Sending condolences by text?

[Anonymous]

Maybe I am just old...but several friends who know I suffered the loss of a family member this week are sending me texts: "how are you doing"? Or, "just checking in."

I know they mean well, and am glad they are not calling unexpectedly....but how could I really share my deep feelings by text?

I feel like email would be more appropriate. Who can pour their heart out on a little phone screen, which is always inserting typos and emojis??

Is it me? Shouldn't texts be used for short, pressing communications? Not heartfelt, thoughtful communications??

[Anonymous]

I think text is more intimate than email, personally. And they aren’t calling bc they are giving you space.

[Anonymous]

Some people have trouble sending long messages about this stuff.

You could reply:

Thanks for reaching out. I'm hanging in there. I'd love to hear your voice if you have time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think text is more intimate than email, personally. And they aren’t calling bc they are giving you space.

+1

People worry that email won't be seen for a very long time. So many people are terrible at email management these days.

[Anonymous]

OP here--Thanks for these interpretations. And for delivering them without snark.

I was late to texting and it is helpful to realize how others perceive it.

I think of it as very brusque: for messages like, "I am parking now. Be there in 5."

But, these views (that they are intimate) help me understand where my friends might be coming from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here--Thanks for these interpretations. And for delivering them without snark.

I was late to texting and it is helpful to realize how others perceive it.

I think of it as very brusque: for messages like, "I am parking now. Be there in 5."

But, these views (that they are intimate) help me understand where my friends might be coming from.

Call me old school, but I agree with you OP. I understand the conditions we are all living in right now, but IMO when it comes to condolences the sender should always think of the receiver FIRST.

If these individuals know you are of a generation that is new to technology, and they know you are not a big texter, they should be sensitive enough to consider that. Sending you a text saying, "Sorry for your loss." is indeed brusque.

[Anonymous]

They are not sending condolences. Sending condolences is "I'm so sorry for your loss. Brad was a great man and will be missed by all who knew him" That's the sympathy card stage.

You're in the next stage of mourning now. Where the funeral is over and you're expected to get back to life. For your friends to text you to check on how that's going is totally fine. You should be grateful that people care and are acknowledging how difficult it is to figure out your new life.

[Anonymous]

People are reaching out to you to check on you and to show you that they care about you. They’re also trying to do it in a way that will reach you quickly — unlike email — with minimal stress or expectations from you. If you want to reply with a simple “ Thanks for thinking about me” or even with an emoji, you can. It's a format that isn’t demanding a whole lot from you — in a respectful way.

If you would like deeper conversations, let your friends know. If you would welcome calls, you can tell them or call them. Or you can send them emails. While this might feel like it’s on you to reach out, for me it’s more that your friends have reached out to you - and you have options re: indicating what kinds of supports you might prefer right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are not sending condolences. Sending condolences is "I'm so sorry for your loss. Brad was a great man and will be missed by all who knew him" That's the sympathy card stage.

You're in the next stage of mourning now. Where the funeral is over and you're expected to get back to life. For your friends to text you to check on how that's going is totally fine. You should be grateful that people care and are acknowledging how difficult it is to figure out your new life.

But the death happened 3 days ago and there can be no funeral because of COVID-19. Just saying...

[Anonymous]

OP, most of these responses are from people who are probably stir crazy. Or some kind of crazy

You have suffered a recent loss - THIS WEEK. Yet some of these nitwits are saying you should already be moving into the next stage of grief. And you should be grateful that they are even texting you?!!

Obviously this kind of input is either from the grossly self-absorbed narcissist or psychopaths with no empathy.

[Anonymous]

I think they are reaching out but don't want to intrude. People don't generally email anymore because it's not something people usually check frequently.

If you need a chat you could call them and have a chat. Death is one of those things that people are unsure how you will react, hence the text of 'just checking in'. What they are saying is that they are there for you in you want a chat but don't want to intrude in case you aren't up for it.

If you need a chat they are telling you they are there to listen.

[Anonymous]

They're just saying, I'm thinking of you.

How do they know how you feel about texting vs. emailing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are not sending condolences. Sending condolences is "I'm so sorry for your loss. Brad was a great man and will be missed by all who knew him" That's the sympathy card stage.

You're in the next stage of mourning now. Where the funeral is over and you're expected to get back to life. For your friends to text you to check on how that's going is totally fine. You should be grateful that people care and are acknowledging how difficult it is to figure out your new life.

But the death happened 3 days ago and there can be no funeral because of COVID-19. Just saying...

The lack of a funeral is throwing things off. These people would probably have come to the wake and offered these sentiments there. Without our usual rituals, people are floundering a bit. They mean well.