Worth waiting three more years for divorce?

[Anonymous]

We have been married 17 years (in VA). Husband works full time, I worked as instructional aide sub on a very part time basis pre Covid. We have two tweens, one with mental health issues that require a lot of time and energy.

I think my husband has aspergers or some other personality disorder. He requires us to be quiet in the house and there are few conversations and he disapproves of friends or family gatherings (pre Covid). I take care of everything house and kid related and try to give them a semblance of a normal child hood. I go to school meetings and therapies. He will play video games with the kids once in a while. Our marriage is miserable and there is no saving it long term.

As much as I wish that I could be financially independent and divorce, that is not my reality. My special needs child needs so much that currently it is impossible for me to work full time. My earning potential is so low that I could not afford help.

Someone told me that if you have been married for 20 years, there is a chance to receive spousal support until the lower earning party can get on their feet.
I hope that as my son gets older, he will be more able to be left alone and mature so I can then return to a full time position eventually, though my earning potential will remain low. I also don’t think this child will be on his own at 18.

I am concerned for my financial survival and that of my children. If I can receive spousal support, I can make it a few more years in this marriage.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you should pay for an hour session with a few divorce attorneys to fully understand your options and best course of action given your specific circumstances.

I'd be wary of taking advice from DCUM on this.

[Anonymous]

DEFINITELY consult a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

You should also head over to the Kids with Special Needs forum. There are a few steps to take before your child turns 18 that can be critical if you don't think he or she will be able to be independent.

[Anonymous]

You need to talk to a lawyer or even law school clinic to get solid advice. I don’t think most states require 20 years...my state is like 8 or something. Is there anything you can do to improve your earning potential in the meantime? College classes, dental hygienist school or something like that? Will you child ever be independent? If not I’d start looking into group homes and whatnot. It’s not sustainable for you to stay in a miserable marriage in order to care for an adult child.

[Anonymous]

I agree about talking to an attorney. I thought it was ten years.

I always tell people to do it sooner rather than later. Nothing worse than being close to 50 and getting divorced as a woman. It's hard.

I divorced in my mid-forties and now I'm recently remarried and in my fifties. I would not want to be starting over now when I'm really getting kind of old!

[Anonymous]

Agree to talk to an attorney and doubly agree that it might not be worth it to wait. 3 years of your life and happiness is a lot.

[Anonymous]

I've been married 12 years, no kids, I make 95k, DH makes 180k, and he's agreed to pay me $1400/mo for 10 years. For context. He was cheating, so guilt is in play here.

If your husband would be amenable to paying you alimony, you could work it out with a mediator and the courts wouldn't matter. But if you do go the courts route, my understanding is 10 years is the threshold, not 20.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all for your kind answers.

[Anonymous]

You could get half the number of years of the marriage in spousal support.

My situation is similar. Can't really work because of needy child. I'd try to get a career you can do from home so you can work and still be there for your child.

[Anonymous]

I would talk to a lawyer but also investigate career options from home as the previous poster noted. I bet you could make more in an administrative position

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DEFINITELY consult a lawyer.

+10000000000000000

You are likely entitled to spousal support, even if for a temporary period of time. 17 years is pretty damn long. Talk to an attorney that is familiar with the court where your divorce would be filed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been married 12 years, no kids, I make 95k, DH makes 180k, and he's agreed to pay me $1400/mo for 10 years. For context. He was cheating, so guilt is in play here.

If your husband would be amenable to paying you alimony, you could work it out with a mediator and the courts wouldn't matter. But if you do go the courts route, my understanding is 10 years is the threshold, not 20.

That’s about right in VA

[Anonymous]

Asperger’s is not a personality disorder.

[Anonymous]

You should consult a lawyer. "Somebody told me some random legal shit ...." is not a valid piece of information.