How do I learn how to be a good parent

[Anonymous]

It feels like the inmates are running the asylum at our house. We have a 4yo son and 2yo daughter. Ordinarily they are both very sweet but this is obviously stressful time and I feel like it’s really shining a light on and testing the weaker aspects of our parenting skills. Our DS is never happy unless he is watching tv, and everything (mealtime, bedtime) has become such a constant struggle. He pays zero attention to us when we say no or ask him to do something. Everything is a power struggle with him. I feel like we need a new strategy. What books/ resources do you recommend? A couple years ago everyone was recommending 123 magic but now it appears to have gone out of favor?

[Anonymous]

Why can't he watch tv?

[Anonymous]

Choose your battles.

Try using a silly voice (sometimes I'll talk to myself in 3rd person using a silly voice) and joke around a bit when it is time to get shoes on, brushteeth, etc.

Familiarize yourself with the ages - autonomy, curious, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't he watch tv?

Oh, he does!!! Hahahahaha. No tv, what a thought. He just isn’t allowed to watch it ALL day. Only, like, much of the day depending how much he wears us down.

[Anonymous]

As long as it's tolerable for you, how about a strict schedule?

[Anonymous]

Read Meghan Leahy the parenting coach who has a column in the WaPo. HEre's her website:

https://www.mlparentcoach.com/

She has great information about the different things you can expect from kids at different ages. I believe she also does phone calls when you're really stuck. I haven't read a column of hers yet where I disagree with her parenting advice. Sound, research- and evidence-based advice.

Good luck. Those were hard ages for me, and I remember thinking I was going to suck at parenting. You arent' -just by virtue of asking the question, and trying to figure things out. the people who have it all figured out are the ones who might regret their FIRM VIEWS later on.

You've got this.

[Anonymous]

PEP was super helpful.

But nothing you have said here makes it sound like you need parenting help. It sounds like you need this pandemic to be over, and we all do! All the skills and strategies in the world won’t make this painless.

[Anonymous]

Pep parenting classes are very helpful. They're offering more for free or steep discount during the pandemic.

[Anonymous]

I never ask my kids to do something. I tell them. Because it's not a choice.

Here's what would happen:

Me: It's time to put all your blocks in the basket and then wash hands for dinner.
DS4: No.
Me: That wasn't a request. You have until the count of 3 and then you get punished. 1, 2, 3.
DS4: NO
Me: Okay. Go to your room. Don't come out until you're ready to apologize and do what you were told. Are you going to walk on your own or am I carrying you?
DS4: No. I'm still playing.
Me: No you're not. You lost that privilege by refusing to do what you were told. You have until the count of 3 to go to your room or I will MAKE you go. 1, 2, 3.
DS4: Taking a strong stance for political preschoolers everywhere, stays still.
Me: Okay.

And then I scoop him up and deposit him in his room. "You can come out when you're ready to put your blocks away and wash hands for dinner. We'll be eating dinner without you."

And then I close the door and walk away. And if he screams through dinner, so be it. If he trashes his room, he will clean it up.

(My personal rule on kids cleaning up is that as long as they start doing it, I will help them. Big messes can feel overwhelming, even for adults. So I'm fine with helping a kid clean up their toys as long as they begin first. If they stop because they see I'm doing it, I stop and encourage them to keep going.)

[Anonymous]

+1 for PEP classes. ANd you don't need to be in free fall to benefit from them, or from a coach session with Meghan Leahy or another parent coach.

[Anonymous]

First of all, the fact that you asked this question means you are a good parent. The ages of your kids are the absolute worst - especially the older one. We called them the f$&ing four's. Everything was a power struggle. No was an automatic response and she learned to argue so early. Mine responded to choices at that age. For example, to get her in the bath..."It's bath time. Do you want ice cubes or glow sticks in the bath tonight?" Choosing an option means she also makes the decision to get in the bath. "It's time to get dressed. Do you want your pink dress or your rainbow dress?" Choosing a dress means she is also choosing to get dressed. I know...it's absolutely exhausting. Power through! It won't last forever.

[Anonymous]

I thought I was the only one and my husband loosing it with our 4 year old daughter. From the very second she gets up, she wants to do what she wants to do. Power struggle begins. Every task to accomplish takes for ever. I am so tired of it. Will that ever end? We only have one child.

[Anonymous]

I like Love and Logic. They have CD's you can listen to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought I was the only one and my husband loosing it with our 4 year old daughter. From the very second she gets up, she wants to do what she wants to do. Power struggle begins. Every task to accomplish takes for ever. I am so tired of it. Will that ever end? We only have one child.

YES! The four's are terrible. Wait a couple of years. Six has been a dream.

[Anonymous]

Schedule and consistency, and as much outside as possible. Figure out how much tv time you are ok with and have set times every day. In your situation I would say tv for the 4yo is during the 2yos nap time. Then depending on what time you eat an hour or so before or after dinner . Stay consistent with it and he’ll stop asking. Schedule doesn’t have to be rigid but certain times of day are for certain activities . Think of things you are ok with every day and somethings once or twice a week.