Are your adult kids kind and generous?

[Anonymous]

My DC is 20, so technically an adult.

I am quietly disappointed that she still seems to base her decisions on herself/her interests.

I guess I had hoped by now she would gain appreciation for her parents and start being less self-centered.

Will that time come....in your experience....as she mature? Or, is it not a realistic expectation.

[Anonymous]

Yes, but they were pretty self-focused while in college. Keep in mind the brain is not fully developed until 23 or 24.

[Anonymous]

Thank you, that gives me hope.

I have seen growth..so maybe the caked is not fully baked yet.

[Anonymous]

You're supposed to be selfish in your 20s. She's setting the foundation for the rest of her adult life. It's why teens and young 20 somethings shouldn't have kids or get married. They need to be free to make selfish decisions.

I wouldn't assume that the way she is now is how she will always be. If/when she does something selfish in a bad way, try to help her see that and empathize with how she's made you feel. She will do a lot of growing during this decade of her life (ideallly!)

[Anonymous]

Mine are in their 30’s and they are kind and generous and being married and being parents has really helped them mature. Since they were in their mid 20’s we have had a family donor advised fund that they have limited access to that has helped them be financially generous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine are in their 30’s and they are kind and generous and being married and being parents has really helped them mature. Since they were in their mid 20’s we have had a family donor advised fund that they have limited access to that has helped them be financially generous.

You don’t have to have money to be generous. It’s a character trait not something you can commodify.

[Anonymous]

In what way would you like her to be "generous?"

Does she have a lot of money? Most 20 year olds don't, unless someone else gave it to them.

Does she volunteer her time? Not only in official "volunteering" tasks, but just in general with her family and friends when needed?

[Anonymous]

In their 20s, adults are busy building their own lives and trying to get by on whatever salary they’re making. Does your daughter work for Goldman Sachs? If not, she’s probably not rolling in dough. She’s probably trying to figure out how to be a good employee, a good girlfriend, pay her bills on time and stay within her budget. What exactly do you expect from her?

When I was in my 20s, I bought my grandmother and parents nicer gifts with my own money. I lived several states away, so I couldn’t do much in person. I did come home to visit during holidays. I was super stressed out about working in my first real job after graduating college. I had a new boyfriend (now husband), which consumed all of my time outside of work. I relocated several times across state lines for graduate school and work.

If you want something from your DS, ask for it. Otherwise, know that she is entering an extremely busy time in her life and back off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine are in their 30’s and they are kind and generous and being married and being parents has really helped them mature. Since they were in their mid 20’s we have had a family donor advised fund that they have limited access to that has helped them be financially generous.

Oh Jesus. Generosity is not demonstrated by using money your parents put it a donor advised fund to give to charity. They’re not allowed to do anything else but give that money to charity! My family has one of those and I would never ever cite it as an example of my generosity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DC is 20, so technically an adult.

I am quietly disappointed that she still seems to base her decisions on herself/her interests.

I guess I had hoped by now she would gain appreciation for her parents and start being less self-centered.

Will that time come....in your experience....as she mature? Or, is it not a realistic expectation.

What does appreciation for parents mean to you, OP. Your daughter should be pulling away from you right now. She’s beginning her own life. Without some examples, your post sounds like something a narcissistic parent could say in response to losing control of their kids. Also may not be the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine are in their 30’s and they are kind and generous and being married and being parents has really helped them mature. Since they were in their mid 20’s we have had a family donor advised fund that they have limited access to that has helped them be financially generous.

Oh Jesus. Generosity is not demonstrated by using money your parents put it a donor advised fund to give to charity. They’re not allowed to do anything else but give that money to charity! My family has one of those and I would never ever cite it as an example of my generosity.

I said that they are very kind and generous and that the donor advised fund allowed them to be “financially’ generous. Why be snarky?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DC is 20, so technically an adult.

I am quietly disappointed that she still seems to base her decisions on herself/her interests.

I guess I had hoped by now she would gain appreciation for her parents and start being less self-centered.

Will that time come....in your experience....as she mature? Or, is it not a realistic expectation.

No one on the internet can answer this for you. No one here knows the dynamic between you two or either of you personally.

Is it possible that your definition of self-centered is different from hers?

There may be reasons why she seems self-centered that have nothing to do with you and are not character flaws.

[Anonymous]

Is your 20 year-old selfish with friends and boyfriends/girlfriends or with you? If he/she is selfish with everyone that would make me more nervous (but that may be harder for you to gauge).

[Anonymous]

Yea. Both are Jesuit educated and it really makes a difference. They are very aware and generous with their own money.

[Anonymous]

It’s hard to tell without more details, OP.