Putting dog to sleep - how involved should 5 year old be?

[Anonymous]

Our 14 year old dog has heart failure that isn’t responding well to meds. We have an appt for in-home euthanasia for Saturday. I’m already planning on leaving our 3 and 5 year old with my mom for the actual procedure - but what about after? Should I let him see the body/attend the burial? Or just explain the dog went to heaven it’s all done? I’m just lost and so sad as it is. I don’t want to put stress on him, too. Any advice from someone that’s BTDT is very appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Let him say goodbye before the procedure.

Don't let him see the body. I'm still traumatized by the sight of my dead cat after I put her down when I was 36.

[Anonymous]

Definitely have him say goodbye beforehand. Maybe make a card or a little toy to go with the body (if you're saying "heaven," then "to go with Doggie to heaven"). Do not let them see the body.

I'm so sorry about your dog. That's a sad, hard loss.

[Anonymous]

They should NOT see the body. Their last memory of the dog should be hugging and kissing and petting goodbye.

[Anonymous]

OP I’m very sorry for your loss. Be careful what you say to a 5 year old. They have a very distorted self referential (did I cause it?) and uncontrollable set of thoughts around this age. Look it up.
Therefore I would say I took him to the vet but sadly the vet couldn’t help him. We had him cremated and we can bury him later. Or something like that. Whatever you do don’t say you had a hand in it. “He was suffering etc etc” Kids DONT always tell you or even know what they think. Like “if I’m suffering will I die too?” But they won’t tell you that.
I’m paraphrasing from child development books.

[Anonymous]

5 is a very hard age to loose a pet.

[Anonymous]

I agree on not seeing the body, however, I think a funeral or some other memorial service is important. If you're burying him in the yard, do that before they come home, but then have a service. I think that would be nice.

My cat that died when I was 11 was buried outside my window, and I used to "talk" to her often when sitting at my desk, even through high school. It was comforting. When my parents finally moved when I was in my early 30s, that was probably the part I was most sad about, to leave her grave. So I think that can be really nice, and I highly recommend it.

One thing I will warn you about - maybe it's just me, maybe it's being older, but I fully intended to dig up the cat to see the body/say goodbye. Luckily, I got a really bad cold the day after she died, and was sick in bed for a week, and I was smart enough at 11 to realize that digging her up after a week would be gross. So if you do opt for the burial at home I would emphasize that it's important not to disturb the grave. Again - maybe I was the weirdo, and kids that are 3 and 5 aren't likely to be unsupervised long enough to do something like that, so maybe it's not an issue, but with hindsight, I can see that would have been a disaster on several levels.

[Anonymous]

I don't think they should see the body. I had my dog put down at home last year, and both the euthanizing and seeing his limp little body afterwards were very upsetting to me, a grown ass woman.

[Anonymous]

We recently put our elderly dog down. After we scheduled with the vet, we told the children each day to make sure to give the dog love (they were attending school in person at that point) because he was sick and very old. The vet came while they were at school and when they got home we told them the dog got even sicker that day and the vet came to see him. The vet said that w was very ill and wouldn’t get better so the vet gave him some medicine to help him die very gently. We explained that this is what we do with pets because they don’t understand medical treatment but are not afraid to die.

We went this route because when I was 5 my parents put our dog down and told us in advance that my dad was taking her to be put down. My siblings and I were SO MAD at my dad (who, I now realize, must have been beside himself). I was an adult before I forgave him.

Our kids were sad, but it was manageable. The five year old cried but it seemed more like she did it because she thought she was supposed to. Every so often she would look at us and say, “well, the dog is still dead...” in a wistful tone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let him say goodbye before the procedure.

Don't let him see the body. I'm still traumatized by the sight of my dead cat after I put her down when I was 36.

+1. I let our young (at the time) son know that our kitty had died at the vets office.

DS knew that kitty was sick and had gone to the vet, which I explained was like a doctor and hospital for pets. After a day or two, I let him know of death. He asked me about it years later as a teen, "did that really happen mom or did he run away?" Gave full truth then.

[Anonymous]

We put our dog down when our kids were 5 & 7. They knew she had cancer and could see with us that she was in bad shape. They said good bye at home and understood what was going to happen. 7 yr old then wanted to go to the dr. with DH so we let him. It did not seem to be traumatic and he appreciated that he got to pet his dog while he went to "sleep."

I probably wouldn't have allowed it at 5 and if it had been their first experience with death, don't know that I'd have let the 7 yr old. But by then he'd already experienced the death of two grandparents and seen them in open caskets so he definitely knew what death was like.

Shortly after that we gave both kids framed photos of each child with the dog. DS, now 17, still displays it in his room.

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much everyone.

[Anonymous]

This is a really good book, op:
https://www.amazon.com/When-Pet-Dies-Fred-Rogers/dp/0698116666

[Anonymous]

I want to cry- it brings back memories for me. Our kids were a little older- 9 and 7 when we put our 14 year old dog down. We all cried, said goodbye and my DH brought her to the vet. The kids understood that the dog didn't feel well and that it was time for her to go. I would have their last look at her when the dog is still alive.

[Anonymous]

Yup. My a$$&& of a DH “didn’t want to be there” and so I was there with a toddler and pre-schooler. Never again. Do not have your kids there but tell them pet is very sick and might not make it” and put them down when kids are not around.