DH doesn't meet my emotional needs

[Anonymous]

DH doesn't meet my emotional needs at all. For example, when I'm upset he is not good at comforting me. If I talk to him about something important and really open up to him, he doesn't respond in the conversation. As in I talk, and then he is just silent with no acknowledgement or reflection on what I've just said. Also, there is a lack of camaraderie because we don't do much together as a couple, even something simple like watch tv. Because of this I don't feel close to him at all. Is this normal? I have talked to him about this a million times, and at this point it just makes him upset to discuss. I feel lonely in my marriage. Other than this DH is a good husband. He is a good provider and helps a lot with childrearing and chores. I try to supplement the lack of emotional connection I get from him with friendships, but I still really long for a partner who I can be closer to.

[Anonymous]

does he feel the same - lonely? if so, then try engaging him in something he likes - it can't be just about what you want/like.

if that doesn't work, some counseling may be in order b/c then you're just roommates

[Anonymous]

What exactly do you say when you discuss this? For me, I had to tell husband that I don’t want a hug when I am upset, I prefer to be left alone. I told him this, reminder him a few times, real time, and now he understands

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:does he feel the same - lonely? if so, then try engaging him in something he likes - it can't be just about what you want/like.

if that doesn't work, some counseling may be in order b/c then you're just roommates

When I am in a period of getting my needs met outside of the home at a high rate, he complains of loneliness. A part of the problem with connecting is that we don't like any of the same things. He pretty much is only into martial arts (which I have no interest in) and going out to eat. If we do something together it will be going to a restaurant which I enjoy doing, but sometimes I want to do some sort of entertainment activity. I feel like it's healthy to do stuff together that gets your mind distracted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH doesn't meet my emotional needs at all. For example, when I'm upset he is not good at comforting me. If I talk to him about something important and really open up to him, he doesn't respond in the conversation. As in I talk, and then he is just silent with no acknowledgement or reflection on what I've just said. Also, there is a lack of camaraderie because we don't do much together as a couple, even something simple like watch tv. Because of this I don't feel close to him at all. Is this normal? I have talked to him about this a million times, and at this point it just makes him upset to discuss. I feel lonely in my marriage. Other than this DH is a good husband. He is a good provider and helps a lot with childrearing and chores. I try to supplement the lack of emotional connection I get from him with friendships, but I still really long for a partner who I can be closer to.

See, this right here may be the problem. You may be too emotionally high-strung, and he feels like he is walking on eggshells, so he has withdrawn.

He is your husband, not your therapist. Of course he should be appropriately responsive if you're emotional once in a while, but if you are emotional ALL THE TIME, he may be exhausted.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need a hobby or some outdoor activities that can help you refresh your mind and calm your emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:does he feel the same - lonely? if so, then try engaging him in something he likes - it can't be just about what you want/like.

if that doesn't work, some counseling may be in order b/c then you're just roommates

When I am in a period of getting my needs met outside of the home at a high rate, he complains of loneliness. A part of the problem with connecting is that we don't like any of the same things. He pretty much is only into martial arts (which I have no interest in) and going out to eat. If we do something together it will be going to a restaurant which I enjoy doing, but sometimes I want to do some sort of entertainment activity. I feel like it's healthy to do stuff together that gets your mind distracted.

Are you bipolar? This sounds like hypomania. Maybe it was just the wording?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I am not bi-polar. I also have hobbies outside of the marriage. I am emotional sometimes but not all the time. I was just using the example that if I am talking to him about something important to me he doesn't respond in the convo, which makes me feel unheard. Even though I have my own hobbies and social like, I just would also like to be "friends" with DH. How busy my social like is ebbs and flows, I was just mentioning that when it's highly social DH feels lonely. But at the same time he doesn't hangout with me, and also is not big on hanging out in groups. I dunno I thought it was common for couples to watch movies together or have tv show they both enjoy, but maybe I am off base with wanting that sort of thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need a hobby or some outdoor activities that can help you refresh your mind and calm your emotions.

I hike and do yoga, which helps with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am not bi-polar. I also have hobbies outside of the marriage. I am emotional sometimes but not all the time. I was just using the example that if I am talking to him about something important to me he doesn't respond in the convo, which makes me feel unheard. Even though I have my own hobbies and social like, I just would also like to be "friends" with DH. How busy my social like is ebbs and flows, I was just mentioning that when it's highly social DH feels lonely. But at the same time he doesn't hangout with me, and also is not big on hanging out in groups. I dunno I thought it was common for couples to watch movies together or have tv show they both enjoy, but maybe I am off base with wanting that sort of thing?

Of course that's common. But you're falling into the trap of finding 100% fault in him with no self-reflection.

Honestly, I was where you were two years ago. The divorce should be final next month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH doesn't meet my emotional needs at all. For example, when I'm upset he is not good at comforting me. If I talk to him about something important and really open up to him, he doesn't respond in the conversation. As in I talk, and then he is just silent with no acknowledgement or reflection on what I've just said. Also, there is a lack of camaraderie because we don't do much together as a couple, even something simple like watch tv. Because of this I don't feel close to him at all. Is this normal? I have talked to him about this a million times, and at this point it just makes him upset to discuss. I feel lonely in my marriage. Other than this DH is a good husband. He is a good provider and helps a lot with childrearing and chores. I try to supplement the lack of emotional connection I get from him with friendships, but I still really long for a partner who I can be closer to.

See, this right here may be the problem. You may be too emotionally high-strung, and he feels like he is walking on eggshells, so he has withdrawn.

He is your husband, not your therapist. Of course he should be appropriately responsive if you're emotional once in a while, but if you are emotional ALL THE TIME, he may be exhausted.

When I say a million times, I am morso saying it because it's something I've talked about our entire 10 year marriage. This is not a daily convo by any means, but one that hasn't been resolved over a long period of time and is reaching a boiling point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH doesn't meet my emotional needs at all. For example, when I'm upset he is not good at comforting me. If I talk to him about something important and really open up to him, he doesn't respond in the conversation. As in I talk, and then he is just silent with no acknowledgement or reflection on what I've just said. Also, there is a lack of camaraderie because we don't do much together as a couple, even something simple like watch tv. Because of this I don't feel close to him at all. Is this normal? I have talked to him about this a million times, and at this point it just makes him upset to discuss. I feel lonely in my marriage. Other than this DH is a good husband. He is a good provider and helps a lot with childrearing and chores. I try to supplement the lack of emotional connection I get from him with friendships, but I still really long for a partner who I can be closer to.

You’re not alone in this. Some people aren’t wired that way.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like my former H. Boy, am I glad that's over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like my former H. Boy, am I glad that's over.

Have you remarried? I sometimes consider divorce, but worry maybe it was me who was asking too much and I will just run into this in a later relationship. In which case I would have preferred to stay with DH as he is a good father.

[Anonymous]

Yup. I have things I have talked to my dh about over our 20 year marriage the he still doesn't get. I can verbally ask him not to do something. I can follow it up with a physical redirection. and yet ... I'm thinking the problem is me, letting him do this and being worried about his feelings when I redirect him ... Ug.