Are separate bedrooms the death knell of a marriage

[Anonymous]

Been married for 20 years, during most of this time I have been for the most part sleep deprived because of my husband's snoring. It's always been a problem but it's getting worse and worse. I'm not sure if his snoring is actually getting worse, or if my sleep is becoming lighter but it's getting to the point that it's intolerable to me. For quite a few years, we have been able to manage this by maybe half of the time having one of us fall asleep on the couch or sometimes my husband will sleep in the guest bedroom, especially when it's the night before I have something important to do at work. But the thing is, I have started a new job and am under quite a bit of stress and don't feel like I can continue to function under a sleep deprived condition. The problem I have is the stigma surrounding the whole thing. Society seems to think that sleeping in separate bedrooms is the sign of something is very wrong in a marriage, and I really don't want my kids to have memories of their parents having different rooms, and think there is something wrong with our relationship. Is anyone else dealing with this situation? How are you handling it?

[Anonymous]

Do you have sex? Has he had a sleep study and he is fine?

If the answer to both is yes,go ahead and sleep separately.

If he hasn’t had a sleep study, sleep separately temporarily until he does.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I have slept apart for years. We have opposing sleep habits as he is a morning person and I am a night owl; he thrashes around in his sleep, and our marriage has been fine.

[Anonymous]

Its not the death knell of the marriage having separate rooms if you can't sleep - its probably the thing that will save it.

[Anonymous]

Married 30 years and have slept in separate rooms for the last 7-8 years as my husband’s snoring became intolerable. He also now goes to bed by 9 pm and doesn’t want to be disturbed by my getting ready for bed two hours later. Our marriage is solid, and we do have sex. And I don’t think my kids think twice about it. (They can hear their dad snoring from the floor above!)

[Anonymous]

We often end up in different rooms if one of us is snoring. We don’t like it but it’s simply the price for a decent nights sleep. It has had no effect on our sex life which has always been fine because no one is snoring, just moaning.

[Anonymous]

I think it's a mixed bag. We finally moved to this, also due to DH's intolerable snoring. We're both better rested but it has affected intimacy.

[Anonymous]

I moved in w/ my now husband when we were engaged, about 2 months before our marriage. Within the first month I had alerted that media that we had a problem and the future was bleak due to his snoring.

He did the sleep study, has been on a cpap ever since, and we've been married more than a decade now.

I also haven't gone a night without earplugs (unless I'm alone) for more than 15 years.

Even with that there are still times when I flee to a guest bedroom but those are the exceptions, not the rule.

That said, a work trip w/ a bed all to myself in a hotel room is a treat I cherish and so desperately can't wait to have back in my future!!

[Anonymous]

It doesn’t have to affect it. I’m a very restless sleeper and my DH is a very light sleeper. We’ve slept in separate bedrooms for a couple years now. Initially it did affect intimacy because a lot of our sex was in the middle of the night (usually after I’d woken him with my restlessness), or early in the morning. We just had to be more intentional. I started moving into his bed when I wake up - I usually wake up an hour or so earlier than him to use the bathroom. Or he’ll go to bed with me at night and then move to his bed after sex if I’m keeping him up. I think our sex life is better now because DH isn’t exhausted all the time.

[Anonymous]

For us one of us will move to a different room 2-3 nights a week because of snoring. It’s not ideal by any means. Our sex life is fine because we are evening people and we always head to bed at the same time.

[Anonymous]

My parents have been sleeping apart for decades because of my father’s incurable snoring.

Like any serious and chronic health issue, this affects the marriage.

Couples who can find a way to deal with this stay together.

[Anonymous]

One of our very good/long term couple friends sleep separately because of his snoring. They just celebrated 25 years of marriage (and years of dating before hand). I would consider them a #goal kind of relationship just in the way to communicate and work around each other.

[Anonymous]

It is not where you sleep. It is if you still have sex or physical intimacy (hugging, kissing, cuddling).

[Anonymous]

I'd say we've been much happier since we've started sleeping in different rooms - we are both sleeping much better. We aren't as tired and cranky.

Sex is the same. I do miss the pre-sleep chats, but sleep is more valuable.

[Anonymous]

He needs a sleep study. Snoring can be a sign on sleep apnea. My DH resisted, I moved to the guest room until he went to the doctor and went through with the sleep study. Took 6 months, but I was exhausted and felt i had no other choice. Literally, because his snoring was so disruptive it woke me up 5-8 times a night, but also from fighting about it. It was so clear that his snoring was a sign that something was very very wrong and I was sick of him ignoring it and risking his health, as well as mine.

Shocker, the sleep study showed he had severe sleep apnea and stopped breathing hundred of time a night.