Advice on explaining transition to kids

[Anonymous]

My sibling is transitioning. We are fully supportive of their choice, but I’m struggling with the right way to explain it to my kids (2 and 4). They are so young that their sense of gender is really binary and physical- girls have girl parts and boys have boy parts.

Anyone have experience with this? Recommended books or resources? The 2yo may just accept “Aunt Larla is now Uncle Larlo” but the 4yo will have a million “why’s”, and I am not sure the best developmentally appropriate way to explain.

I’ve looked for some books online but books about non-binary/trans characters for kids don’t seem to cover the question of transition- it’s more like kids not conforming to gender stereotypes

[Anonymous]

What whys are you anticipating? Generally with kids, the rule is to get clarity on the source of their questions, and not to over-explain.

[Anonymous]

Your kids are so young that it’s really not necessary to explain. Especially to the 2 year old! As PP basically said, if your 4 year old asks questions, you can then answer the specific questions they have. I would suggest a more general answer along the lines of Aunt Larla/Uncle Larlo feels happier being a boy/girl is a good way to start, and it might be enough.

[Anonymous]

My spouse transitioned when my kid was 2. She just accepted it. There was a quick conversation about how he names were changing ("don't call me mommy, call me (name)") and we had to gently correct pronouns for a while, but it all clicked pretty quickly. Four might be harder, but I'd just tell the kid how it is and see if he has questions. If so, answer honestly, "Uncle so and so thought he was a girl, but had realized he's actually a boy. It's not something that happens to many people, but sometimes it does. We call him Uncle and we still love him." I think there'll be fewer questions than you think, though.

[Anonymous]

Thanks! I’m not worried about the 2yo, it’s just the 4yo. And I think for now I will just keep gender out of it entirely and stick to names— aunt larla wants us to call her uncle largo- and then focus on proper pronouns too. I just think the idea of being a boy without having boy parts will be hard for him to understand. And while I’m sure all 4yos are inquisitive, he is particularly logical and wants to know “why” for everything.

[Anonymous]

“Sometimes people are born a girl but they feel in their heart that they are really a boy. That’s how Uncle Larlo feels, and so we are going to treat him like he is a boy because we love and care about him. Everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and respect, right?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Sometimes people are born a girl but they feel in their heart that they are really a boy. That’s how Uncle Larlo feels, and so we are going to treat him like he is a boy because we love and care about him. Everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and respect, right?”

To be clear, though, that's not what Uncle Largo probably believes. He almost certainly believes that he was always a boy.

I'd say something more like.

Most babies with labias and vaginas grow up to be girls, so when Uncle Largo was born people thought he was a girl, and gave him a girl's name. Now, he's told us that he's really a boy, and so he's using a new name. He'd like you to please call him Uncle Largo.

And then do something that gives you and excuse to talk about Uncle Largo for a while, so the kid hears the new name and pronoun repeatedly. For example, say "you know what I realize we haven't sent Uncle Largo a drawing for a while should we draw him a picture. What picture should we draw for Uncle Largo. What does he like do you know? I know he likes giraffes, we could draw a giraffe . . "

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Sometimes people are born a girl but they feel in their heart that they are really a boy. That’s how Uncle Larlo feels, and so we are going to treat him like he is a boy because we love and care about him. Everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and respect, right?”

To be clear, though, that's not what Uncle Largo probably believes. He almost certainly believes that he was always a boy.

I'd say something more like.

Most babies with labias and vaginas grow up to be girls, so when Uncle Largo was born people thought he was a girl, and gave him a girl's name. Now, he's told us that he's really a boy, and so he's using a new name. He'd like you to please call him Uncle Largo.

And then do something that gives you and excuse to talk about Uncle Largo for a while, so the kid hears the new name and pronoun repeatedly. For example, say "you know what I realize we haven't sent Uncle Largo a drawing for a while should we draw him a picture. What picture should we draw for Uncle Largo. What does he like do you know? I know he likes giraffes, we could draw a giraffe . . "

Four year old boys know what labias are? What planet are you on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Sometimes people are born a girl but they feel in their heart that they are really a boy. That’s how Uncle Larlo feels, and so we are going to treat him like he is a boy because we love and care about him. Everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and respect, right?”

I love this sentiment, but I just don't know that my 4yo has any conception of what it is to be a boy other than to have a penis (can I say that on this board without it being deleted?). We have tried to avoid overly gendered toys, social norms, etc, so I can't think of other ways to describe to him the idea of what it is to feel like one gender or another. The social construct of gender is what really trips me up.

[Anonymous]

Keep it short and simple. Kids usually accept things more easily. When my son transitioned, it was actually easier to explain to kids than to adults. We generally focused on names and pronouns. Usually it’s a quick conversation and they accept what you say, then they digest the information and ask follow up questions later when they think of them. Sometimes they have a question or two on the spot. If he asks about body parts, I’d give a vague answer like everyone is different, or that genitals are one part of gender but not everything. I’m sure your brother appreciates the care you’re taking with explaining this to your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Sometimes people are born a girl but they feel in their heart that they are really a boy. That’s how Uncle Larlo feels, and so we are going to treat him like he is a boy because we love and care about him. Everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and respect, right?”

I love this sentiment, but I just don't know that my 4yo has any conception of what it is to be a boy other than to have a penis (can I say that on this board without it being deleted?). We have tried to avoid overly gendered toys, social norms, etc, so I can't think of other ways to describe to him the idea of what it is to feel like one gender or another. The social construct of gender is what really trips me up.

He still knows what a boy is and a girl is - you are overthinking this. Start with this script and answer questions. I think it will go better than you expect. Even hyper logical kids get this - it’s logical that if you feel like a boy inside, you should live as a boy! I would stay away from talk of body parts if you can - you don’t want your kid to ask Uncle Larlo intimate questions if you can avoid it.

[Anonymous]

I think as long as you’re kind and respectful about Uncle Larlo, the specifics don’t matter much at this age. Kids that are are themselves trying out new identity all the time (my 3 year old says he’s a pig and crawls around oinking), so in my experience they’re still very accepting of other people doing the same thing. The more important part (for me) is that the kids see that I’m speaking with love and acceptance and they don’t really understand much more than that. (We have a friend whose kid sometimes says he’s a boy and other times he’s a girl using a boy pronoun and my kids don’t care about the details, they just know that we love the kid).

[Anonymous]

It’s not going to be as hard as you think. It’s much harder to explain to adults that kids. It’s NOT a big deal to kids at all

I talked to my 10 year old about a sports team friend who transition between sports seasons. The only questions i got were process oriented- like how do you legally change a name. With kids as young as yours it will be so easily accepted. It’ll be like “that’s nice, pass the goldfish”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Sometimes people are born a girl but they feel in their heart that they are really a boy. That’s how Uncle Larlo feels, and so we are going to treat him like he is a boy because we love and care about him. Everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and respect, right?”

To be clear, though, that's not what Uncle Largo probably believes. He almost certainly believes that he was always a boy.

I'd say something more like.

Most babies with labias and vaginas grow up to be girls, so when Uncle Largo was born people thought he was a girl, and gave him a girl's name. Now, he's told us that he's really a boy, and so he's using a new name. He'd like you to please call him Uncle Largo.

And then do something that gives you and excuse to talk about Uncle Largo for a while, so the kid hears the new name and pronoun repeatedly. For example, say "you know what I realize we haven't sent Uncle Largo a drawing for a while should we draw him a picture. What picture should we draw for Uncle Largo. What does he like do you know? I know he likes giraffes, we could draw a giraffe . . "

Four year old boys know what labias are? What planet are you on?

My two year old knows that most boys have penises and most girls have vulvas.

[Anonymous]

The world is made up of jars and pickles. Sometimes a jar wants to be a pickle and vice versa. 😂