5 year old- explosive tantrums

[Anonymous]

I have 3 kids but am really struggling with my middle kid who is 5. She is 95% of the time a great kid, great at playing with her siblings, reading, playing with dolls, etc. Not easy going, but easy enough.

However she has an explosive temper that comes out at times and I am really struggling. When something sets her off she will lash out physically and verbally. I try to stay calm and matter of fact but sometimes I yell when she does this, I have to admit.

When I intervene, if she hits her sister, she turns on me and will hit me, scream at me. The only thing that calms her down is putting her physically into her room for a time out and locking the door. She stands at the door for about ten minutes screaming at me but eventually calms down and plays or reads in her room. When I come to let her out, she is very apologetic and sweet, and typically she’s normal the rest of the day.

This happens a few times a week and it’s really stressful for our whole family. Her siblings get upset and so do I. I have tried talking with her when she’s not in this state and she seems to understand but she totally loses control during these times. It’s also gotten worse since COVID which I guess makes sense since we are all trapped in the house.

Neither of my other kids have tempers like this and I’m not sure if it’s normal or not, and what I can be doing better to help her manage her emotions. Obviously I need to not yell, ever, when she does this, but besides that? Is therapy warranted?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like my nearly 4 year old. Been dealing with it for at least a year, maybe for two years with all the tantrums. Some kids are very intense and difficult. it sucks, i know and am envious of people with easy kids.

[Anonymous]

This has been 4-5 for us. I feel like I’m failing with giving her coping tools. She knows all the calm down techniques, but gets too upset to implement them. 0-300,000.

[Anonymous]

It's really hard being the middle child but it's completely normal. Try to see where she is coming from - she might be tired or hungry when it happens or just be extra frustrated to be the middle child.

[Anonymous]

Have you talked to her about precursors? Like how her body feels when she is getting angry? Warning signs and options? Trying to use calm down techniques in the moment is likely too hard. Identifying those feelings is easier before the event.

[Anonymous]

See if you can keep track of what she eats before these outbursts. One of mine had explosive outbursts after eating string cheese (also had a boss like this but she didn't seem to see the connection -- steam was almost literally coming out of her ears after eating string cheese) and also Goldfish and a list of other foods I won't get into here.

It was definitely a food allergy for us. Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

[Anonymous]

My intense kid who had outbursts turned out to have anxiety. That might or might not be the case for your child, but it might be helpful to keep in mind for the future.

This article seems to give good advice in this scenario:

https://www.anxiety.org/what-to-do-when-your-anxious-child-throws-a-temper-tantrum

[Anonymous]

NP. Very good posts above, OP. The gist is this: Sit down and think about her triggers and precursors as one PP calls them.

I'd actually take some paper and list when she has had these if you possibly can, and try hard to remember what was happening to and around her preceding these tantrums. See if there is ANY pattern to them or link between them. Ask your spouse to help you try to map it out.

Do these happen when she is tired but not showing tiredness yet? I knew a couple of kids who actually still needed a short daytime nap at five or at least down time without siblings around.

Between meals, when she hasn't eaten in X hours? Blood sugar crash is a real thing and can make people aggressive, even adults, without their realizing what's making them want to lash out.

After she eats specific foods? (the PP above who talked about food is right, that is a trigger in some kids, especially food dyes, especially yellow dyes which are in a lot of stuff)

After she has been told "it's time to finish X activity now and move on to Y"? Transitions can be very hard for some kids even in kindergarten, and they don't have the mental maturity yet to switch from Fun Thing X to Not So Fun Thing Y, so they resist.

After she has been interacting with her siblings a lot, and she's suddenly very "done" with them, but instead of being able to say, "I'm going to my room" like an older kid would at that point, she just melts down on the spot?

After you've been interacting with her siblings a lot and she's wanting attention? To children this age, even "negative attention" from a parent is still attention, so they act out because it will get them noticed even if that notice is "I'm putting you in your room."

See if you can figure out if there are triggers that go beyond mere "bad behavior" and try to mitigate the triggers. I'm not saying to tiptoe around her or let her emotions rule the household. But you may be able to avert these meltdowns if you know for example that she needs a lot more forewarning about a necessary transition, or she needs a little daily time with a parent without her siblings around, etc.

When she does still lash out, is the discipline very, very consistent? you said you put her in her room -- what do you do and say when she hits a sibling or an adult which is always 100 percetn fo the time not acceptable? What is the consequence, the thing she values but loses temporarily because of her behavior? I strongly recommend you look up Jo Frost's parenting techniques and especially her timeout techniques. She is the TV "Supernanny" FYI, and she has some excellent timeout procedures but you need to understand they will require you and dad to be extremely consistent (and to stop putting her in her own room for timeouts, which in the end rewards meltdowns by putting her where her own toys are and letting her have alone time to play with them to "calm her down"). I'd check her out.

This IS something you can get past but it will happen sooner if you can both avert the meltdowns to start with (not always easy, I know from experience) and have an actual consequence where she knows in advance that if she does X action, she loses Y thing that she wants. Every. Single. time.