Anyone resentful their family of origin is such a mess?

[Anonymous]

I’m happily married with kids and have never had any of my issues. My family is a hot mess. Multiple immediate family members died of addiction, then mental illness, multiple divorces, criminal activity, financial ruin, you name it, Ive watched it play out in my life. I should feel fortunate I didn’t make the same mistakes but I have so much resentment and shame over their issues and all the trauma I have walked through because of it. Anyone in a similar situation?

[Anonymous]

Same, but careful up there. Falls from high horses aren’t pretty, so err on the side of just being grateful you haven’t been ill yourself. I mean, good job and all making all your great choices, but also we have to realize we just got very lucky to not be afflicted by the parts of these things that aren’t choices.

[Anonymous]

I am you OP and I give myself hugs when I feel overwhelmed by the shame I feel. Growing up, I felt like I deserved what I got and that all families must be as dysfunctional as mine. When I met my husband's supportive family and then later became a stepmother and mother, I realized that wasn't the case. I have tried to take negative situations from my childhood and flip them so I know what NOT to do as a parent and a spouse. It helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same, but careful up there. Falls from high horses aren’t pretty, so err on the side of just being grateful you haven’t been ill yourself. I mean, good job and all making all your great choices, but also we have to realize we just got very lucky to not be afflicted by the parts of these things that aren’t choices.

not to mention some of those issues are genetic and OP has children

[Anonymous]

OP a question to ask yourself is why at this point are you looking back instead of looking forward. It sounds like you have made good choices, worked hard, and had luck on your side. Those are admirable things and should create a sense of peace and accomplishment. Outrunning the trauma of your childhood is a lifelong task and probably would benefit from therapy. But there is no shame in your circumstances or family of origin. This was never something you had control over. Consider what is tying you to the past, and not your present.

[Anonymous]

It's okay. It can all change in one generation. My mom's family was messed up but us kids had no clue. She always said that she was "modeling normalcy."

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t dwell on it.

[Anonymous]

I do not feel shame or resentment. I feel grateful for what I have, when so many have nothing. And like another poster said, life can turn on a dime.

I feel sad for them. I feel strongly about maintaining proper boundaries with them. But anger and resentment are just self inflicted poisons, and I gave up on letting my family hurt me a long time ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP a question to ask yourself is why at this point are you looking back instead of looking forward. It sounds like you have made good choices, worked hard, and had luck on your side. Those are admirable things and should create a sense of peace and accomplishment. Outrunning the trauma of your childhood is a lifelong task and probably would benefit from therapy. But there is no shame in your circumstances or family of origin. This was never something you had control over. Consider what is tying you to the past, and not your present.

Dealing with all the funeral arrangements for a sibling who overdosed

[Anonymous]

Mine too. I just act grateful and help them as best I can without getting sucked in. there are a lot of teen pregnancies, high school dropouts (my youngest sibling is on their way to that), people in jail (nonviolent) crimes, a little bit of incest, etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not feel shame or resentment. I feel grateful for what I have, when so many have nothing. And like another poster said, life can turn on a dime.

I feel sad for them. I feel strongly about maintaining proper boundaries with them. But anger and resentment are just self inflicted poisons, and I gave up on letting my family hurt me a long time ago.

Same, I don't feel shame and I genuinely wish they could get the support I have found via friends and therapy to find the kind of peace I've found.

And boundaries are specifically how I have reached a point of detachment where I don't feel bitterness and resentment, and can instead have empathy. My family triggers my childhood trauma just by being near me, so I have had to put lots of distance between us and limit how much time I spend with them. I used to feel guilt about those boundaries but I have been pulled back into their drama enough times as an adult to know that I simply need to keep my distance. If I do that, I can view their struggles with kindness and understanding.

[Anonymous]

OP, I recommend to you "Radical Acceptance" by Tara Brach

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone this is helpful.

[Anonymous]

I feel the same way, OP. Just white hot flashes of rage/resentment when I see others having families that are helpful and not abusive.

I do therapy, even now in my mid 30s and it helps.

I also have to continuously refocus on how proud I am of the family I created and how im so glad I broke the cycle of abuse that spans many generations in my family.

I’m not a perfect mom, but my kids will NEVER experience the things I experienced growing up.

[Anonymous]

Reading this helped me:

https://therumpus.net/2012/05/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-98-monsters-and-ghosts/