Mom and her constant life altering plans

[Anonymous]

My mom is one of those people who is never happy no matter the situation. Not including things from childhood when I didn’t notice this, more recently she has moved across the country and started a business, sold that business and moved back because she missed everyone too much, then started a new business in our home state, was miserable for those three years with all the hard work it entails, closed that business as well, retired and moved to a lower COL but not too far away state, and has been there for a year now. She and my stepdad are very happy there and I was relieved that it seemed like they would stay for a while.
Now they are talking about not renewing their lease next summer and moving to Spain next year. Sounds great in theory, but all of her kids and grandkids live in the midatlantic/northeast US. Keep in mind she already lived on the west coast for five years and was miserable because she was so far away from everyone. I would love for her to move wherever she wants, but don’t see this working out long term. I won’t say anything because she’s an adult who can make her own decisions, but I imagine after a few years of living in Europe they’ll want to move back and then will have to start over. All over again.
And then she complains about always having a hard life. I’m much more of a practical person and think things through before making big decisions so this really doesn’t make sense to me. But I’ve realized that’s who she is and I have to keep reminding myself to ignore her constant guilt trips about being too busy to visit, etc.
Sigh. Just venting.

[Anonymous]

Good vent. Sounds like you have a pretty good grasp of the situation. She seems really discontented. As long as your kids are okay, I say let it go.

[Anonymous]

Thank you PP. I know I have to let it go. I’m just anticipating getting a lot of complaints about not visiting her when she’s there. Because that’s what she’s already talking about, us being able to go visit them. She claims she has sacrificed enough for her kids and now it’s time she enjoys life and does what she wants but then wants us all to visit at the drop of a hat. It’s hard enough for us to visit them only a two hour drive away now.

[Anonymous]

Bipolar 2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you PP. I know I have to let it go. I’m just anticipating getting a lot of complaints about not visiting her when she’s there. Because that’s what she’s already talking about, us being able to go visit them. She claims she has sacrificed enough for her kids and now it’s time she enjoys life and does what she wants but then wants us all to visit at the drop of a hat. It’s hard enough for us to visit them only a two hour drive away now.

I don't know if your mom is like this or not but have you seen Modern Family? She reminds of DeeDee!

[Anonymous]

I admire people who are willing to go all in on a dream, even when it doesn't work out.

[Anonymous]

Why can’t you be upfront and tell her not to expect you for any/many visits? When she tries to guilt-trip you, you remind her of the conversation of September 2020.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is one of those people who is never happy no matter the situation. Not including things from childhood when I didn’t notice this, more recently she has moved across the country and started a business, sold that business and moved back because she missed everyone too much, then started a new business in our home state, was miserable for those three years with all the hard work it entails, closed that business as well, retired and moved to a lower COL but not too far away state, and has been there for a year now. She and my stepdad are very happy there and I was relieved that it seemed like they would stay for a while.
Now they are talking about not renewing their lease next summer and moving to Spain next year. Sounds great in theory, but all of her kids and grandkids live in the midatlantic/northeast US. Keep in mind she already lived on the west coast for five years and was miserable because she was so far away from everyone. I would love for her to move wherever she wants, but don’t see this working out long term. I won’t say anything because she’s an adult who can make her own decisions, but I imagine after a few years of living in Europe they’ll want to move back and then will have to start over. All over again.
And then she complains about always having a hard life. I’m much more of a practical person and think things through before making big decisions so this really doesn’t make sense to me. But I’ve realized that’s who she is and I have to keep reminding myself to ignore her constant guilt trips about being too busy to visit, etc.
Sigh. Just venting.

Very logical.

Maybe...

[Anonymous]

Wherever you go, there you are.

[Anonymous]

Please don't say anything about not visiting. That's a very selfish reaction. The appropriate reaction is to enthusiastically support what SHE wants to do with HER life. Once she's over there, IF she asks you to visit, you can respond. Who knows, maybe you won't be able to go because of Covid. Maybe you'll be dying to go because, it's end times. Just let the situation unfold and react - kindly, gently - as you need to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please don't say anything about not visiting. That's a very selfish reaction. The appropriate reaction is to enthusiastically support what SHE wants to do with HER life. Once she's over there, IF she asks you to visit, you can respond. Who knows, maybe you won't be able to go because of Covid. Maybe you'll be dying to go because, it's end times. Just let the situation unfold and react - kindly, gently - as you need to.

+ 1

[Anonymous]

"Oh, wow, that's a big move! I hope you aren't gone too long. We've enjoyed having you nearby for easier visits!"

[Anonymous]

When she complains about living far away just change the topic.

[Anonymous]

Do they have a lot of money? If they decide they don't like Spain can they afford to move back?

That's really the only thing I'd worry about. Otherwise, have a discussion with her about why you wouldn't be able to visit (can't afford it, limited vacation from work, whatever). If you know she's expecting visits, it's only fair for you to give them the truth.