How to boost daughters (16) confidence?

[Anonymous]

Hey all,

Single father of two teens here. Older kid (16 year old girl) has been struggling with confidence lately. She makes a lot of statements about not feeling pretty and wishing she was skinnier, etc. I try my best to remind her that she is beautiful and special, but it isn't clicking. What should I do? I just want the best for her.

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Get her hair done and have someone teach her to do it. New clothes and make up.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, teach her to be less superficial and that what's most important is how she treats people rather than how she looks.

[Anonymous]

Focus on attainable things like academic and EC success. Once you have something to be proud about, you will feel proud. Looks are external and they can be worked on too but self-confidence comes from knowing that you have attained something on your own merit.

Start her on exercise, healthy eating, skin, dental, and hair care. Once you are healthy in these areas you have a good canvas to work on. Rest is superficial and a makeover of good hairstyle, makeup and nice clothes can happen very quickly.

[Anonymous]

Hi! Mom of 17 and 15 y.o. DDs in LA's westside (the heart of skin-deep).

I think it's hard to diffuse the obsession with their looks that many girls have at this age, especially since the obsession is helped along by the media. So the first thing is, it just may be something your DD has to get through, and while you may not be able to help as much as you like, your job may just be to not make it worse (I'll explain at the end).

So what I've done--and this has worked--is do a substitution. Focus on health instead of beauty. Since we are hardwired to perceive healthy people as more attractive, it is a roundabout way to satisfy the need to be beautiful, and it undercuts the unhealthy ways to attain beauty. It undercuts the "I need to be skinny/lose weight" issue, and any of the eating disorders. The key is to link the health and the beauty, and make the health the condition and standard for beauty; the indirect way to attain beauty.

I now have one girl who is really into makeup and clothes, but also into dance, running and yoga and weights. My other girl is has a natural look and is into hiking/biking/surfing/weights. Both are into eating healthy; one is strict keto+dairy, and the other is more relaxed but still eats very healthy. Both try to get sleep as they understand how that fits into the equation. Also; the health kick has totally overwhelmed any possible interest in drugs or alcohol (one does want coffee; but only takes a sip. I think it's just the idea that she *can* have coffee)

****
Ok on a totally separate note, my kids' rooms had full-length mirrored closets. I noticed that they spent a lot of time looking in the mirror. It must have been really nice living before the time of mirrors! You can get a plastic film that frosts the glass at Home Depot. This is so, if they need to look in the mirror, they have to go to the bathroom or somewhere else; there isn't that judgy mirror distracting them all the time.

Also, no one ever tells a kid the *purpose*, the *reason*, for looking in the mirror. If left to their own devices, many girls think the reason to look in the mirror is to pick themselves apart. When they were younger, I told my girls the reason to look in the mirror is to make sure they are dressed appropriately for the occasion. That they have not mis-buttoned. That they are not in a dress for hiking or in hiking shoes for church. Your DD is older so those examples are a bit silly, but you can get that message across. The mirror is a tool. There is a reason to be looking in the mirror; make the mirror work for you by using it appropriately.

**
Finally, a few years back I attended a lecture on girls' development. The speaker said that a girls' dad has a huge influence on a girl, because they are this very important adult male that has no sexual interest in them. The researcher said that dads have to be very careful with this power. (I'm paraphrasing) "The guaranteed way to start a daughter on an eating disorder is for a dad to say that she is too fat, or needs to lose some weight, or that she looks sexy in that dress."

Ok I hope this helps!

[Anonymous]

Do you have any shared interests?

Focusing on something you do together is the best you can do. It doesn’t matter if it’s running, playing an instrument, whatever. Encourage her. Spend time with her.

(This assumes you e got the basics covered like healthy teeth, adequate clothes, etc.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi! Mom of 17 and 15 y.o. DDs in LA's westside (the heart of skin-deep).

I think it's hard to diffuse the obsession with their looks that many girls have at this age, especially since the obsession is helped along by the media. So the first thing is, it just may be something your DD has to get through, and while you may not be able to help as much as you like, your job may just be to not make it worse (I'll explain at the end).

So what I've done--and this has worked--is do a substitution. Focus on health instead of beauty. Since we are hardwired to perceive healthy people as more attractive, it is a roundabout way to satisfy the need to be beautiful, and it undercuts the unhealthy ways to attain beauty. It undercuts the "I need to be skinny/lose weight" issue, and any of the eating disorders. The key is to link the health and the beauty, and make the health the condition and standard for beauty; the indirect way to attain beauty.

I now have one girl who is really into makeup and clothes, but also into dance, running and yoga and weights. My other girl is has a natural look and is into hiking/biking/surfing/weights. Both are into eating healthy; one is strict keto+dairy, and the other is more relaxed but still eats very healthy. Both try to get sleep as they understand how that fits into the equation. Also; the health kick has totally overwhelmed any possible interest in drugs or alcohol (one does want coffee; but only takes a sip. I think it's just the idea that she *can* have coffee)

****
Ok on a totally separate note, my kids' rooms had full-length mirrored closets. I noticed that they spent a lot of time looking in the mirror. It must have been really nice living before the time of mirrors! You can get a plastic film that frosts the glass at Home Depot. This is so, if they need to look in the mirror, they have to go to the bathroom or somewhere else; there isn't that judgy mirror distracting them all the time.

Also, no one ever tells a kid the *purpose*, the *reason*, for looking in the mirror. If left to their own devices, many girls think the reason to look in the mirror is to pick themselves apart. When they were younger, I told my girls the reason to look in the mirror is to make sure they are dressed appropriately for the occasion. That they have not mis-buttoned. That they are not in a dress for hiking or in hiking shoes for church. Your DD is older so those examples are a bit silly, but you can get that message across. The mirror is a tool. There is a reason to be looking in the mirror; make the mirror work for you by using it appropriately.

**
Finally, a few years back I attended a lecture on girls' development. The speaker said that a girls' dad has a huge influence on a girl, because they are this very important adult male that has no sexual interest in them. The researcher said that dads have to be very careful with this power. (I'm paraphrasing) "The guaranteed way to start a daughter on an eating disorder is for a dad to say that she is too fat, or needs to lose some weight, or that she looks sexy in that dress."

Ok I hope this helps!

Not OP but this was very helpful! Thank you for posting!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi! Mom of 17 and 15 y.o. DDs in LA's westside (the heart of skin-deep).

I think it's hard to diffuse the obsession with their looks that many girls have at this age, especially since the obsession is helped along by the media. So the first thing is, it just may be something your DD has to get through, and while you may not be able to help as much as you like, your job may just be to not make it worse (I'll explain at the end).

So what I've done--and this has worked--is do a substitution. Focus on health instead of beauty. Since we are hardwired to perceive healthy people as more attractive, it is a roundabout way to satisfy the need to be beautiful, and it undercuts the unhealthy ways to attain beauty. It undercuts the "I need to be skinny/lose weight" issue, and any of the eating disorders. The key is to link the health and the beauty, and make the health the condition and standard for beauty; the indirect way to attain beauty.

I now have one girl who is really into makeup and clothes, but also into dance, running and yoga and weights. My other girl is has a natural look and is into hiking/biking/surfing/weights. Both are into eating healthy; one is strict keto+dairy, and the other is more relaxed but still eats very healthy. Both try to get sleep as they understand how that fits into the equation. Also; the health kick has totally overwhelmed any possible interest in drugs or alcohol (one does want coffee; but only takes a sip. I think it's just the idea that she *can* have coffee)

****
Ok on a totally separate note, my kids' rooms had full-length mirrored closets. I noticed that they spent a lot of time looking in the mirror. It must have been really nice living before the time of mirrors! You can get a plastic film that frosts the glass at Home Depot. This is so, if they need to look in the mirror, they have to go to the bathroom or somewhere else; there isn't that judgy mirror distracting them all the time.

Also, no one ever tells a kid the *purpose*, the *reason*, for looking in the mirror. If left to their own devices, many girls think the reason to look in the mirror is to pick themselves apart. When they were younger, I told my girls the reason to look in the mirror is to make sure they are dressed appropriately for the occasion. That they have not mis-buttoned. That they are not in a dress for hiking or in hiking shoes for church. Your DD is older so those examples are a bit silly, but you can get that message across. The mirror is a tool. There is a reason to be looking in the mirror; make the mirror work for you by using it appropriately.

**
Finally, a few years back I attended a lecture on girls' development. The speaker said that a girls' dad has a huge influence on a girl, because they are this very important adult male that has no sexual interest in them. The researcher said that dads have to be very careful with this power. (I'm paraphrasing) "The guaranteed way to start a daughter on an eating disorder is for a dad to say that she is too fat, or needs to lose some weight, or that she looks sexy in that dress."

Ok I hope this helps!

Not OP but this was very helpful! Thank you for posting!

Thank you internet stranger!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Maybe, next time she brings that up, try listening and asking questions. “Why do you feel like that honey?“ She is opening up to you so maybe she will give more info. I will say that many women no matter what the age wish they were prettier and thinner so this is not uncommon. Maybe you could reflect back, “yeah there is so much Ridiculous pressure to look a certain way in our society...” Also, maybe “women are held to such ridiculous standard of beauty.” Or, “I can only imagine how rough it can be to be a teen girl these days, with all of those pressures of looking a certain way in school or in the media- most people don’t meet that ideal- there are all types of wonderful people out there beautiful in there own way on the inside and outside.” Also make sure you are not making judgmental remarks about other people based on their appearance eg “geez that woman has a big nose..” and that you are complimenting her on non-appearance aspects of her self and that you frequently talk about non-appearance aspects of other women that you admire.

[GabiJohnson]

Do you have any shared interests?

Focusing on something you do together is the best you can do. It doesn’t matter if it’s running, playing an instrument, whatever. Encourage her. Spend time with her

[Anonymous]

Tips:

-Encourage your teen to develop an interest in a hobby. Particularly one where progress is quantifiable. Ex. Running, biking, drawing, knitting
-Help them develop good hygiene
-Encourage them to make gradual progress on goals. Ex. Drinking water 20oz one day, 40oz the next, etc
-Remind them that their self-worth is not dependent on their Snapchat score, number of streaks, number of followers,etc. To be honest, I would tell her to delete all social media accounts, but you don’t have to.
-Teach your teen household skills. This will help them feel confident in their ability to be independent in college and beyond.
-Remind your teen that it is okay to not be liked by everyone