Is it easier to blend families if there is a big age difference between kids or similar ages?

[Anonymous]

I was of the opinion that life would be so much easier if our kids were of the same age but the more I think about it, the more appreciate that his kids are in high school/college and mine are in lower elementary. Sure, the kids dont have a bond at all but I am starting to wonder if the close in age kids would feel too much competition. My ex dh remarried a woman who has kids that are also in lower ES and the complaints from my kids about those kids are incessant even though they'll probably grow up to actually remember life with one another. Whereas I may wish my kids felt more connection to their much older step siblings, I can't help but think I have been saved a headache.

Does anyone have any thoughts or experience on this?

[Anonymous]

Kids are not "mix and match" sets.
Do everything in your power to raise them in an intact family.
If that is impossible, the responsible thing is to put your sex life on hold until they are 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids are not "mix and match" sets.
Do everything in your power to raise them in an intact family.
If that is impossible, the responsible thing is to put your sex life on hold until they are 18.

OK. That's not the actual issue being asked. The question is what is easier to do to achieve that "intact family" given divorce and remarriage. Or are you saying the divorced parent needs to be alone until they are 18? And like the OP states, the family unit does not cease to exist when child turns 18. There is still a continuance of the family.

[Anonymous]

I think what matters most is not the ages, but rather that you not pressure the kids, and have a realistic understanding that they are unlikely to blend very much. And that the kids not have to make major sacrifices for the sake of your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think what matters most is not the ages, but rather that you not pressure the kids, and have a realistic understanding that they are unlikely to blend very much. And that the kids not have to make major sacrifices for the sake of your marriage.

This, absolutely. If you think it’d be easier if only kids were different ages, you are already in a mindset where you are looking at this the wrong way. PP is correct, you need to expect less “blending,” and you are gonna need to bend of backward to make sure THEIR schedules are as easy as possible with multiple houses, not yours.

- Adult child of divorce who did not have these things

[Anonymous]

I think what matters most are the particular kids personalities. My kids (a boy and a girl) have a set of step-siblings (2 girls) on their father’s side. My son had no complaints about either of them, my daughter had a good relationship with one but called the other a total B. My kids are about 5-6 years older than the step siblings and get along pretty well with their step-mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was of the opinion that life would be so much easier if our kids were of the same age but the more I think about it, the more appreciate that his kids are in high school/college and mine are in lower elementary. Sure, the kids dont have a bond at all but I am starting to wonder if the close in age kids would feel too much competition. My ex dh remarried a woman who has kids that are also in lower ES and the complaints from my kids about those kids are incessant even though they'll probably grow up to actually remember life with one another. Whereas I may wish my kids felt more connection to their much older step siblings, I can't help but think I have been saved a headache.

Does anyone have any thoughts or experience on this?

This is so passive aggressive. You want us to congratulate your good luck and criticize your ex? Instead look for ways to help your children deal with your ex's wife's kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think what matters most is not the ages, but rather that you not pressure the kids, and have a realistic understanding that they are unlikely to blend very much. And that the kids not have to make major sacrifices for the sake of your marriage.

This, absolutely. If you think it’d be easier if only kids were different ages, you are already in a mindset where you are looking at this the wrong way. PP is correct, you need to expect less “blending,” and you are gonna need to bend of backward to make sure THEIR schedules are as easy as possible with multiple houses, not yours.

- Adult child of divorce who did not have these things

Yup. And understand that if your household is easier it is because teenagers DGAF about younger stepsiblings or are actually avoiding you and them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids are not "mix and match" sets.
Do everything in your power to raise them in an intact family.
If that is impossible, the responsible thing is to put your sex life on hold until they are 18.

OK. That's not the actual issue being asked. The question is what is easier to do to achieve that "intact family" given divorce and remarriage. Or are you saying the divorced parent needs to be alone until they are 18? And like the OP states, the family unit does not cease to exist when child turns 18. There is still a continuance of the family.

You cannot achieve an "intact family". It is gone. You can maaaybe achieve a "blended" family. Or you can pretend to yourself that you have, and try to force everyone else to play along. But "intact" is gone. Nothing, absolutely nothing, is the same as having your parents married to each other. Accept it.

[Anonymous]

Bending families is hard, OP. You have already experienced the pluses and minuses of similar age vs. large age gap situations. DD wishes that DH had kids close to her age, but I am sure that if it were the case, she may hate it... In a away, there is no ideal age gap (or lack thereof) for step siblings just like there is no ideal age gap for siblings. Everything has pros and cons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids are not "mix and match" sets.
Do everything in your power to raise them in an intact family.
If that is impossible, the responsible thing is to put your sex life on hold until they are 18.

Depending how old are your kids and if you can hold on till they are 18. It's going to be very chaotic otherwise.

[Anonymous]

It is never going to be anywhere close to intact. More than 75% of the blended families are to the level of dysfunctional which means your kids would be suffering the most if you push "family" too much on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids are not "mix and match" sets.
Do everything in your power to raise them in an intact family.
If that is impossible, the responsible thing is to put your sex life on hold until they are 18.

OK. That's not the actual issue being asked. The question is what is easier to do to achieve that "intact family" given divorce and remarriage. Or are you saying the divorced parent needs to be alone until they are 18? And like the OP states, the family unit does not cease to exist when child turns 18. There is still a continuance of the family.

Why would you bother to ask for clarification from the PP?

[Anonymous]

My husband had three kids from a prior marriage and we had one together. There is a 9 year age difference between our kid together and his youngest. I think it's been very easy. When the older kids went away to college, it was hard on our son who was still very young. He missed them. But it made it a lot easier with parenting discipline styles (which are different). I never disciplined his kids, but often did not agree with what he did (or usually did not do). Our son together was too young to know what was doing on or remember it when he started doing the same stuff as a teen. So I could discipline differently.

My brother, on the other hand, started dating his son's best friend's mom. And that completely killed the friendship between the two boys forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband had three kids from a prior marriage and we had one together. There is a 9 year age difference between our kid together and his youngest. I think it's been very easy. When the older kids went away to college, it was hard on our son who was still very young. He missed them. But it made it a lot easier with parenting discipline styles (which are different). I never disciplined his kids, but often did not agree with what he did (or usually did not do). Our son together was too young to know what was doing on or remember it when he started doing the same stuff as a teen. So I could discipline differently.

My brother, on the other hand, started dating his son's best friend's mom. And that completely killed the friendship between the two boys forever.

Would you mind elaborating on your brothers situation? That’s interesting to me. I would’ve thought two boys who were already friends would be ideal. Did they get married?