culture happening, even if it's not what's displayed on ESPN.

[Anonymous]

Yes, of course you should tell him. He may want to apply to some less competitive mid-size schools where he can get merit scholarships to bring the cost down. He might prefer those to UMD-CP. Are you willing to pay for one of his top picks if he gets in? It sounds like you'd rather not, and I think you need to be clear in your own mind about what your upper limit is.

[Anonymous]

We had a sit down with our children when they were in 9th grade explaining what our commitment to college was. We sat down again in 10th grade to remind them as well as 11th grade.... each child is different and needs information communicated in a way that they can understand and digest.

For our family, we did not frame it as "equal" rather "equitable". One child has a learning difference and needs a school that will will be best for their learning needs.

Whatever works for your family - just be clear so your son can make an informed decision.

[Anonymous]

Can you supplement from your monthly income while he is in school or is $300k the total parental contribution? I think you need to tell him the facts and guide his decision from there.

[Anonymous]

I would be honest with him and let him choose. I am a person who would not have done well in a huge school. If he’s like that, I wouldn’t force him there because of price.

[Anonymous]

Yes tell him. We told our son we have $40K/year. He wanted to go to a more expensive school and was motivated and got a scholarship and a few small loans.

My youngest was not motivated so he is doing in state.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes but don’t say 300 that he needs to share. Just say it’s 150 (or 130) that you have saved up for him.

Oh, yes. He’ll resent the sib if he has to share 300. Not an issue if you tell him he gets 130all to himself. Definitely, 100% tell him at least $10,000 less than you actually think you’ll have. It’s better to be pleasantly surprised, than disappointed. Also, go over the finances of loan repayment in painstaking detail. Include scenarios where the economy tanks, and he’s under-employed for a year. My SIL’s parents never talked to her about that and she’s absolutely buried in debt, with huge regrets.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely. I don't understand parents who don't want to discuss college finances with their kids!

DS knows exactly how much we have for him for college. It motivated him to aim for schools that are affordable either because in-state publics or reputation for good merit aid. Our agreement is that anything he doesn't spend on undergrad he can have for grad school.

Both kids have about the same amount but in separate accounts so it's clear what is for each kid.

[Anonymous]

Re: high stats kid
Tell him to check out UMd Banneker Key & Honors. Tell him to check out UGA Honors and Carolina Honors too. UGA offers OOS tuition difference waivers called "Classic City Scholars" and other scholarships.
Carolina does have some scholarships but they are few and far-between and more focused on ECs and community service. Honors program is excellent.
University of South Carolina has many merit scholarships and a rather involved Honors application. Worth it for the student who wants to save $ for grad or prof school.
One may think these Big State Us are rah-rah sports etc. but the Honors students are like their own separate, motivated and supportive group.
Otherwise maybe he needs to sit down and think about setting, majors offered and fit.
Maybe a LAC w/merit?