Keeping the House Tidy

[Anonymous]

How do you deal with a messy house? One of us likes things tidy. The other doesn't care. This is daily tidiness in between visits from our cleaning service, for example putting things away, hanging things up? We can only afford weekly housekeeping services. Does the tidy person tidy? Does the other person help? Does the tidy person live with the untidiness?

[Anonymous]

House cleaning service is to clean, not tidy up. In between services everybody chips in, hang things up, put things away. Tidy person learns to either delegate the work, or be patient with the speed in which things are done (I promise you it's a struggle), if something bothers tidy person so much, clean it up asap.

[Anonymous]

Weekly housekeeping is more than most people get!

I'm the tidier person and yes, I generally pick up after everyone because I acknowledge that their version of tidy doesn't match my higher expectations. I do make my kids clean up the truly unacceptable - leaving dishes at the table at dinner, not properly maintaining the bathroom. But for example, they will go a fair job of cleaning up after dinner but I admit going behind them with the granite cleaner or swiffer because it wasn't quite how I wanted it done. I'm a neat freak and acknowledge that this is more about my issues than the actual "untidyness" of other household members. Whether you are truly living with slobs or more in my boat, only you can answer.

[Anonymous]

The tidy person tidies and grows ever more resentful with each passing day. Then s/he nags the other person to clean up after themselves. The other person doesn't see the need or, indeed, even the mess, but tiring of the constant nagging and arguing and cold silences, agrees to 'do better.' And s/he does put forth an effort, which doesn't yield great results, but at least it's an effort and the tidy person is partly mollified, at least for a while.

The tidy person continues to think the other person will get better, and in the blush of love, marries the other person. The other person is feeling those pheromones too, and makes a bigger effort. The effort lasts for shorter and shorter periods of time, because the other person inevitably falls off the wagon they don't even want to be on in the first place.

A baby is born.

The tidy person is now overwhelmed with doing. all. chores, which have multiplied with the baby and now the other person isn't nearly as diligent as they once were. The tidy person comes to DCUM to vent, and is told it is their fault; they knew who the other person was when they got married.

The End

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The tidy person tidies and grows ever more resentful with each passing day. Then s/he nags the other person to clean up after themselves. The other person doesn't see the need or, indeed, even the mess, but tiring of the constant nagging and arguing and cold silences, agrees to 'do better.' And s/he does put forth an effort, which doesn't yield great results, but at least it's an effort and the tidy person is partly mollified, at least for a while.

The tidy person continues to think the other person will get better, and in the blush of love, marries the other person. The other person is feeling those pheromones too, and makes a bigger effort. The effort lasts for shorter and shorter periods of time, because the other person inevitably falls off the wagon they don't even want to be on in the first place.

A baby is born.

The tidy person is now overwhelmed with doing. all. chores, which have multiplied with the baby and now the other person isn't nearly as diligent as they once were. The tidy person comes to DCUM to vent, and is told it is their fault; they knew who the other person was when they got married.

The End

The Oracle has spoken, and we are all the wiser for it.

[Anonymous]

I don't know. It's a problem in my house.

If the tidy person doesn't mind, that person should just tidy up. But that's hard to do without resentment. I have tried and I can't do it. All I think when I pick up his coat, bag and shoes where he has dumped them where he stands just inside the door is what kind of inconsiderate savage thinks it's ok to just dump things on the floor in the middle of the hallway? I'm not the maid.

Then the kids take after him, and I become the one who nags all the time about putting things away.

My best advice, which isn't great, is focus on a couple areas where it's most important to you to keep tidy and maintain those. I gather stuff that has been left out and put it in the room of the owner (in DH"s case, I put in his office). Then it's their job to put away or not. Then not my problem.

[Anonymous]

We use staircase baskets. Dump the stuff that is left on the floor into the baskets - everyone is responsible for gathering their own things out of the basket to bring upstairs and put away.

[Anonymous]

I would never hang up or put away my DH’s clothes. I would throw them on the floor of the closet. I also do not walk things to the laundry room or the hamper. General stuff from the first floor, I throw on his desk chair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We use staircase baskets. Dump the stuff that is left on the floor into the baskets - everyone is responsible for gathering their own things out of the basket to bring upstairs and put away.

I guess your folks don't just walk right by the baskets like mine do.

[Anonymous]

DH, I ask nicely to help me tidy (or to remember to put his coat in the closet, or whatever) and he happily does. He remembers probably 80% of the time to keep things tidy like I like them. I put things away for him without complaint when he forgets. I remark loudly how lovely it is to have the front hall / living room / whatever looking to nice and neat when I happen to notice and it makes me happy. A few months ago when things got really messy (three kids at home and I’m pregnant) he tidied the whole downstairs after I went to bed. I tell him all the time how happy that made me...

My kids, I admit to yelling sometimes. But one must imagine Sisyphus happy...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We use staircase baskets. Dump the stuff that is left on the floor into the baskets - everyone is responsible for gathering their own things out of the basket to bring upstairs and put away.

I guess your folks don't just walk right by the baskets like mine do.

Mine has stuff in his basket from 2016.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The tidy person tidies and grows ever more resentful with each passing day. Then s/he nags the other person to clean up after themselves. The other person doesn't see the need or, indeed, even the mess, but tiring of the constant nagging and arguing and cold silences, agrees to 'do better.' And s/he does put forth an effort, which doesn't yield great results, but at least it's an effort and the tidy person is partly mollified, at least for a while.

The tidy person continues to think the other person will get better, and in the blush of love, marries the other person. The other person is feeling those pheromones too, and makes a bigger effort. The effort lasts for shorter and shorter periods of time, because the other person inevitably falls off the wagon they don't even want to be on in the first place.

A baby is born.

The tidy person is now overwhelmed with doing. all. chores, which have multiplied with the baby and now the other person isn't nearly as diligent as they once were. The tidy person comes to DCUM to vent, and is told it is their fault; they knew who the other person was when they got married.

The End

If this isn't the truth I don't know what is. Signed, the tidy person in the marriage...

The Oracle has spoken, and we are all the wiser for it.

[Anonymous]

I’m the slob in our relationship and I don’t really notice mess. It really bothers my wife though, so I try to respect that. So my wife and I made a list of tidy-up chores that I am solely responsible for, and so I do them on a schedule regardless of whether I think there’s actually a mess.

We also have Family Cleanup Night and Family Laundry Night once or twice a week where we put on music and all work together. Our boys are 6 and 3 and we’ve been doing this for a few years. The message is that we are all part of the family so we all need to help clean up, regardless of individual perceptions of mess. My wife has also relaxed her standards and seems to appreciate the effort by all of us even if the boys or I don’t always do things the way she would.

[Anonymous]

DH is messy and I'm over the top clean. We differentiated our chores. He cooks, fixes stuff (this is a big one), grocery shops, lawn care and does 50% kid chores like reading/bathing/playing. I do all the cleaning and laundry. Every closet is immaculate and I think it helps him maintain a little. His closet still is a dumping zone though and I do the "big dig" on his closet once a year. I also have a box in our formal dining room that I dump all his stuff that I find throughout the house (mostly tools).

I think differentiating chores is key and both of us are happy and not upset at the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We use staircase baskets. Dump the stuff that is left on the floor into the baskets - everyone is responsible for gathering their own things out of the basket to bring upstairs and put away.

I guess your folks don't just walk right by the baskets like mine do.

Mine has stuff in his basket from 2016.

This makes me laugh. I'm a wife and that would be my basket. We have a weekly cleaning lady who is back for the first time in 6 months today. My lovely husband was doing the cleaning.

I can't stand clutter on top of counters/tables of dishes in sink/dirty kitchen (I take care of this), but I am somehow oblivious to a lot of the obvious stuff. We shared a bathroom for 24 years and during Covid--he finally switched to his own bathroom. That was a game changer.