'On-program' relatives love to preach
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Anonymous
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I am a normal weight and have been all my life. I'm around a size 8-10. So I'm not skinny, but my BMI is and has always been in the healthy range. I look and feel good.
My mom, my cousin (peer-age, with whom I am very close) and my aunt have struggled with weight, off and on, over the decades. Right now, all three are on Weight Watchers. I am glad they are developing and sticking to healthy habits, and I've definitely been happy for them when they have said I've lost pounds, I feel good, I'm down another 3, whatever. My problem is the preachiness. They love to talk AT me about what is working for them, as if I don't know. The importance of protein, of drinking water, of daily exercise, of getting steps in. Blah, blah, blah. What to order at restaurants, what to avoid. The joys of being On Program. The enlightenment of being On Program. Focusing on health On Program. I do not need any of this information. I'm still in better shape than all of them, I've never had to shop for plus-sized clothing, I've never had my doctor tell me I needed to lose weight. I do not need any of this proselytizing. I do not need to change my habits in order to be healthy. It's at the point where, during a video chat recently where we all "ate dinner together," they criticized what I was eating (taquitos, rice/beans, sauteed vegetables, a margarita). Yes, I indulged in Mexican take-out. They ASKED me what was for dinner, and when I told them, it was 30 minutes of preaching as I was eating. I said yeah, this is indulgent, I don't normally eat this way, but this is a special treat, a fun take-out night. Still wouldn't shut up. I'm tired of the nonstop commentary, the email of "a great new recipe I just HAVE to try." I already eat healthfully, I already exercise, I already balance. I want to be supportive of them, as I know they've struggled. But TBH why does every conversation revolve around this? Why are they preaching to the choir? I ALREADY KNOW all of this, that's why I've always been a healthy weight! Advice? Suggestions? Experiences? Thank you. |
Anonymous
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They are obviously obsessed with their weight and body image. Nothing wrong with being on any kind of weight loss regimen, but it shouldn't be something that is talked about constantly. It is zealotry.
If you can, change the subject immediately when in conversation with them. One of them brings up the subject, you say, "So how is your hobby/job going?" If they don't get the hint after you repeatedly do this, then tell them flat out that you are disappointed every conversation has to do with weight and eating. If they get their hackles up then just QUIETLY (and without telling them) find other ways to be busy and curtail your time with them. |
Anonymous
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“You have stop criticizing me, because I have no problems with my weight or my food.” |
Anonymous
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I agree with the subject change, followed by the direct and simple ask to leave you alone about weight-related issues.
If they persist: "Yes, the nice thing about being and maintaining a healthy weight is that sometimes you can have taquitos, and it's no big deal." "Yes, the nice thing about being and maintaining a healthy weight is that sometimes you can have brownies." |
Anonymous
| They are jealous of you, and are taking it out on your he taquitos. |
Anonymous
| Because they are all jealous that you can enjoy a normal relationship with food. They don’t get that fearing Mexican fare is a self-fulfilling prophecy. |
Anonymous
Maybe some of that. But I think they're more just completely caught up in the ugliness that is program/recovery culture. Thinking about it makes me cringe every time someone rushes into a thread here to recommend AA and it's various branches. The program the program the program. I'm sorry OP, they sound especially enmeshed. |
Anonymous
| Obviously, don’t eat with them, even over a video chat. This is the zeal and fervor of the recently converted and happens across all sorts of things. Try to minimize talking about foodwith them and give them time to get over the newness of it all. Good for them they are finding success! Change the subject when they bring it up and move on. For the love, do not call them jealous or lord it over them that you e always been healthy so don’t need them To tell you anything l, not saying you would do that, but just in case you are tempted to do that. |
Anonymous
If she directly asks them to stop telling her what to do, and they don’t stop, she absolutely has the right to tell them that she is healthy and does not need any advice. |
Anonymous
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We have family members like this. I ignore/change the subject. My aunt, however, will give it right back, openly relishing her indulgences and saying she would be so sad to eat "rabbit food" on take-out night. I think both sides of the aisle are obnoxious, but at least my aunt doesn't start with that bragging until she is shamed/chastised.
Don't poke the bear in the zoo. |
Anonymous
| It’s irritating but it’s just what people do. I think it’s fine to say directly that you’re happy for them that they’re doing great on the program but that you are comfortable with your eating habits, not looking to make a change, and don’t want their advice about it. |
Anonymous
Equating WW with AA is pretty poor judgement. Alcoholism destroys families and kills people, hence the intensity of some people's participation in AA as a program that they perceive as literally saving their lives, marriages, jobs. WW does work but as a program doesn't expect (or deserve) the kind of intensity that many need to have to stick to AA. Weight issues are real and can be serious health problems but unlike alcoholism they do not put others--spouses, kids, coworkers, other drivers unwittingly on the road with a drunk driver--at ongoing risk of physical harm. See the difference? And why it's not a good comparison between a program that helps people lose weight and one that helps people fight a serious disease that can mean they harm others? That said, I agree with OP that the focus on WW is way overdone with her relatives. OP, you can't change them but maybe in time if they get zero response they'll start dropping this with you. Of course never have any mealtime video chats again--did they suggest the "eating together" theme for the one you had? I'd start being too busy to do any chats at mealtimes and would confine those to times between meals. Always have a topic to turn to; when they start on WW, do acknowledge things ("I lost two pounds!" "Hey, good for you") but then move right on to something new to which they really have to respond, like, "Did you see (favorite show) last night? I thought of you when X said Y--remember when we..." Distract, deflect, change topics. Arguing with them will only make them worse so deprive them of oxygen by not engaging on the topic except to make short supportive "congrats." But if they do the lecture about a meal again--tell them you find it hard to enjoy the food you paid for when you are hearing it criticized. "I hoped the topic would be (Sally's kid's art project/whatever), not my once a week treat. Since my choice of food upsets you, I'll hang up so I can eat it and so you can enjoy your choice of meals, and I'll give you a call later. Bye." Then you call later and never mention the previous call. The sweeter you are as you say all this, the better. Just act as if you can't talk as long as your food is a topic. |
Anonymous
This sounds like a good approach. |
Anonymous
| "Why are you so focused on what I eat and what I do? Focus on yourself. I'm glad you found a program that works for you." Change topic. |
Anonymous
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Hopefully you've learned not to skype-eat with these people.
Change the topic repeatedly. If they really are not changing the topic, just say 'oops, I have to go'. If they really get into it I'd tell them I'm proud they have battled their obesity but that you don't have that issue and frankly, the topic is boring to you. PS if you are an 8-10, you ARE skinny, especially to these people. |