How to break the patterns/forge healthy family dynamics

[Anonymous]

Hi- this is kind of complicated and Id love to collect some helpful advice from you all. I grew up with parents who had troubled childhoods and I only saw grandparents on holidays/events, they werent a part of my day to day life. My dads father died when he was a young child and his mom didnt get along with my mom (and she had some mental health issues I think) so she was only around when I was a baby and then I really never saw her. My mom is a very complicated person and hated her mom and only saw her out of obligation and she had a very formal relationship with her dad, so we only saw him on holidays/events, as I mentioned.

So now here I am as a parent, I have two kids and when we first had our kids, we lived 6 hours from my mom (my dad died) and 3 hours from my inlaws. So, off the bat they were not overly involved grandparents other than visits to each other as often as possible, due to distance. Weve since moved and now live 1.5 hours from my inlaws and 2 hours from my mom. I see grandparents of kids from my kids school that seem so involved and I see relationships that my friends have with their parents that seem so strong and their kids have these string relationships with their grandparents too. Our kids love their grandparents and they love them so much too, but it doesnt really go beyond that. There is no day-to-day relationship, frequent visiting, babysitting, etc. I am worried that I am in some way continuing the pattern of unhealthy dynamics that I was exposed to my whole life.

My husband was basically raised by his grandparents so he had a very different experience than me in terms of the relationship with grandparents. I know theres only so much that could be done when we live in different states from them, but how can I change the patterns despite the distance and despite the fact that both of our moms have issues-- my mom is very depressive/negative (has been my whole life) and my mother in law is a weird person with no social skills- that could be a whole other post (for example though whenever she visits my sister in law, they get into blow out fights and she gets sent home early, etc). I want to break the patterns and have my kids grow up surrounded by healthy family relationships but have quite a bit working against me. I feel like Id be failing as a mother if I continued what was shown to me by my own mom.

Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

So much about dysfunction is about a lack of interpersonal boundaries, so read the book Boundaries, by Henry Cloud. Ideally both you and your spouse should take a good parenting class, so you can both be on the same page. Take a look at what’s offered by pepparent.org or ask your pediatrician for recommendations. Consider some individual therapy because you can only change what you’re aware of.

Your family will still be who they are. You can only control yourself, so don’t think that by your wanting to be a healthier person for your children, all else will fall into place. That doesn't mean that you shouldn’t try to improve yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP, given how you describe your mom and his mom, maybe the setup you have is just fine.

It doesn't sound like there's an actual problem, other than that reality isn't quite matching up with what you are hoping for. I'd say to focus on your existing community and try to forge deep connections there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So much about dysfunction is about a lack of interpersonal boundaries, so read the book Boundaries, by Henry Cloud. Ideally both you and your spouse should take a good parenting class, so you can both be on the same page. Take a look at what’s offered by pepparent.org or ask your pediatrician for recommendations. Consider some individual therapy because you can only change what you’re aware of.

Your family will still be who they are. You can only control yourself, so don’t think that by your wanting to be a healthier person for your children, all else will fall into place. That doesn't mean that you shouldn’t try to improve yourself.

Thanks. I am definitely healthy, I just didnt grow up with grandparents being a part of my life more than holidays/events. But I feel like most ppl I know, seem to have different experiences. So I guess I just dont want my kids to grow up feeling disconnected to their grandparents. They definitely dont but so many of their friends seem to have grandparents who are much more involved. Our moms dont seem the type to be like those other grandparents but I just want to make sure I do my part to foster the relationships as best I can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, given how you describe your mom and his mom, maybe the setup you have is just fine.

It doesn't sound like there's an actual problem, other than that reality isn't quite matching up with what you are hoping for. I'd say to focus on your existing community and try to forge deep connections there.

You are 100% right actually. There is no problem. I guess if my kids grandparents were the type to be more involved they would be. Its probably more of a personality thing more than anything. And we dont live local to each other so that part is what it is. You are right pp, there probably isnt much advice for me to collect! Maybe I just wish our family had stronger ties when it comes to the grandparent dynamics.

[Anonymous]

If you want to find a problem , you will find it. This thread is a great example of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want to find a problem , you will find it. This thread is a great example of that.

OP here, youre right! Our situation is probably totally ok and something made me worry about the grandparent/grandchild relationship not being close enough. But I should prob go by the saying "if its not broke, dont fix it!" Sorry to have made you all read my rambling post!

[Anonymous]

OP, I think it’s great that you are looking to break the pattern. The problem is that you can’t change anybody else but yourself. You can’t change either your parents or your in-laws, so you should start working toward become the grandparent you wish you and your children had. It may take a little therapy to help you understand a healthy dynamic and boundaries, but it sounds like your kids are still little so you have time to figure it out. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I would not want grandparents involvement if it's going to be unhealthy. As PP said, you can't change anyone else. Part of changing dynamics is having good boundaries and shielding children from toxicity.

And things aren't always as they seem. Happily involved grandparents on the outside, could be controlling/abusive, etc on the inside.

[Anonymous]

I highly recommend taking a good parenting course, if not several. That helped my parenting more than anything, and also showed me my own issues I have due to crappy parenting from my parents.

It is tough not having good grandparents. My own parents aren’t really interested in being grandparents- they can handle a few hours once or twice a year and that’s about it- and DH’s parents are so old that they can’t do much. I’ve chosen to focus on community and building healthy relationships with our community members.

[Anonymous]

I think you are getting good advice here.

my only suggestion might be to change the dynamic you probably have ot be the one who changes. So invite grandparents to come more - to be a part of special events or even non special events- assemblies at schools, sports events, dance recitals, whatever. Just invite them more often.

The other thing to do is visit grandparents more often. This could also mean having kids visit without you, if you'd be comfortable with that. The kids could spend a sat night there, for example, maybe once every 6 - 8 weeks or so, and depending on how that goes, increase it.