what do you say to neighbors about why you are choosing private vs the local public?

[Anonymous]

Getting back to the original question, I'd have two thoughts:

1) You don't really owe anyone outside your family an explanation for the choices you make for your family.
2) If you do feel compelled to offer an explanation, don't implicitly (and certainly not explicitly) criticize your neighbor's choice of the public school. Base your answer on what was unique about your own needs that caused you to go in another direction, but don't feel obliged to reveal too many personal details.

In our case we face this question all the time but we've never picked up on any vibe of disapproval. Early in life our child tested off the charts positive in some areas, but had strong challenges in others; would have struggled in an environment aimed at the norms -- needed a high degree of individualization in the time devoted to shoring up some skills, while also flexibility to go ahead in other areas.

We don't go into all that, we just say, "There were certain things we felt she needed extra work on, so we sent her to a school that enabled her to really focus on those needs."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In some areas there is genuine curiosity as to why people would pay a premium to live in a suburb with top public schools and then pay for private school tuition on top of it. There's a bit of a "I'll have fries with that Whopper" quality to it. If you live in DC and send your kids to private, or live in PG and send your kids to parochial, no one will bat an eye.

the really bitchy part of me says I made the responsible, somewhat unselfish choice to leave the district, which I loved, to avoid those crappy schools for my future kid. turns out my now very real kid is super smart and not being challenged in his suburban school with a great reputation. so DC residents send kids to private because they need it, I send my kid to private because he needs it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
There is a difference between "We thought this private school would work better for our child" and "The public school education your child is getting is not good enough for my child". The former is not criticism of the neighbors; the latter is.

But that's your inner insecurity that's generating the latter message, not me. We all know most of the public schools around here are good. But if I can afford something I think is better, why can't I make that choice without criticism from you?

I'm not even saying you have to agree with me that my child's private school is better. You can think whatever you want and make whatever choices work best for you. I don't judge you for your choices, so quit judging me for mine.

Fwiw, the worst part about sending my kids to private school (aside from the tuition payments) is the judgment I deal with from some people. Relatively few will say negative things, but it's been enough to make me uncomfortable when neighborhood conversations turn to what school my children attend. OP, many people have offered good suggestions on how to deflect the question tactfully. I'd suggest adopting some of them.

No, actually, it's not my inner insecurity. I am very satisfied with the public school education my children are getting. I have zero desire to send them to a private school. And I think it's interesting that you seem to assume that I wish that I could send them to a private school.

So I will just say, again: your sending your child to private school is not criticism of my sending my child to public school.

But your (or, in any case, the OP's) saying, "Your child's school is not good enough for my child" -- that's criticism. And the OP shouldn't be surprised that people have prickly responses.

I'm not any of the PPs above but will add that even if I did say (and I wouldn't) that "you're child's public school is not good enough for my child" may be totally accurate and still not a criticism, just like your saying to me that "your child's private school is not good enough for my child." our kids are totally different, and the environment that might be perfect for your might be terrible for mine.

OP's point is that what other parents HEAR is very different from what the parents of private school kids are saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Hmmm, wouldn't that be an interesting scenario? It would suddenly allow ALL parents to CHOOSE what is best for their kids and to think critically about where to spend their education dollars. It would also eliminate these petty arguments about who goes where to school b/c everyone would be empowered by their choice.

Another interesting scenario -- if there were no such thing as private schools, a la Finland. Or if there were no such thing as private schools, and everybody were assigned to public school via lottery, a la Warren Buffett.

In the real world, "choice" models tend mostly to empower people who already have power.

It also empowers people who are wise enough to use their choice. There are an awful lot of smart kids in poor families who would thrive in private schools, with financial aid that schools are itching to give out, but whose parents can't be bothered to try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is hilarious. I swear, there are more public school parents on this forum than there are private school parents. It makes no sense whatsoever.

I'm the pp directly b/f you and I don't think you get it. I have one in public and one in private. When you include the "stereotypical" things in your answer (to a neighbor asking what is, let's face it, an offensive question), it shuts the whole thing down. Having one in each, I genuinely don't think one is better or worse than the other, just different choices for different kids, so I'm ok playing with the stereotypes and the hot-button subjects. Really, it works.

You may have one in private and one in public, but you are the exception. Most posters on this thread say they are public school parents who think private school parents are stupid, or social climbers, or whatever. There is no reason for those posters to be on this thread unless they want to anonymously vent their negative feelings about private schools. I don't understand that. Why does anyone care where someone else sends their kids to school?

OP, no one needs to defend their school choice to their neighbors. You just nod pleasantly and say, "This is what works best for our family," and move on. There is absolutely nothing offensive, hot-button, or anything else in that answer. If neighbors persist in their questioning or begin arguing with you, I think you can safely surmise that there's something other than curiosity at play, and decline to engage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

In addition, there are some 2nd and 3rd rate private schools that offer inferior academics to those offered at top area publics.

Not even 2nd and 3rd rate. I taught in a private that was considered one of the top private schools in Seattle. Tuition was about $32,000 a year. I was still in school. I didn't even have a Bachelors Degree at the time. The parents had no idea that their 2nd graders were being taught by a teacher with no degree and no experience other than a semester of student teaching. That would never happen in any public school.

You post on a lot of threads. What were you – a teacher's aide?

Huh? No. I taught second grade when we lived in Seattle. Could you be confusing me with another poster?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In some areas there is genuine curiosity as to why people would pay a premium to live in a suburb with top public schools and then pay for private school tuition on top of it. There's a bit of a "I'll have fries with that Whopper" quality to it. If you live in DC and send your kids to private, or live in PG and send your kids to parochial, no one will bat an eye.

the really bitchy part of me says I made the responsible, somewhat unselfish choice to leave the district, which I loved, to avoid those crappy schools for my future kid. turns out my now very real kid is super smart and not being challenged in his suburban school with a great reputation. so DC residents send kids to private because they need it, I send my kid to private because he needs it.

Well, that, or paying extra for the privilege of having people tell you that your kid is "super smart." There are so many smart kids in the suburban public schools that the teachers don't think it's necessary to say it every day. They know those kids will do great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In some areas there is genuine curiosity as to why people would pay a premium to live in a suburb with top public schools and then pay for private school tuition on top of it. There's a bit of a "I'll have fries with that Whopper" quality to it. If you live in DC and send your kids to private, or live in PG and send your kids to parochial, no one will bat an eye.

the really bitchy part of me says I made the responsible, somewhat unselfish choice to leave the district, which I loved, to avoid those crappy schools for my future kid. turns out my now very real kid is super smart and not being challenged in his suburban school with a great reputation. so DC residents send kids to private because they need it, I send my kid to private because he needs it.

Well, that, or paying extra for the privilege of having people tell you that your kid is "super smart." There are so many smart kids in the suburban public schools that the teachers don't think it's necessary to say it every day. They know those kids will do great.

That is true. Also, the smartest kids in the good suburban districts go to the test-in highly gifted centers. These kids are the cream of the crop. Interestingly, there's less bitchiness about sending a kid to one of these centers b/c everyone knows the kid got in solely on the merits - no one bought him/her a spot. Some of the bitchiness directed toward private school parents is the notion that less-impressive kids are there because of money, racial status, sports ability or some other factors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

In the real world, "choice" models tend mostly to empower people who already have power.

And models without choice tend to enable suppliers to ignore the needs/desires of consumers.

I don't think there's such a thing as "consumers" in public education.

[Anonymous]

Just say you went through the same decision-making process as the Obamas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In some areas there is genuine curiosity as to why people would pay a premium to live in a suburb with top public schools and then pay for private school tuition on top of it. There's a bit of a "I'll have fries with that Whopper" quality to it. If you live in DC and send your kids to private, or live in PG and send your kids to parochial, no one will bat an eye.

the really bitchy part of me says I made the responsible, somewhat unselfish choice to leave the district, which I loved, to avoid those crappy schools for my future kid. turns out my now very real kid is super smart and not being challenged in his suburban school with a great reputation. so DC residents send kids to private because they need it, I send my kid to private because he needs it.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

In the real world, "choice" models tend mostly to empower people who already have power.

And models without choice tend to enable suppliers to ignore the needs/desires of consumers.

I don't think there's such a thing as "consumers" in public education.

Exactly! And that's the problem. If parents were consumers things would be much better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

In the real world, "choice" models tend mostly to empower people who already have power.

And models without choice tend to enable suppliers to ignore the needs/desires of consumers.

I don't think there's such a thing as "consumers" in public education.

Exactly! And that's the problem. If parents were consumers things would be much better.

No, if parents were consumers, it would be private education.

[Anonymous]

I just tell the truth and say I reaaly prefer private and dislike public.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

In the real world, "choice" models tend mostly to empower people who already have power.

And models without choice tend to enable suppliers to ignore the needs/desires of consumers.

I don't think there's such a thing as "consumers" in public education.

Of course there are. Families buy houses in districts where they like the schools, for example. Others homeschool if they don't like the public schools for whatever reason. And still others send their kids to private schools -- education is a good like any other, and the people who choose to stay in public schools are absolutely consumers.

I entirely agree that it's not a fully liquid marketplace. But that's a somewhat different point than the one you're making.