having trouble talking to close friend who is having trouble conceiving. feeling sad about it.

[Anonymous]

I have a 8 month old DC and one of my best friends (who lives in another city) is going through IVF hell. She told me that it's so hard for her to talk to her friends with babies, because she's grieving over her inability to get pregnant. It just makes her want to sob. I told her that I understand and that she should do whatever she needs to do to get through this difficult time. However, we've barely spoken for 8 months. We play phone tag as a substitute for keeping in touch. I left a message this weekend, and I know I sounded so awkward. I couldn't help it. I don't know how to talk to her anymore, because DC is the light of my life, and I can't speak freely to my friend without being afraid of causing her pain. Just venting because I'm sad and I miss my friend. Maybe I should send her a little gift to let her know I'm thinking of her? Any suggestions would be much appreciated. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Consider asking some of the folks on the TTC board how you can be a supportive friend. I'm sure you'd get some good suggestions.

[Anonymous]

As someone who went through 2dary infertility and recurrent miscarriages, I'd skip the gift and just send a nice note, letting her know she is on your heart, and that you hope/pray (whatever you do) that her next round of IVF works.

If she is having difficulty coping with her friends who have what she so desperately longs for (a child), I would be hesitant to send a gift. That would be sort of like saying "I have a child, but here's a lovely little parting gift for you instead."

I KNOW that wouldn't be your intentation at all, but as someone who has been where your friend is now, she might interpret it that way.

Thanks for your caring concern for your friend during this hard time for her.

[Anonymous]

I had a terrible time getting pregnant--many doctors, many medications, many things going on with my rep. organs--and through it all, while it was insanely difficult to talk to friends who were pregnant and/or had babies, I still managed to do it because I was genuinely happy for them.

Maybe I'm weird, but I didn't want anyone I knew to ever have to go through like what I was going through, and the joy of knowing someone I cared about was pregnant was pretty real. To be fair, it came with intense feelings of 'why not me?" and it was HARD. It helped to talk to friends when no one brought anything up, whether about their pregnancy or their kids. Obviously, when it was close to their due date, or if they found out the sex, etc, I would ask, but most of the time, we all played it safe.

There's definitely a mourning period, and only once you're past that, can you talk freely about all things babies without feeling like you'll break down.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to offer a perspective.

In the end, I did get pregnant, and while pregnancy was hell, as was delivery, I now have a healthy toddler.

[Anonymous]

What did you guys talk about pre-baby (pre-TTCing)? Surely, you two have a lot in common or else you wouldn't be friends.

Try talking about the neutral subjects - the tons of snow we had, the Olympics, this new recipe you tried, etc.

If your DC does come up in conversation - don't make a big deal of it. Just say "We had a ton of snow, but DC got cold so we went inside. DH ended up shoveling, blah blah blah..." and don't dwell on DC (which is tough, don't all proud mamas want to gush about their babies? )

[Anonymous]

I got a card from a very good out of town friend when we were suffering from secondary infertility and I think I may still have it. I very much liked receiving it. Thankfully, we got through it and have our complete happy family now.

[Anonymous]

I am in a somewhat similar situation as OP. A dear friend from HS was in town last May and a good portion of the conversation revolved around her and her hubbys plans/efforts to have a baby. At that time, I think they had been trying since Nov or Dec of 2008. (my son was 6 months at time of her visit). Her older sister had a terrible time conceiving, and at least one miscarriage that I know of.

I really want to call my friend to see how she is doing, generally speaking, since we haven't really communicated since then. I've been reluctant to call though due to my knowlegde that they're TTC. I figured I wouldn't bring it up, and jus be available to listen if she does. On the other hand, I don't want it to seem like I'm ignoring/forgeting our conversation last May.

Thoughts? I wouldn't even mention my DS in the conversation unless she inquired, and if do, I'd keep it short like another poster mentioned.

[Anonymous]

Generally in these situations I try to address the elephant in the room. I tell my friend I love them, that I know what they're going through is really difficult and that I'm there for them any time they want to talk. But that I'm also not going to pry and ask questions -that I'm going to call / email as normal because I love them and miss them, but won't ask lots of questions about the TTC stuff unless they bring it up. And I let them know that I understand if talking about kids is difficult, so that I won't bring up kid related stuff but am happy to talk about it with them if they want. Basically I just try to let them know I understand, at least abstractly, how difficult what they are going through is, and that I love them.

[Anonymous]

OP, your friend is lucky to have a caring and considerate friend like you. Half the battle is just being sensitive to this and knowing to be careful when discussing babies. I say this as someone who had a LONG road to a baby (IVF, IVF complications, eventful complicated scary pregnancy, etc.). It seemed like during my struggle so many people around me conceived w/o problems--but you know, at the same time, I was happy for others (even though it highlighted to me that my own situation sucked). I knew that other people's babies didn't mean that I couldn't/wouldn't have one (right, it's not like there's x number of babies to be had and if others get them, I won't). I made a big effort with friends with kids to show how happy I was for them and that I did want to hear about their kids. I was lucky and my friends were also sensitive to this and didn't overshare.

Practically speaking, I think I wouldn't volunteer tons and tons of details about your motherhood experience and baby and make it the only thing you talk about. Yet if she asks specific questions, answer them. I think it's also ok and important that you be able to feel like you can mention and discuss your child in reasonable amounts because that's the biggest thing in your life and if she's your friend, she should care about it. Even if it hurts her, she should be able to hear a little bit.

I think a nice note or call would be wonderful. Beyond that I wouldn't focus too much on her TTC unless she raises it b/c even if well-intentioned, you don't want it to be like taunting or overreminding her of her difficulties. Telling her you feel for her and are there for her is wonderful.