Would you bother repairing a relationship with someone you felt was conniving?

[Anonymous]

I have a family member who I have been very close with and not close at all over the years. We have contact at least once a month just through family events. This person is controlling and ruthless in getting what they want and controlling benign situations. As a result, I really pulled back. I know this person wants to repair the damage, which was over a somewhat small issue, but still proved they were untrustworthy and mean spirited. I haven’t really seen any effort in terms of action of changing their behavior. I think they will always be that person trying to control everyone else and say how things are done. I think they are just ruthless to get what they want and feel like they are in charge. I’m torn if I should continue to keep distance even if it means sacrificing some quality time with family or if I should try to make amends as best as I can and make an effort to trust this person since I do have such frequent contact.

[Anonymous]

Nope. I can be cordial in family gatherings, but so long as the behavior has not changed, I will not allow sh!tty people to take advantage of me again.

[Anonymous]

No, politely keep at arms length from now on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, politely keep at arms length from now on.

This.

No big announcements about cutting them out if your life. Just do it. When you see them at family events, be polite, keep the conversation short and light and move on. You don’t have to return calls. If they invite you to do things individually, you can be unavailable.

[Anonymous]

No. Ain't got time in my life for dysfunctional relationships. They'll play nice until you let your guard down, but they're not really changing. Trying to 'repair the damage' is just another way of trying to control you. Don't give up time with the rest of the family, though! Just don't engage with the toxic one.

[Anonymous]

No. Never.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. Ain't got time in my life for dysfunctional relationships. They'll play nice until you let your guard down, but they're not really changing. Trying to 'repair the damage' is just another way of trying to control you. Don't give up time with the rest of the family, though! Just don't engage with the toxic one.

Good advice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. Ain't got time in my life for dysfunctional relationships. They'll play nice until you let your guard down, but they're not really changing. Trying to 'repair the damage' is just another way of trying to control you. Don't give up time with the rest of the family, though! Just don't engage with the toxic one.

Good advice!

+1

Or until they want something. Don't bother, OP. Not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Nope! Cordial, polite but distant.

[Anonymous]

Definitely don’t make an attempt to trust them; that would be ignoring your good instincts. You can be distantly cordial without trusting them.

[Anonymous]

No! I’m currently dealing with this exact same thing. I’ve been burned too many times to fall for their false and veiled apologies and sudden interest in me. I know they have motives or want something, like always.

[Anonymous]

It's possible they're a control freak who suffers from anxiety. And controlling their environment is an effort to lessen said anxiety.

Or they're just an asshole. I'd be more likely to forgive the first, and ignore the 2nd, but you do what seems right to you.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are entitled to a preference. A preference for acting anyway you feel inclined. You do not have to figure out this person's motivation. You do not need to know their mind, their heart. You don't need to reach a judgement. You need to be courteous. You do not need to share. You owe no one any explanation -ever- re: acting on a preference.