how to have a close family and stop this generational problem

[Anonymous]

My mom has a LOT of dysfunction in her family, and she doesn’t speak to any of her 3 siblings. As such, I don’t have aunts or uncles or cousins on that side. She unfortunately passed down those behaviors and genes and my siblings and I arent close/barely talk. I’m the middle child. My older sister and younger brother hate each other. I am civil with my brother and sister but we only actually see each other a few times a year despite living nearby.

It’s unbelievable to me to think that we’ll never again all be together in the same room. No holidays, no family time. I don’t know how my PARENTS can handle that.
As a parent now, I would die if my children didn’t speak to each other. I’d feel like such a failure. I’d be a mess to think I’d never again see my children in the same place.

HOW do I stop this generational dysfunction? I know I cannot ensure or guarantee closeness as my 3 young children age but I will TRY my VERY BEST.

[Anonymous]

See a therapist, make sure you are in a good place emotionally as you raise your kids. I worry about this too but I think the "I would die" language is concerning. Use firm but positive parenting strategies. Focus on having good communication as a family. If anyone in the family is struggling get help.

Some siblings will have conflict no matter what you do, but most families like this (including mine) have trauma that makes it hard for us to be around each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:See a therapist, make sure you are in a good place emotionally as you raise your kids. I worry about this too but I think the "I would die" language is concerning. Use firm but positive parenting strategies. Focus on having good communication as a family. If anyone in the family is struggling get help.

Some siblings will have conflict no matter what you do, but most families like this (including mine) have trauma that makes it hard for us to be around each other.

OP here and that’s what gets me...we DONT have any trauma, thank God. Our parents are still married. We grew up white, middle class. No abuse, drugs. My siblings just hate each other. We don’t spend holidays together. It’s...bizarre.

As for the “I would die”...perhaps that’s extreme, but family is SO important to me. Even growing up I knew my family wasn’t close like other families. I didn’t have grandparents or cousins and I desperately wanted them. So yes, I’ll be upset if my children don’t speak to each other. I’ll be upset if we don’t gather around the table...ever.

I just can’t believe sometimes that I’ll probably never see my siblings again at the same time, until my parents funeral. That’s grim.

[Anonymous]

Maybe there's something going on or that happened in the past that you don't know about.

[Anonymous]

Op - I get it. My 2 brothers don’t get along and don’t talk. They are different and have nothing to say to each other. Our mom died when I was a senior in high school and they were also in high school which was obviously traumatic. Dad didn’t do a great job bringing us all together but he wasn’t abusive. He remarried but all 3 of us remained super close to our maternal grandma. After she died, brothers came home less and less (they lived out of state). I talk to both but we don’t do holidays together and our kids don’t know each other. It makes me very sad. Our dad died last year and it was the first time the 3 of us had been together in years. I consider one of my greatest accomplishments the fact that my kids are best friends with each other. I tell them to stay close forever and not follow the example of me and my siblings (or dh who isn’t that close with his although we see his sibling bc he lives nearby). My kids are in college (different schools) and talk every day so I hope that will continue for the rest of their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:See a therapist, make sure you are in a good place emotionally as you raise your kids. I worry about this too but I think the "I would die" language is concerning. Use firm but positive parenting strategies. Focus on having good communication as a family. If anyone in the family is struggling get help.

Some siblings will have conflict no matter what you do, but most families like this (including mine) have trauma that makes it hard for us to be around each other.

OP here and that’s what gets me...we DONT have any trauma, thank God. Our parents are still married. We grew up white, middle class. No abuse, drugs. My siblings just hate each other. We don’t spend holidays together. It’s...bizarre.

As for the “I would die”...perhaps that’s extreme, but family is SO important to me. Even growing up I knew my family wasn’t close like other families. I didn’t have grandparents or cousins and I desperately wanted them. So yes, I’ll be upset if my children don’t speak to each other. I’ll be upset if we don’t gather around the table...ever.

I just can’t believe sometimes that I’ll probably never see my siblings again at the same time, until my parents funeral. That’s grim.

Sorry OP but there is trauma. I have zero contact with my sister because she was abusive. There are plenty of relatives in my family who truly, honestly think nothing happened, or that something got overblown, or there was a misunderstanding. Major estrangements do not happen for those reasons. You definitely need to see a therapist and read more about these dynamics. Frankly the fact that your primary concern is that YOU will not have some postcard holiday event with the siblings and/or extended family is not a promising sign.

[Anonymous]

Have you invited them for holiday meal or a summer picnic or are you waiting for someone else to take the reigns and organize something?

My family isn't close at all either, but if someone says "hey lets have a picnic this summer at X park, what dates work for everyone?" I guarantee that people will show up with food in hand. We'll all have a nice enough time and then go back to not being close again the next day.

Organize something and then report back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you invited them for holiday meal or a summer picnic or are you waiting for someone else to take the reigns and organize something?

My family isn't close at all either, but if someone says "hey lets have a picnic this summer at X park, what dates work for everyone?" I guarantee that people will show up with food in hand. We'll all have a nice enough time and then go back to not being close again the next day.

Organize something and then report back.

She’s not talking about laziness though, she’s talking about estrangement. Completely different.

[Anonymous]

OP you need a therapist to understand YOUR role in all of this. Yes your role. I have a relative who doesn’t understand why I refuse to be around my sister. I’ve tried telling her, actually, several times - it’s because my sister abused me - but she always shuts me down and says she “doesnt want to hear it” and “doesnt want to get involved.” Rather than make my relative innocent in and removed from all this, it actually makes her complicit in my abuse.

[Anonymous]

My brother and I were talking once about how our dad isn't close with his sisters and not at ALL close with his cousins, and neither is our mom.

We talked about what kind of aunt/uncle we wanted to be to each others kids, and that led to us talking about our cousins. We each reached out to all our first cousins and basically sent them an email saying something like "We haven't grown up close. Things were done or said, and somehow, we wound up here. A place where we *think* we would recognize each other on the street, but we're not sure. I would like for this to change. I would like to meet your kids and dogs. I would like to celebrate birthdays and holidays, and come to your kids school concerts and school plays. If you are interested, please let me know. If you're not, no hard feelings. If you're not sure, and you decide a month, a year, or a decade from now, we'll just be glad you've arrived and welcome you in."

And then I gave all my contact info, and links to my LinkedIn, and Facebook. I'm now close with six out of 12 cousins. While that doesn't sound like a success rate, it's five more cousins than I was in touch with before I sent that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - I get it. My 2 brothers don’t get along and don’t talk. They are different and have nothing to say to each other. Our mom died when I was a senior in high school and they were also in high school which was obviously traumatic. Dad didn’t do a great job bringing us all together but he wasn’t abusive. He remarried but all 3 of us remained super close to our maternal grandma. After she died, brothers came home less and less (they lived out of state). I talk to both but we don’t do holidays together and our kids don’t know each other. It makes me very sad. Our dad died last year and it was the first time the 3 of us had been together in years. I consider one of my greatest accomplishments the fact that my kids are best friends with each other. I tell them to stay close forever and not follow the example of me and my siblings (or dh who isn’t that close with his although we see his sibling bc he lives nearby). My kids are in college (different schools) and talk every day so I hope that will continue for the rest of their lives.

I’m sorry for your losses.

Can you be more specific? There has to be more than just telling them!

[Anonymous]

OP close families are a novelty, not the norm. Many siblings do not get along and the reason is not always trauma or abuse, often its temperamental. If you met your siblings as a stranger, as an adult its highly likely they'd have traits that either annoyed you or were just uninteresting to you.

It happens. Being uptight around your kids and insisting they get along is not going to help them in the longer term.

Accepting what things are like and being positive within your own family unit is the best you can do. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you invited them for holiday meal or a summer picnic or are you waiting for someone else to take the reigns and organize something?

My family isn't close at all either, but if someone says "hey lets have a picnic this summer at X park, what dates work for everyone?" I guarantee that people will show up with food in hand. We'll all have a nice enough time and then go back to not being close again the next day.

Organize something and then report back.

Ha. My sister lives 40 mins from me and her girls are the same age as my boys. I tried for years to get together. At some point it becomes too disheartening to continually be turned down. So now we just see each other for the kids birthdays, if that. Maybe Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP close families are a novelty, not the norm. Many siblings do not get along and the reason is not always trauma or abuse, often its temperamental. If you met your siblings as a stranger, as an adult its highly likely they'd have traits that either annoyed you or were just uninteresting to you.

It happens. Being uptight around your kids and insisting they get along is not going to help them in the longer term.

Accepting what things are like and being positive within your own family unit is the best you can do. Good luck.

OP here and I find it hard to believe that there is nothing I can do, as the opposite is true and plays out: there are things you can do to cause wedges.

My sister and I do not have any grievances towards each other. We just don’t like each other. We are very different and whereas I could set that aside and allow our kids to grow up together, she cannot for some reason.

[Anonymous]

I could be writing this. We eat dinner together every night, do activities as a family, and encourage our kids to help their siblings without being asked. I hope it works.