What if friendship, not marriage, wasn’t the enter of life?

[Anonymous]

As a heterosexual married female, I thought this article was very interesting. What do you think? Way of the future?

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/10/people-who-prioritize-friendship-over-romance/616779/

[Anonymous]

Woman here. I’ve never had a female friend who I loved and adored so much that I’d want to make her the center of my life. Have you? My husband is the only person I’ve ever felt that way about.

I’m not sure why we should assume these friendships are less rocky than marriages though. Marriage is nice in the sense that it has a built in release valve: sex. When my husband and I approach ~ a week without sex, I can always tell because we both start to get crabby and bicker. Then sex brings back the lovey dovey feelings, at least for a few days. I assume I’d be the same with any adult I lived with in an intimate way and raised children with (especially during stressful periods like quarantine!). I’m not sure how you could live together and not want to kill the other person without sex and romance.

[Anonymous]

This is so judgment-laden.

My husband is my best friend. I also have female friends whom I love.

When was this person made the king of determining what relationships should take precedence over others?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is so judgment-laden.

My husband is my best friend. I also have female friends whom I love.

When was this person made the king of determining what relationships should take precedence over others?

Nearly half of all marriages end. Probably not as many friendships like these.

[Anonymous]

It’s an interesting question because it poses a very different way of life from the one we were raised to respect.

The idea of two best friends eschewing men and choosing to raise children together is interesting, esp. given the fact that technology has made this physically possible and society is changing to be so tolerant of different family structures.

[Anonymous]

^ expect, not respect.

[Anonymous]

ok carrie bradshaw

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. I’ve never had a female friend who I loved and adored so much that I’d want to make her the center of my life. Have you? My husband is the only person I’ve ever felt that way about.

I’m not sure why we should assume these friendships are less rocky than marriages though. Marriage is nice in the sense that it has a built in release valve: sex. When my husband and I approach ~ a week without sex, I can always tell because we both start to get crabby and bicker. Then sex brings back the lovey dovey feelings, at least for a few days. I assume I’d be the same with any adult I lived with in an intimate way and raised children with (especially during stressful periods like quarantine!). I’m not sure how you could live together and not want to kill the other person without sex and romance.

Same.

The reason lesbian marriages have such high abuse rate is they stop having sex after a while

[Anonymous]

From the article:

"In the past few decades, Americans have broadened their image of what constitutes a legitimate romantic relationship: Courthouses now issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, Americans are getting married later in life than ever before, and more and more young adults are opting to share a home rather than a marriage license with a partner. Despite these transformations, what hasn’t shifted much is the expectation that a monogamous romantic relationship is the planet around which all other relationships should orbit."


As a divorced woman with a very rich and meaningful circle of both friends, family, and a lifetime partner, I think the key here is in valuing the commitments that are often right there in our lives outside of the construct of a legal marriage. I have run the gamut of change all of my life, but "there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother" is true.

I don't think there is anything wrong with the article examples of friends supporting each other in ways that some spouses do; roomates, sharing credit, building a business, having a power of attorney or guardianship rights in the case of death. I have always had someone as #1, #2, #3. They are all family, some by blood, others by love.

A spouse is ultimately a choice to build your family with, with or without procreating or adoption. So is a friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ok carrie bradshaw

[Anonymous]

Oh FFS.

[Anonymous]

There’d probably be a lot less angry, put upon wives! Lol

[Anonymous]

I think these kinds of friendships are lovely when they occur. Good for them.

But like other PPs, I've never had a friendship with that level of commitment and longevity. I have friends I've known for decades, but we fade in and out of each other's lives. It's very hard to imagine getting enough (support, attention, love, tolerance) from a friendship.

It's also hard to get all of this from a romantic partner, and certainly hard to get it 100% of the time. But in my marriage, we've made a formal commitment to each other, and that really does help work through the hard times. With friends, you get in an argument, and sometimes you might night talk for months. Is that great? No, but it's what happens. If that was the central relationship in my life, I don't know what I'd do. I don't think I could deal with the uncertainty. Will she come back? Will we work this out? It just sounds like a lot to take on faith.