Can marriage come back when your partner is emotionally distant and the passion isn't there

[Anonymous]

No affairs, abuse, addiction. But marriage has been dysfunctional for many years. Both of us have had mental health issues which we are being treated for. We have 2 elementary school age kids so there is a desire to stay together and we have been in marital counseling for several months. We seem to take steps forward and then go backwards-- I see my husband as emotionally distant and he views me as not giving him enough physical affection. I have resentment around him not doing his full share of house/kid duties, not seeming to care about me as a person, and investing all of his passion/energy in his hobby and dialing it in at home. My husband is resentful that I had bad mental health issues early in our marriage which he feels changed me as a person and impacted what should have been the early blissful years of first being married. We have sex around 3x a month. Both of us are introverts and need a lot of alone time to recharge. Sorry for the rambling post-- can my husband who seemingly has a lack of love/passion for the marriage be able to find it again-- I probably have similar feelings as well if I'm being honest with myself.

[Anonymous]

Love languages book
Empowered wife book
Read these books

[Anonymous]

Thanks pp, I will start with the empowered wife!

[Anonymous]

The most important thing is communication, and you have that. if you can talk, you can figure things out. You seem smart and self-aware. Make a commitment to give him more physical affection in xchange for helping out. You can make this work.

[Anonymous]

Thanks pp...I'm up late worrying and this is helpful

[Anonymous]

As long as there are more steps forward than there are backwards, you are trending in the right direction. It is really tough to break years of dysfunction. If you are both committed to the process, you can both make it to the finish line. The race and pace will look different for both of you. But this is the "work" of marriage. Passion and emotional depth come when you surmount huge trials together. That is a quality that most marriages (or even relationships) have the grit and loyalty and vulnerability to make it to. As long s you are both working, and both hoping. Give time for that work to take root and produce something new. Both good book recommendations upthread too.

[Anonymous]

If he were posting here, I would tell him to step it up, be an equal adult partner in the home. But he's not, you are. So I will tell you that he's unhappy with sex 3 per month which is not surprising because that's less than half of my own minimum. Consider that you need to start prioritizing time to save your marriage ... in the bedroom.

[Anonymous]

Op here...I can definitely make more of an effort in the bedroom. And thanks for the reminder that this will take time and patience

[Anonymous]

It has with us, but part of the issue was having a teenager at home in not the easiest situation. Like anything else, how badly do the two of you want the marriage to succeed?

[Anonymous]

Resentment doesn’t dissipate easily. Even if you think it’s gone, it always lurks in the back your mind, ready to eat you up. It’s a very vicious emotion and if it’s prevalent now, it may be best to cut your losses and get out.