Still thinking about failed college friendship 20 years later

[Anonymous]

The title says it all. I had a close group of friends freshman thru junior year of college. But I got depressed my senior year and sort of withdrew... I had a death in the family and then my family was undergoing financial distress. Anyway, I wasn't fun to be around admittedly, and started eating dinner alone in my dorm room, not answering my door when people knocked, etc. My group of friends ended up dumping me... The ring leader emailed me and said I'd changed, etc. I tried to apologize and explain, but they were done. The rest of my senior year I felt really alone, and for years I have sort of avoided becoming close to friends again. I ended up getting married and having kids and they are my world now, but I still get teary thinking about those friends 20 years later. I know they don't think about me at all. Has anyone else had the loss off friends impact them for years? I feel like I need to just get over it, but whenever I think about college that is the overarching memory.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I was dumped by a good friend during college and it still hurts. He ended up coming out and I suspect that was the reason he withdrew from our friendship. I'm sure he was dealing with his own stuff, but he never gave me a chance. I would have been proud to support him in whatever way he needed. I still miss his friendship.

[Anonymous]

I had something kind of similar happen with my college friends, although only like 13 years ago. I've thought a lot about it because while I was admittedly not a great friend at the time, I was also going through a really hard time and they were very much not there for me. So I dunno, I feel like i had to accept my role and forgive myself to come to peace with it. Which isn't the same as whitewashing history, but is kind of like...

I look back in hindsight and see a collection of imperfect people. I went through something difficult during the exact time we needed to seal those college bonds in blood to keep them going. I was not a good friend during that time, and they were not good friends during that time.

I am not articulating this well at all but I got closure by forgiving myself and forgiving them. Nothing we do and say is in a vacuum. All relationships come from two people (or more) all having a role in the outcome. And its important to grant yourself permission to see that it probably was not all your fault, but it was somewhat your fault, and that despite all that fault, none of you have to be bad people. You don't need to accept a label of 'bad friend' or 'bad person' as part of your personal definition of self in order to believe that you made mistakes back then. And you don't have to think those friends were perfect just because you make a mistake back then.

I think thinking about friends as for 'seasons' helped me too. Those friends were amazing and I love them, despite all that happened. They were perfect for where I was in my life then. Open yourself up to new friends OP, and don't put the pressure of an expectation of a lifelong bond. You can be thick as thieves during one season, distant or not talking the next, and it doesn't devalue what the friendship once was.

This is kind of rambling sorry if it doesn't make sense, but good luck And what you're feeling is normal IMO

[Anonymous]

One of my college friends did that. I reached out to her about 10 years later and reconnected and she appreciated it. I even convinced her to come to a reunion, which she enjoyed. She apologized for her behavior senior year and said she feels like she missed the year and it wasn't worth it (she brought it up, I didn't mention it). But then she lost touch again so it's been a long time since I've heard from her.

Maybe reach out to one or two of them.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend like that. It was weird. We were close but then she just...started ignoring me. It hurt at the time and I was too shy or embarrassed to confront her. I think she thought I said something about her, but who knows.

It ended up paving the way for my DH and I to connect. And I think she is happily married to the guy she met while we were in class together.

[Anonymous]

I was ghosted by a close friend from college who was in my wedding. it hurt like hell for years and I even sometimes dreamed about her. I’m not sure why she ended things but over time I don’t think about it much. Sometimes I just remember her and think about how many years it has been since we talked and then I realize that we have both likely changed so much by now. I just try to think that she was suppose to be in my life for a season and that season is over but luckily there are new people to meet and develop friendships with.

[Anonymous]

I think this is the downside to “friend groups.” This sounds more like middle school than college seniors!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was ghosted by a close friend from college who was in my wedding. it hurt like hell for years and I even sometimes dreamed about her. I’m not sure why she ended things but over time I don’t think about it much. Sometimes I just remember her and think about how many years it has been since we talked and then I realize that we have both likely changed so much by now. I just try to think that she was suppose to be in my life for a season and that season is over but luckily there are new people to meet and develop friendships with.

I like the way you said to think of some friendships having a season is really helpful.

[Anonymous]

I was ghosted by my best friend from college a couple years after we graduated. We lived in the same city and were hanging out and talking regularly. She just stopped returning my calls. I don't know what I did but I do know her boyfriend didn't like me so I figure that was the root of it. It hurt for a long time and was a big reason I jumped at a chance to move to a new city. It was 25 years ago and still makes me sad if I think about it, which I don't often do anymore.

[Anonymous]

Are you seeing a therapist OP? You have a bunch of unresolved issues. First, I have found that in both high school and college, people will shift in their last year as they're getting ready to move on to new things. In both of those, I started hanging out with a different circle of people and didn't see my friends from before then quite so much. You also don't seem to be taking real ownership of your part of the issue. You no longer wanted to be part of whatever it was they were doing -- for most people, there's no clearer signal that you're over them than not answering the door or joining them for activities. You ghosted them. You did change and you did move on, even if it wasn't for bigger and better things. I get that you weren't capable of doing more at the time, but you seem to be blaming them.

[Anonymous]

I’m not really sure if this is a ring leader freezing you out situation since you ghosted your friends first. Seems like you made yourself unavailable and eventually people moved on. With more emotional maturity on all of your parts, you would have asked your friends to support you rather than hermiting and they would have recognized that your withdrawal was a sign you needed help. But both sides failed here, not just them.