Inappropriate touching

[Anonymous]

Our kids play regularly with our neighbor's kids. For the most part they all get along very well. Today their often wild, probably undiagnosed ADHD, 5 year old son pulled down my 3 year old son's pants and appeared to try and stick his finger up his butt. My son was clearly upset, both sets of parents were around and separated the kids, 5 year old got a time out.

I asked my son later about it and he confirmed that the little boy did put his finger in his bottom. I talked about inappropriate touching with my son, but don't know what to do now. Is this normal? Is this boy being abused? Do I talk to the parents? Should I bring it up with him to see what he says about it? Should I not let them play together? Help, I'm totally freaked out!

[Anonymous]

Presumably the 3 year old would be supervised still at this age, so I think you just keep an eye on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our kids play regularly with our neighbor's kids. For the most part they all get along very well. Today their often wild, probably undiagnosed ADHD, 5 year old son pulled down my 3 year old son's pants and appeared to try and stick his finger up his butt. My son was clearly upset, both sets of parents were around and separated the kids, 5 year old got a time out.

I asked my son later about it and he confirmed that the little boy did put his finger in his bottom. I talked about inappropriate touching with my son, but don't know what to do now. Is this normal? Is this boy being abused? Do I talk to the parents? Should I bring it up with him to see what he says about it? Should I not let them play together? Help, I'm totally freaked out!

Definitely don't let them play together. And don't leave your son alone with the adult neighbors either. Wait a few days and see if your son is ok. Don't freak out in front of him bc he'll take his cues from you but don't dismiss his feelings either.

[Anonymous]

My boys are ages 5 and 3 and this is not beyond the realm of possibilities of things they would/have attempted, especially when our youngest was running around potty training -- they just think that butts are wildly entertaining. They are not abused. Your 3YOs interpretation of "in his bottom" may be different than yours.

With that being said, I would be disturbed if a neighbor did this to my kid and would talk to the parents.

[Anonymous]

One thing matters most: Your son was upset. I would not have him play with this kid any more. If you do, you're sending a signal to your son that he should basically "get over it."

You are going to get replies here saying the neighbor boy is being abused, was sexually acting out, etc., but you will also get replies saying "boys will be boys, it was horseplay and nothing more." Go with your gut. Find other playmates for your son and be too busy to play with this boy. I get that the pandemic may mean finding other playmates is tough, and this family lives nearby so they're an easy source of playdates, but I wouldn't let all that make me cave in on putting these kids together again.

[Anonymous]

I would not let that child play unsupervised with someone younger or weaker, if you see what I mean. There is the potential for all kinds of hurt because of his impulsivity.

And it's probably not abuse, but developmentally-appropriate, but not socially-appropriate, curiosity.

[Anonymous]

Wait. How does this happen with 4 adults watching? First step- supervise your 3 year old.

[Anonymous]

For the love of god, ADHD doesn't cause this.

[Anonymous]

That is sex abuse. If you are for real, I would talk to the parents and possibly report it as most kids don't come up with that stuff on their own. That is not ADHD and no, kids should not play together or be left alone. A 5 year old is not a 4 year olds friend. And, kids should not be playing together right now anyway but rules don't apply to you.

[Anonymous]

Whelp. That would be the end of playing with that kid. Just being honest. Even though kids think bottoms are endlessly fascinating and funny, most don’t cross the line and stick a finger in another child’s bum. 3 is little. I’m sorry, OP. You must have been pretty damn upset. Everyone who is not unsettled by this probably didn’t have a 5 year-old stick a finger in their 3 year-old’s bottom. It’s about being violated. I would use different terminology with my little one, but between us adults, that’s what happened- even in “fun”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait. How does this happen with 4 adults watching? First step- supervise your 3 year old.

This is what I was wondering.

[Anonymous]

I have a boy who was never alone with a random babysitter and never abused. At 4 he dropped his pants and asked a friend to show his penis. The friend told (which I am glad about), we all had more conversations about appropriate touch, we got books about it and were very serious about what is good and bad touch. My son is not a horrible person, he’s never done anything like it again, he’s not hyper sexual or displays any indication that he was sexually abused. You can make a HUGE deal about this and shame both boys, or you can use this incident to educate them. And definitely supervise more closely. I don’t think cutting ties with the family is necessary unless more incidents happen.

[Anonymous]

Oh lord. Kids think butts are hilarious. He didn’t really stick a finger in his butt OP, right? You mean he touched the crack? Supervise the kids. Especially with COVID, none of that should have happened and honestly, it’s on the adults (you, OP). But I would not leap to sexual abuse or other crazy things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the love of god, ADHD doesn't cause this.

Well duh. However children with ADHD often have issues with impulse control so it does seem relevant.

[Anonymous]

Call CPS.