Tips for dealing with easily frustrated child?

[Anonymous]

Our daughter is 6 years old, and she normally is very happy and sociable, and always did well in preschool and kindergarten (no conflicts with other students, paid attention, followed rules). Over the past few months, she has gotten increasingly frustrated, like if she doesn't color inside the line or if she gets into a minor disagreement with a friend. This can lead to epic meltdowns where we just can't even console her for 10 or 15 minutes, after which point she normally is fine again, like it didn't happen. This is concerning to us, and we're worried that it is causing her to lose friendships. We aren't sure if it is partly due to the lockdown, as that is when it really started to happen. Has anyone else dealt with this? Any suggestions?

[Anonymous]

I imagine it is related to the lockdown, where we all lost control of many aspects of our lives. Be sure to shield her from the news, as it is too overwhelming for her to process. I would read about self-regulation in children, as that is what she is struggling with. She needs to learn to identify when her “mood temperature “ is rising, and needs to identify coping skills to put into place to bring the temperature down. You can have her color a thermometer that you have labeled zero to ten. Next to the one, she can, with your help, put things that are a minor annoyance, like when there is a wrinkle in your sock and it feels funny. Then that problem can be labeled “quick fix.” Then up at maybe five is that the kind of jelly you want on your sandwich is gone and you have to eat a different sandwich. That solution is to accept a Plan B. At the top, at the ten spot, would be like your dog died, but don’t put that, if you have a dog!

Now you have to teach her to stop and notice her internal temperature by asking her periodically how she feels. You can model by saying you have a headache and feel like you’re at a four and your coping skill is to drink a big class a music and lie on the couch with soft music for ten minutes. Then do that, and tell her you feel better.

Look into kid yoga online. If she has a meltdown that can’t be avoided, wait until she’s calmed down and ask her where her temperature was at the time and what she could have done to bring it down before it went to ten. Remember that some things feel like a ten to her, although to you, they’re minor. Her brain will develop to let her stop before exploding over time. Just hold her and let her feel her feelings.

Your school can put her in a an online social skill group when school starts.

[Anonymous]

Look into a growth mindset. It sounds like perfectionist tendencies. I like Khan Academy’s way of teaching elementary students about it, but 6 might be a little young for that.

Also, look into Diane Alber’s books (most are available through kindle unlimited). She has great art mixed with feelings and social skills, and the art is all full of “mistakes.”

[Anonymous]

Modeling better responses yourself can help. If you're generally pretty patient yourself, try externalizing the techniques you use. "I just can't seem get this right today! I'm going to try again and see if I can do better this time." "Daddy and I didn't agree about what to have for dinner tonight, so we're going to try to see if we can find a compromise."

Make a big point of dealing with frustration in constructive ways. When she shows frustrations acknowledge that you often feel that way, too ("remember when I couldn't get that jar open yesterday? what did I do then?"), and say that maybe you can help each other find better ways to deal with it when it happens.