Disturbed by mother’s strange behavior
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Anonymous
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I’m really disturbed by my mother and how she acts. It’s getting to the point that I’m left wondering if it’s healthy to even have her in my life. I have a kids and husband and don’t really want to expose them to this toxic behavior. She has a very greedy side. My brother passed away very suddenly and tragically this month and I understand she is in shock, but she hasn’t cried at all and is obsessive about finding out if he has a life insurance policy and keeps talking about the money he owes her. She is always so focused on money, it disgusts me. She’s sized everyone up by how much money they have and I found out she was asking my siblings how much my husband made. We are deliberately quiet about our finances.
She has always mocked people with differences, especially physical or intellectual. I had anxiety in my pregnancies that my children would have any sort of health or developmental issue because she can be so negative and cruel about things like this. My 2 year old was in speech therapy and I found out she was telling family in a gossipy way that he had an intellectual disability (using the incorrect non PC term) to describe him. It’s not even accurate but it disturbs me that she seems to find pleasure or excitement or humor in other’s challenges. He’s actually caught up now. Would you address any of this with her? |
Anonymous
| No, don't address with her. Just keep your distance. She IS toxic. |
Anonymous
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OP, given what you've said about your mother, I think you're making a very good decision for your family: keep her out of your life. Your next decision is going very low contact or no contact at all. Either way, what would you expect to get out of discussing this with her, keeping in mind that she's not going to change? If there's something you feel strongly that you need to discuss with her to give yourself some closure, then try it. Just don't expect anything other than denial and an unpleasant reaction. Otherwise, send her a text or email or just ghost her, whichever you're comfortable with. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
| She’s not going to change. If you don’t want to cut her off completely, keep strong boundaries in place and don’t engage with her about money, etc. - end the conversation. |
Anonymous
| She's very toxic. . If you feel mentally and emotional capable, you can still keep a surface relationship and just avoid all the drama. Tell her NOTHING about your personal lives. Keep it cordial, generic, vague, and boring and always protect your boundaries. |
Anonymous
| EEk, it would have been over when she called the 2 yr old an R. |
Anonymous
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Listen, you just lost an immediate family member this month. Neither you nor she is thinking clearly. Put a pin in this line of thought until this time next year.
I'm so sorry for your loss. |
Anonymous
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My condolences for your brother.
My mother and her sisters are curious about how much everyone makes, and used to be quite disparaging about people with special needs. It was ignorance and poor upbringing - they were neglected by their parents and left to fend for themselves. When my first child was born premature with a global developmental delay, and later diagnosed with learning disorders and inattentive ADHD, we told them everything. My mother was mortified at first that we told her sisters. But it led to a revolution in their minds, that health is not a taboo subject, and that a handicapped child is not an object of shame. It helped that my son has always been cute and calm. They became a lot more understanding and tolerant towards other-ableness. It's strange to say that my older relatives have "grown" in that regard, but that's exactly what they did! I hope your mother can change too. |
Anonymous
Yeah but she was toxic before this loss. I’m sorry for your loss too. Maybe cut her some slack as as you both grieve but I’d definitely want to maintain my distance from her as much as possible and maybe cut off contact entirely. |
Anonymous
Maybe, or maybe OP is in an especially critical mood. I'd chill out for a year and re-evaluate the need to cut contact then. |
Anonymous
THIS. I am sorry for your loss, OP. I have a relative who is like this. What is it about speech therapy that is so triggering for these people? It’s important to keep them away from your children because they are the types that think that it’s ok to bully and gaslight children. |
Anonymous
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My only criticism is you criticizing her for not crying, not crying does not equal not grieving.
That aside four mother seems very toxic, and it's reasonable for you to want to create very firm boundaries and keep your distance from her. |