Social Media to Blame for Estrangement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For a while I was very close to cutting off my parents. My mom would physically drag me out of the house if I didn't eat her meal and would beat me if I didn't do what she wanted. I was stuck in "that place" of emotional pain for a while well into my adulthood. When I had my own children, I vowed to not be anything like my parents. I did the opposite. I tried to be nurturing and put their needs ahead of mine. I never physically or mentally abused them. Like the vast majority of parents, I love my kids tremendously. However, one of my kids ended up hating me and being estranged (she will not tell me why). Ironically, this estrangement helped me begin the journey of healing my relationship with my own parents.

What things/behaviors/choices has she told you upset her in the past, before the estrangement, that you continued? Odds are she thinks she has told you exactly why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For a while I was very close to cutting off my parents. My mom would physically drag me out of the house if I didn't eat her meal and would beat me if I didn't do what she wanted. I was stuck in "that place" of emotional pain for a while well into my adulthood. When I had my own children, I vowed to not be anything like my parents. I did the opposite. I tried to be nurturing and put their needs ahead of mine. I never physically or mentally abused them. Like the vast majority of parents, I love my kids tremendously. However, one of my kids ended up hating me and being estranged (she will not tell me why). Ironically, this estrangement helped me begin the journey of healing my relationship with my own parents.

Or maybe she has told you why — but you dismissed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For a while I was very close to cutting off my parents. My mom would physically drag me out of the house if I didn't eat her meal and would beat me if I didn't do what she wanted. I was stuck in "that place" of emotional pain for a while well into my adulthood. When I had my own children, I vowed to not be anything like my parents. I did the opposite. I tried to be nurturing and put their needs ahead of mine. I never physically or mentally abused them. Like the vast majority of parents, I love my kids tremendously. However, one of my kids ended up hating me and being estranged (she will not tell me why). Ironically, this estrangement helped me begin the journey of healing my relationship with my own parents.

What things/behaviors/choices has she told you upset her in the past, before the estrangement, that you continued? Odds are she thinks she has told you exactly why.

She never has. A lot of estranged parents truly do know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the cutting off is used to liberally. For abuse, sure, no argument from me, but there is a thread in the Family forum about stopping going to visit grandparents because they are boring.

My mother grates on my nerves. She repeats stories and gets fixated on inconsequential things, but she's in her 80s for goodness sake. I called that woman every day for years when I had babies and small children. She was my lifeline when I needed support, had moved to a new city, and was lonely. If I'm totally honest, talking to her doesn't "bring me joy" at this point, but how horrible would it be of me to stop that effort because I find it tedious because the poor woman is old. Very horrible.

Whose version of abuse? I worked with a woman who cried to anyone who would pay attention that her son and daughter-in-law truly cut her off. “All” she had done was question her grandchild’s paternity and send a sample for an unauthorized DNA test. Now she knows it’s her biological grandchild she’s cut off from!

But hey she never hit anyone so that’s an argument from you?

There might be more to the story than what you are aware of. In that situation, I don't think that I would cut off my parents, but maybe I've just seen more crap than others and so I'm less bothered by things.

What you are saying is you have seem so many abusive things in your life that your abuse meter is broken. This is one of the horrible side effects of abuse, if you assess that the abuse you see isn't so bad because of what you've seen in the past, the problem is you. Again your assessment of what is ok is broken. Being less bothered by things is not something you should be proud of. It means that you have no reasonable judgement when it comes to "bad things" and you probably ignore things you should not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For a while I was very close to cutting off my parents. My mom would physically drag me out of the house if I didn't eat her meal and would beat me if I didn't do what she wanted. I was stuck in "that place" of emotional pain for a while well into my adulthood. When I had my own children, I vowed to not be anything like my parents. I did the opposite. I tried to be nurturing and put their needs ahead of mine. I never physically or mentally abused them. Like the vast majority of parents, I love my kids tremendously. However, one of my kids ended up hating me and being estranged (she will not tell me why). Ironically, this estrangement helped me begin the journey of healing my relationship with my own parents.

What things/behaviors/choices has she told you upset her in the past, before the estrangement, that you continued? Odds are she thinks she has told you exactly why.

She never has. A lot of estranged parents truly do know.

The idea that an adult was never once able to tell her parent she was upset suggests something.

[Anonymous]

If parents alive and kids are alive, there is always a chance to improve relations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For a while I was very close to cutting off my parents. My mom would physically drag me out of the house if I didn't eat her meal and would beat me if I didn't do what she wanted. I was stuck in "that place" of emotional pain for a while well into my adulthood. When I had my own children, I vowed to not be anything like my parents. I did the opposite. I tried to be nurturing and put their needs ahead of mine. I never physically or mentally abused them. Like the vast majority of parents, I love my kids tremendously. However, one of my kids ended up hating me and being estranged (she will not tell me why). Ironically, this estrangement helped me begin the journey of healing my relationship with my own parents.

What things/behaviors/choices has she told you upset her in the past, before the estrangement, that you continued? Odds are she thinks she has told you exactly why.

She never has. A lot of estranged parents truly do know.

The idea that an adult was never once able to tell her parent she was upset suggests something.

It's not uncommon for estranged kids to simply drop the "no contact" bomb and walk away with no explanation. It's a sign of immaturity or in many cases the estranged adult child doesn't know the reason either.

[Anonymous]

NP - I think life is short and way too short to lived estranged from family. Unless there was actual abuse (and these days people seem to use the word "abuse" loosely), I think it's a shame when families walk away from one another. My parents can be very annoying and have said hurtful things, but I'm not going abandon them. I agree with the prior poster about maturity. We need to grow up and not be overly influenced by the therapy culture that tells us to leave our folks if they can't validate our truth or are allegedly "toxic" (insert word). I feel lucky to have a good relationship with my kids, but I know so many good people who are estranged from their own.

Btw- wish your fathers a Happy Father's Day (if they are still alive)! You will make a middle aged/elderly man's day very special just by making that gesture.

[Anonymous]

I think the real toxicity is when we blame others for anything that went wrong in our lives (and social media encourages it). It's my parents' fault that so and so broke up with me. It's my parents' fault that I got fired. It's my parents' fault that that I'm divorced. It's my parents' fault that I didn't make the football team (cheer team or whatever). It's my parents' fault that I have low self-esteem. At some point, we need to stop with the blame game and take responsibility for our own thoughts and choices. I used to be this way and I regret the years that I lost with my parents because I wasted to much energy blaming them for anything that was wrong or negative in my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the cutting off is used to liberally. For abuse, sure, no argument from me, but there is a thread in the Family forum about stopping going to visit grandparents because they are boring.

My mother grates on my nerves. She repeats stories and gets fixated on inconsequential things, but she's in her 80s for goodness sake. I called that woman every day for years when I had babies and small children. She was my lifeline when I needed support, had moved to a new city, and was lonely. If I'm totally honest, talking to her doesn't "bring me joy" at this point, but how horrible would it be of me to stop that effort because I find it tedious because the poor woman is old. Very horrible.

Exactly! I feel the same way. My mom definitely gets on my nerves, particularly when she treats me like I'm still 5 from time to time. I also have some very bad memories with her from my childhood. Still, she is my mother. I know that she genuinely loves me. If I got hurt or was in trouble, she would be there for me. If I died, I know that she would be devastated. I know that she tried her best with what she knew and what she thought was the best. I choose to forgive her, rather than discard her. Also, as most us know, forgiving is not the same as forgetting.

Hey, that’s awesome that your mom genuinely loves you and is there for you if/when you are hurt or in trouble. That is how it should be.

My mom doesn’t have unconditional love for me. Some people think this is simply not possible - that all parents unconditionally love their kids, even if it’s “in their own way” - but it’s not actually true unfortunately. When I’m hurt or in trouble, she tells me that I deserve it, and takes every opportunity to kick me when I’m down. This taught me to do everything possible to hide my life from her to save myself from this abuse when I was already at my weakest. She doesn’t have my back. She doesn’t wish the best for me. It’s bewildering and painful.

We’re now estranged because I had no other choice in order to save myself. I’d love to have garden variety family dysfunction with love and support underneath it all when it really matters.

[Anonymous]

The answer is YES. Internet therapy and therapy speak has emboldened a whole generation of MeMeMe. It's also the precursor of the sidelining of one's parents so as not to ever have to care for them later. Ok, yeah that's hard, but...
That said, there will be a million people coming here with stories of actual abuse, ok, but that's not what's generally going on here. So many people cut off for the dumbest of reasons, and it's pervasive. Daughter in law took a comment the wrong way, jealousy among siblings, Geandma suggested a bottle feeding outside of a schedule, didn't come to all the ballet recitals, on and on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the real toxicity is when we blame others for anything that went wrong in our lives (and social media encourages it). It's my parents' fault that so and so broke up with me. It's my parents' fault that I got fired. It's my parents' fault that that I'm divorced. It's my parents' fault that I didn't make the football team (cheer team or whatever). It's my parents' fault that I have low self-esteem. At some point, we need to stop with the blame game and take responsibility for our own thoughts and choices. I used to be this way and I regret the years that I lost with my parents because I wasted to much energy blaming them for anything that was wrong or negative in my life.

It’s my parents’s fault that when I was forced to eat a plate of vomit in nursery school— because no one had told the school that I was “sick” — my parents chose not to believe me when I told them what had happened. I grew up unprotected in some pretty impactful ways. Is that close enough to “real toxicity” for you — or would you like some more examples?


Try not to project and overgeneralize too much. You can own your own story and your own growth— without shifting to “we” and what “we” need to do — as you navigate your own regrets.

Oh, Happy Father’s Day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The answer is YES. Internet therapy and therapy speak has emboldened a whole generation of MeMeMe. It's also the precursor of the sidelining of one's parents so as not to ever have to care for them later. Ok, yeah that's hard, but...
That said, there will be a million people coming here with stories of actual abuse, ok, but that's not what's generally going on here. So many people cut off for the dumbest of reasons, and it's pervasive. Daughter in law took a comment the wrong way, jealousy among siblings, Geandma suggested a bottle feeding outside of a schedule, didn't come to all the ballet recitals, on and on.

Yes - exactly! It's mainly petty offenses that tick off these adult children. Sometimes the offenses might be more major - but we live in a time when people easily throw their parents away (unwilling to remember all the good that they did and unwilling to forgive any mistakes because parents are supposed to be perfect). Also, what people consider to be abuse these days is truly distorted. I think Gen Z, in particular, is very weak and overly sensitive. That's why you see all of these videos of Gen Z kids complaining (and physically crying) that they are being forced to work a 40 hour weak and other ridiculous things like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the real toxicity is when we blame others for anything that went wrong in our lives (and social media encourages it). It's my parents' fault that so and so broke up with me. It's my parents' fault that I got fired. It's my parents' fault that that I'm divorced. It's my parents' fault that I didn't make the football team (cheer team or whatever). It's my parents' fault that I have low self-esteem. At some point, we need to stop with the blame game and take responsibility for our own thoughts and choices. I used to be this way and I regret the years that I lost with my parents because I wasted to much energy blaming them for anything that was wrong or negative in my life.

It’s my parents’s fault that when I was forced to eat a plate of vomit in nursery school— because no one had told the school that I was “sick” — my parents chose not to believe me when I told them what had happened. I grew up unprotected in some pretty impactful ways. Is that close enough to “real toxicity” for you — or would you like some more examples?


Try not to project and overgeneralize too much. You can own your own story and your own growth— without shifting to “we” and what “we” need to do — as you navigate your own regrets.

Oh, Happy Father’s Day.

Even that is a poor example of serious abuse. It was called a bad day, a day when a poor decision was made. I don't even understand the eating of vomit part? You threw up and then ate your vomit? Someone made you eat your vomit? Or you were sick and were still made to go to school, then threw up (?) Come on! Are you carrying this throughout your life as a reason to be mad at your parents? For life? Life, then, is going to be one disappointment after another. And, you really have to eventually grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the real toxicity is when we blame others for anything that went wrong in our lives (and social media encourages it). It's my parents' fault that so and so broke up with me. It's my parents' fault that I got fired. It's my parents' fault that that I'm divorced. It's my parents' fault that I didn't make the football team (cheer team or whatever). It's my parents' fault that I have low self-esteem. At some point, we need to stop with the blame game and take responsibility for our own thoughts and choices. I used to be this way and I regret the years that I lost with my parents because I wasted to much energy blaming them for anything that was wrong or negative in my life.

It’s my parents’s fault that when I was forced to eat a plate of vomit in nursery school— because no one had told the school that I was “sick” — my parents chose not to believe me when I told them what had happened. I grew up unprotected in some pretty impactful ways. Is that close enough to “real toxicity” for you — or would you like some more examples?


Try not to project and overgeneralize too much. You can own your own story and your own growth— without shifting to “we” and what “we” need to do — as you navigate your own regrets.

Oh, Happy Father’s Day.

Uh, yeah, some better examples. And they better be good.