how to help the perfectionist daughter?

[Anonymous]

My daughter is a total type A, over achiever, perfectionist child... which is a lot like me. She isn't a perfectionist with the things she does, rather with herself. She wants to be perfect.

It is a blessing and a curse. It makes her so easy to parent, because she wants to be perfect in every way and tries so hard at everything.. but she is so hard on herself. It kills me to see her get so upset with herself when she gets a grade that isn't perfect, or doesn't play as well as she would like to in a game. She is smart, athletic, popular etc.. yet it is never enough for her. She will cry over a B on a test etc...


How do I help her realize that she is enough without her achievements, and without being perfect... I always tell her that as long as she tries her hardest I am so proud of her, but it doesn't always help. It is much different then her two older brothers, who are high achievers as well but aren't so hard on themselves, and I have to push them a little more to reach their highest potential. Should I have her see a therapist, or is that too much?

[Anonymous]

I think you should see a therapist. You push your already high achieving boys? Why? And why do you not think that affects her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should see a therapist. You push your already high achieving boys? Why? And why do you not think that affects her?

I think that might be what is best, thank you.

I don't need to anymore, but when they were her age (in elementary school) they definitely weren't motivated to do homework etc.. They are now that they are older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should see a therapist. You push your already high achieving boys? Why? And why do you not think that affects her?

I don't need to anymore, but when they were her age (in elementary school) they definitely weren't motivated to do homework etc.. They are now that they are older.

[Anonymous]

Yes she should seek professional help. She needs to learn how to handle disappointments of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should see a therapist. You push your already high achieving boys? Why? And why do you not think that affects her?

sorry, I read this wrong. I am perfectly fine thank you very much..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should see a therapist. You push your already high achieving boys? Why? And why do you not think that affects her? [/quote

PP, I think you are twisting OP’s words here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes she should seek professional help. She needs to learn how to handle disappointments of life.

Thank you for the response.

[Anonymous]

Maybe avoid inquiring about grades (or commenting too much) and praise the effort not the outcome.
Also, it’s important to realize challenges and failures play important roles in learning so maybe a book about that, like a biography type of someone she would find interesting.

[Anonymous]

I need a little more info here.

We are all perfectionist to some degree in our family of 4. DH and I are research scientists, ie, we found careers that required some degree of perfectionism and doggedness, attention to detail, and critical thinking skills.

So as long as it's not pushed to extremes, perfectionism is a personality trait like any other, it can give certain advantages in life, and should not be pathologized.

Instead of rushing to spend your money on a therapist, why don't you read up on perfectionism? Get a few books on the subject, and then make a plan to listen and talk with your daughter on an ongoing basis.

I would focus my conversation on economizing/prioritizing/sorting. These are all words to describe how a successful person channels their effort into what's most important to them and/or what is most likely to pay off in the long run to achieve their goal. Some teens are very good at this: to get all As without too much effort, they calculate exactly which assignment has the most weight and they need to do well on and which assignment they can just ignore

You might scoff at the example, but this is a key ability, because un-discriminating perfectionists and people-pleasers can end up with full-blown anxiety disorders because there comes a point in their lives when they have too much going on and they cannot succeed everywhere. They must learn to accept that failure in non-key areas can mean better success in critical areas.

[Anonymous]

I saw the perfectionist aspects of my DD’s personality when she was three. We made a point of modeling laughing at our goof-ups and talking about our disappointments a lot. We also got her involved in things we knew she wasn’t good at - like art - and emphasized the fun of it. We started holding back any “good job” comments as much as possible.

DD is 16 now and an accomplished ballet dancer as well as a straight A student - and a happy, popular kid with good friends. She still has perfectionist tendencies but she understands the importance of failure now.

My advice is to de-emphasize results in her life and focus on her effort. And let her see you fail and laugh about it as well as admit your mistakes.

[Anonymous]

I think helping her learn will come in small moments, when she realizes something’s difficult. Helping her breakdown big tasks into smaller parts and focusing on improving where you can.

[Anonymous]

Read up on growth mindset. You need to change your language to help her. You can do this.
I have a perfectionist kid. It takes a lot of talking but you want a kid who is resilient.

[Anonymous]

My oldest, now 13, has been like this all her life. She has had straight 4.0's in 6ty and 7th while taking high school courses. It is easy to parent them BC they regulate themselves well. But, she had an eating disorder at 5 that was managed by the time she was 11, just in time for puberty. We saw a therapist and she had food therapy as well. I wish it manifested in keeping an orderly room and bathroom. We also did growth mindset but her goals are so lofty, we thought they added more pressure.

[Anonymous]

I have wondered this. My dd is only 4 but uses the word “perfect” a lot and wants everything just so. She thrives off praise and compliments and will keep working at things because she wants to be perfect. It’s hard to know when to praise (like with reading) and when to not. We have always praised the effort. But I’m type A too. She sees me making my house perfect and getting ready and cleaning (I never use the word perfect or verbalize what I feel inside).