Is “demanding” a phase or a personality?
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Anonymous
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My 3 yr old is super demanding sometimes. She insists that games have to be played a certain way, books read a certain way, that we must sit in a certain place or say a certain thing. She will demand one parent over the other when she needs help with something. Etc.
I feel like we are handling it ok. We pick our battles and we don’t just let her have what she wants all the time. I’m big on looking for ways to “give” her wins, as I’ve read that kids this age often need to feel more in control of their surrounding and that she needs to feel like she has some choices in life. But she is still very demanding. The way she talks to us sometimes— it sounds like we work for her! So my question is— how much of this is a normal toddler/PK phase and how much is innate personality? Do people have kids this age who don’t do this? Do we need to prepare ourselves for this to to continue (and keep mitigating) or will she mellow a bit once she gets through this transition? Just trying to get a sense of what I’m in for and maybe make some parenting adjustments if this might be a long haul issue. |
Anonymous
| They are always demanding. It never stops. It just changes tone. |
Anonymous
+1 LOL. This. |
Anonymous
| Our DD had issues with transitions at this age and got very upset if our routine changed even slightly. It was stressful. I will say that at age 6 she is much more relaxed about it now, so I will say that it's very possible for this to just be a phase. |
Anonymous
| It’s a combination of both, OP. I have one kid who’s been demanding since age three or so, and temperamentally is still fairly demanding at 9. My seven year old was never particularly demanding. The five year old has his things he wants a certain way, but otherwise isn’t super demanding. |
Anonymous
| OP, was your kid always like this, or is this new? Because I think it can be both a phase, and a personality. I think you can also have a kid who is demanding always about certain things, but flexible in others. |
Anonymous
| My youngest DD was like this but to the extreme. She was later diagnosed with ADD and later medicated as she couldn’t make friends or participate in school. It was as if she had a script in her head for every situation and everyone else had to follow it exactly or she’d get angry. It was hell. |
Anonymous
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I think it's personality. I have three kids and one has been much more "particular" than the other two from the get-go.
We try to manage it, similar to what you're saying, picking battles. I think it's gotten a little easier as he's gotten older (he's 7 now) because he has gotten more independent and better able to do things himself to his liking. He's also gotten better about asking politely and thinking ahead. But there are still occasionally tantrums over things that seem ridiculously minor to me. I do try to remember that he is just as particular and demanding of himself as he is of others, he tends to be a perfectionist, so it's not a power play/manipulation, but just the way he is. |
Anonymous
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OP here. Thanks for sharing your experiences. I do think I was hoping for everyone to say "Oh, that's how all 3 year olds and then it goes away!" but oh well!
I do think my DD has some perfectionist tendencies. She will definitely get very adamant about the order or way something has to happen. But it's not all the time and it's not about everything. I definitely think that hunger and tiredness play a big role and I can often address the behavior with a snack or a rest period. But my DH really struggles with it (he is also pretty stubborn and can be a perfectionist) so I'm trying to figure out if I'm going to be navigating between the two of them forever. It hard to encourage DH to be more flexible (he tries, but it's pretty baked in at this point), but I'd love to encourage DD to be a bit more go with the flow, for both her sake and mine! I guess I'll just keep at it and hope for the best! |
Anonymous
From one of the PPs above, the bolded gets really, really old. One slight side effect of the pandemic is that it's brought this dynamic to a head for us, and I've had some very serious talks with DH about his need to adjust. It's neither fair to nor healthy for the other parent to serve as go-between, and it's also not fair for a kid to have to dance around a difficult parent. If your DH is struggling with this issue with a *three* year old, please look into parenting classes or something to help you all out. Adults shouldn't be digging in with preschoolers, at least, not to the point where the other parent has to mediate all the time. With my demanding kid, hunger and fatigue are huge, so we really have to stay on top of those. She's old and insightful enough now to know these things about herself, so that part has gotten better for us. |
Anonymous
OP again. Thank you very much for this. I agree, it's a real challenge. I have been the primary parent since DD was born and DH has never spent this much time with her before. I do think partly that some of her stubbornness has just gotten worse this year (maybe a developmental stage, maybe pandemic, maybe both). I have always weathered her challenging phases pretty easily with a little bit of adjusting and some research. But this one is definitely harder. DH struggles more than I do, though -- he just doesn't have the same communication skills or patience. I agree with you that I should not have to intervene, and I also don't want my DD to feel like she has to accommodate my DH all the time. And I very much don't want to feel like I have to accommodate both of them all the time, just because I have the more patient, flexible personality. It's a tricky dynamic that honestly was much easier to manage when DH was going to an office every day and DD was in part-time daycare and home with me the rest of the time. But we have to find a way to figure it out, because we're all going to be together for at least another 5-6 months, if not longer. |
Anonymous
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My dd went through such a demanding stage from 2-3.5. She was a very easy going baby and one year old. She really eased out of it around 3.5 and was able to go with the flow again. She would still ask for things a certain way, but if the answer was no it wouldn’t derail her.
So, in our case it did seem like a phase. |
Anonymous
| Give her wins but don't give her everything. She needs to learn to do things your way (or rather the way other people might expect). Otherwise you're raising an entitled brat. |
Anonymous
| Sounds like anxiety |
Anonymous
Here are the CDC symptoms of ADHD: Inattention: Six or more symptoms of inattention for children up to age 16 years, or five or more for adolescents age 17 years and older and adults; symptoms of inattention have been present for at least 6 months, and they are inappropriate for developmental level: Often fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, at work, or with other activities. Often has trouble holding attention on tasks or play activities. Often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly. Often does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace (e.g., loses focus, side-tracked). Often has trouble organizing tasks and activities. Often avoids, dislikes, or is reluctant to do tasks that require mental effort over a long period of time (such as schoolwork or homework). Often loses things necessary for tasks and activities (e.g. school materials, pencils, books, tools, wallets, keys, paperwork, eyeglasses, mobile telephones). Is often easily distracted Is often forgetful in daily activities. Hyperactivity and Impulsivity: Six or more symptoms of hyperactivity-impulsivity for children up to age 16 years, or five or more for adolescents age 17 years and older and adults; symptoms of hyperactivity-impulsivity have been present for at least 6 months to an extent that is disruptive and inappropriate for the person’s developmental level: Often fidgets with or taps hands or feet, or squirms in seat. Often leaves seat in situations when remaining seated is expected. Often runs about or climbs in situations where it is not appropriate (adolescents or adults may be limited to feeling restless). Often unable to play or take part in leisure activities quietly. Is often “on the go” acting as if “driven by a motor”. Often talks excessively. Often blurts out an answer before a question has been completed. Often has trouble waiting their turn. Often interrupts or intrudes on others (e.g., butts into conversations or games) In addition, the following conditions must be met: Several inattentive or hyperactive-impulsive symptoms were present before age 12 years. Several symptoms are present in two or more settings, (such as at home, school or work; with friends or relatives; in other activities). There is clear evidence that the symptoms interfere with, or reduce the quality of, social, school, or work functioning. The symptoms are not better explained by another mental disorder (such as a mood disorder, anxiety disorder, dissociative disorder, or a personality disorder). The symptoms do not happen only during the course of schizophrenia or another psychotic disorder. So curious how inflexibility got your DC an ADHD diagnosis, rather than an Asperger’s. Can you tell us more? |