kids take up all the time?

[Anonymous]

i have 2 grade school kids and ever since they were born (11 years now) dw is stressed and all her time is dedicated to or worrying about the kids to the point that there is no time left for us. rarely up for sex and does like being touched. dw is sah so does most of the work with the kids, but I’m very hands on on as well. is this typical and a phase that will get better once both kids are in school full time and get older?

[Anonymous]

If she’s a SAHM, then the kids are her job. She doesn’t leave her job at the office.

When was the last time you planned a date with her? Really did all the planning as if you were planning a meeting at work? Check her calendar to see when she is free, not ask her when is good? Make sure the following day doesn’t require some sort of evening prep. Arrange for the sitter. Provide dinner for the sitter and the kids. Make the dinner reservation again or give her a choice of 3 places.

[Anonymous]

Yes this is normal

[Anonymous]

Come on. You know the answer to this. Not normal.

I say this as a SAHM who handles the bulk of childcare, also with a very involved dad. At the latest, things should have changed when your youngest started kindergarten. If this was a real reason and not an excuse. Nothing will change, even when your kids go to college. There will always be something to do. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Normal until they are 4 or 5 but not normal at 11.

[Anonymous]

op, here. i have tried dates and dw always has a reason it won't work. things are better when kids or we are gone for a time, but a night out happens rarely and is never enough. youngest is in k (virtual) and oldest in 6th. at home always seems stressful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Normal until they are 4 or 5 but not normal at 11.

This. It should have eased off around 10 unless kids have heightened needs

[Anonymous]

Not normal, but I will say that having to get the kids ready for a sitter, arranging a sitter, thinking about the sitter is very stressful. Make sure you arrange the sitter and the plans and do a lot of the prep to get the kids ready before you head out. It might just be more exhausting for her to think about going out and getting a "break" than to just stay home. Also consider doing a Saturday date when she can relax for a couple of hours before the sitter arrives and then you head out. But by this age she should be able to separate more with your help. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

At around 8 things got much easier for us. No reason she can’t have dates and sex with you, in terms of time. I agree, not normal.

[Anonymous]

How often is sex? How is it?

She does or does not like being touched?

[Anonymous]

Start organizing a babysitter for a regular biweekly date night. Make sure it's on your to-do list, rather than hers. Make sure you are reacting to her as a woman, rather than just a mom. Tell her she's beautiful, bring flowers, a card, hug/touch without asking for anything more, etc.

[Anonymous]

So, your youngest went to school 2 weeks ago and it's virtual so he didn't really go to school. I would wait until your youngest child actually goes to school in person. A lot changes for a SAH mom when the kids are in school. Your big age gap has extended the period where kids are so needy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not normal, but I will say that having to get the kids ready for a sitter, arranging a sitter, thinking about the sitter is very stressful. Make sure you arrange the sitter and the plans and do a lot of the prep to get the kids ready before you head out. It might just be more exhausting for her to think about going out and getting a "break" than to just stay home. Also consider doing a Saturday date when she can relax for a couple of hours before the sitter arrives and then you head out. But by this age she should be able to separate more with your help. Good luck!

This. It's not really a break if she has to do a lot of work to arrange it. Either you do the work or you plan a date that doesn't require very much work.

I would suggest you let her sleep in Sunday morning, make breakfast for the kids, set the kids up with cartoons, and come back upstairs for a while.

[Anonymous]

If the youngest is in K, I’d say things should start getting better once they start real in person school. Virtual school is crap for that age (all ages really) so her workload at home isn’t changing at all.

[Anonymous]

She's avoiding you. If you took up more of the kid responsibilities or if the kids weren't around as much, she'd find other ways to be too busy to spend much time with you.