My mother has become a curmudgeon

[Anonymous]

My husband describes her as a Karen. I agree, she’s the female version of Ove. She complains about e v e r y t h i n g! Everything bothers her or she views as some personal injustice. I can’t handle it anymore. I’ve heeded advice and limit my calls, both in number and duration, but I still find those 10 minutes to be almost unbearable.

How can I psych myself up to deal with these calls better and not get my blood pressure going?

[Anonymous]

Ove was a wonderful person. Curmudgeon, yes, but also caring, loving, moral, giving and could fix anything. I would love an Ove in my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ove was a wonderful person. Curmudgeon, yes, but also caring, loving, moral, giving and could fix anything. I would love an Ove in my life.

I’m sure the people who Ove dealt with when he was only being a curmudgeon would disagree with you. What a tone deaf response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband describes her as a Karen. I agree, she’s the female version of Ove. She complains about e v e r y t h i n g! Everything bothers her or she views as some personal injustice. I can’t handle it anymore. I’ve heeded advice and limit my calls, both in number and duration, but I still find those 10 minutes to be almost unbearable.

How can I psych myself up to deal with these calls better and not get my blood pressure going?

The thing that works for me is detachment. Thinking of her as Ove is a great idea. Lean into it and try to view her not as your mother but as an eccentric character you check in on out of kindness. See if you can find humor in her complaints and pettiness. Then recount them to your husband later and laugh at how silly she is. Imagine telling the story about her not as a beleaguered daughter but as a humorous writer or a comedian.

[Anonymous]

“Wow you seem to have all sorts of negative things around you. I have to say it’s a bit draining to listen to. Can you think of something pleasant we can talk about instead?”

[Anonymous]

I literally just told my mom she and my dad were becoming curmudgeons yesterday! She mentioned letting friends who winter in a Florida store their car at their house which they don’t mind but they disconnect the battery so they can’t move the car. Forget the driveway is basically the side yard of 14 acres so it’s literally never in the way. Stuff like that. It seems like they are just looking for things to complain about. I just call her out on it. She wants my opinion, I flat out tell her we have different opinions on friends and generosity (or XYZ) and do it seems like she already knows what to do. Like you I also limit calls and may tell her we’ll need to limit them more if she continues to complain about stupid stuff as if they are great injustices.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's all part of the "circle of life."

When you were a teen I am sure you probably went on and on about stuff that was in no way worth complaining about. I'm sure your mother was as exasperated with you then as you are with her now.

This is part of being an adult child and learning to deal with changes in your parents' lives. Eventually they will reach a different stage in life where the complaining will cease and they will (hopefully) start being more positive about all the small graces thrown their way.

This stage usually comes when they see how badly their peers are doing, or dying, and they begin to count their blessings.

[Anonymous]

It's unfortunate but with so many a part of life. There is less excitement and things to look forward to, and the idea of looming age takes a toll on the psyche.

Think about when you don't have anything good to override the frustrations of life? How do you respond? Generally with more irritation than if you had a bunch of things to look forward to or to be excited about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's unfortunate but with so many a part of life. There is less excitement and things to look forward to, and the idea of looming age takes a toll on the psyche.

Think about when you don't have anything good to override the frustrations of life? How do you respond? Generally with more irritation than if you had a bunch of things to look forward to or to be excited about.

And you physically ache, too. Everything is harder. It’s no fun.

[jsmith123]

It sounds like she's really struggling. Have you tried to have a conversation with her about it?

[Anonymous]

OP, 10 minutes you can handle

Another thought too ... you might want to say, "Mom, you're such an interesting person, tell me about xx instead"

I think excessive complaining comes from older people feeling less-interesting than they use to be, believing others are viewing them as less interesting, less relevant.

They are still competitive beings, proud and want to feel empowered. Of course they shouldn't be filling that need by sparing with others over trivia.

[Anonymous]

Try to meet her with compassion. She's doing this because she's scared and doesn't have an outlet for that fear that is productive.

Is she capable of acknowledging that she's this way? What would happen if you said to her, "Mom it sounds like EVERYTHING bothers you lately. The world sure does feel like its going to hell in a hand basket these days doesn't it? But remember what Mr. Rogers used to say? That in times of crisis we look for the helpers? Can you look for people doing positive things in the world, and in your immediate world?"

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a typical 70 yr old woman.

No filters, no boundaries, feels fee to complain, misery lives company, a lot of time on their hands, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a typical 70 yr old woman.

No filters, no boundaries, feels fee to complain, misery lives company, a lot of time on their hands, etc.

My mom is 72 and this is her to a T.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a typical 70 yr old woman.

No filters, no boundaries, feels fee to complain, misery lives company, a lot of time on their hands, etc.

My mom is 72 and this is her to a T.

And one day it will be you.