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Kids With Special Needs and Disabilities
I want a third...but am more nervous than ever about health problems..
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Anonymous
| My first DC is my SN child. After several trying years she is doing great overall and we are in a routine. My second DC is thankfully healthy. I really want a third but I can't stop worrying about the fear of having another sick child. I never ever thought about this when I was pregnant with my second, and I don't know why I can't get it out of my mind now. I know you are spinning the wheel anytime you have a child but I guess the truth is that I don't know if I could handle what we went through before. I really don't know if I could. But on the other hand, I'm so mad, angry that that fear would stop me from growing my family. I don't know what I'm asking for here I guess. Maybe someone who understands the conflict I'm feeling? |
Anonymous
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I wish I had helpful advice, but I don't. Do any of the pre-screening tests (amnio) catch the health issue your first has? Is it something that is hereditary, thus increased odds?
I am struggling with this myself and am leaning to just going for it but also strongly reflecting on lefe with just one and how bad would that really be. It wouldn't be so bad and on days I feel ok with the way things are, I don't feel the angst of not having another. But certain times, it pains me not to go for it. |
Anonymous
| is your first child's condition genetic in any way? because if it was just a random event, then i think you could safely try for a third. personally, i would be most worried abotu resources (money) if i had a child with any kind of medical or developmental issues. |
Anonymous
| No, my child's issue is not genetic in any way. But as we all know, once we enter the world of special needs you realize just how many weird things can go wrong. I look at families of four around me with four healthy kids and can't believe what a miracle it is. |
Anonymous
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OP, I would start to weigh how you would feel about really early testing and THEN how you would feel about learning you had an issue. Would you abort? Would you keep? I not saying right or wrong either way, but it may get you thinking about how ready you are. Two special needs children could tax your family on MANY levels, money, emotional resources, the "normal" child being pushed to the wayside.
Your DH should be a HUGE part of this discussion, since the burden will truly be shared among both of you, either way. It is unlikely anything will happen, but I would take a hard look at what you are ready to find out and act on. |
Anonymous
| You never know about those families with four healthy kids..... there is a lot we don't see about others lives. |
Anonymous
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OP, I am the mother of two special needs children. My son is autistic and my daughter too young to get an official diagnosis (she's 3) but she likely will get an ADHD/auditory processing diagnosis later in life. Both of them are in special ed classes.
We never thought that my daughter was going to develop problems, she was right on track and the sweetest child until she was about 19 months old. It was very easy with her and I was truly relieved. Then out of the blue came the issues that at times left us isolated and had me run two kids to therapy. She is now in preschool and I am hoping that she will follow in her brother's footsteps and make progress. I think one of the hardest things about having two special needs kids for me was to find someone who could watch them when something happened. That was typically my husband or high-paid babysitters with special needs experience. Now that they are both in school I feel a little better about it. Part of me sometimes wishes for a 3rd child but I know that it wouldn't work for me mentally and physically. Carrying my children after all of those horrific tantrums has definitely taken its toll on my back. (and I am barely 30) There have been many many moments when I felt like a complete failure as a mother, lots of doubts and anxiety about how my children would progress. Once we started seeking help from professionals (therapists, teachers, doctors) things got much better and by understanding who my children are I was much better able to help them. So even if I had a third child that was healthy it would be very difficult for me to get everyones needs met, let alone my own. I have spent the last 5 years exclusively taking care of my children and it has definitely impacted my own career, my self-esteem at times and my ability to focus on things not related to my children. I am happy that we made it through this times and that they are now in a safe and nurturing place where I can go and seek advice about how to provide them with the best care. I try as much as I can to let them just be children by taking them to playgrounds, letting them run around and play with them as though they didn't have special needs, because they have to work extra hard to fit in with their peers and to reach their milestones. Sorry for the long post, OP. I think what I am trying to say is that even if your 1st child's condition is not hereditary there is always a chance to end up having two special needs children. It is by no means the end of the world, for me it has taught me so much about humans and about myself. (I was the most impatient person, at times ignorant and intolerant, which I am now ashamed of but happy that they taught me to be more embracing) My children love me very much even if they can't always show me that and even if at times they seem unhappy, and I am thankful for that. But as one PP noted, it does take its toll on a relationship, financial stability and it is very demanding to juggle two. It really is a personal decision in the end. |
Anonymous
| My 1st DC is SN, and I have 2 others who are completely normal/typically-developing. It's a huge relief to me that DC1 has siblings to play with and model "normal" behavior. It's also a relief to know that there will be family after my husband and I are gone. Not that I had them to support DC1 and not be individuals in their own right, but it's helpful and comforting to have siblings. |
Anonymous
Can I ask if it was hard for you to think about having more? Or did you just know that you would accept whatever you were blssed with? |
Anonymous
I don't mind you asking. Everybody's state of mind is different, and for me my state of mind was different with each subsequent pregnancy. I don't want you to feel badly if yours is different from mine. I sort of had a sense that DC1 wasn't developing completely normally, but I didn't really understand the extent of the special needs until I was already pregnant with #2. They are pretty close in age (18 months). I did know when I got pregnant with #3 however, but it never weighed on me very heavily. I guess for one thing I just didn't feel that my family was complete and really wanted 3 children. Also, I had a sense that #1 was just a different break, but the odds were still strongly in favor of another child being typical. I did have CVS's at 11 weeks, but that was because of my age and in any case DC1's issues wouldn't have shown up on a CVS. And this may sound stupid, but after worrying so much about #1, I found #2 so easy that I thought "I can handle this" even though the next one was also 18 months later. (Now, I can tell you that once the children outnumber the adults in house keeping everyone in line is sometimes a challenge, but I'm pretty sure that would be the case even if all 3 were completely typical.) I suppose the bottom line is that I just felt really strongly optimistic. I'm really, really glad we did, #3 is the easiest of the lot (maybe because I'm a more patient and experienced parent?). I'm certainly not going to try to sway you one way or the other though, this is a very personal decision. I just thought you might want to hear someone else's story. My heart goes out to you. Feel free to ask me any other questions. |
Anonymous
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P.S. I know some people will disapprove of this, but if the CVS had revealed something unusual I think I would have terminated the pregnancy.
Maybe that sounds contradictory. To me it would have been one thing to have a baby I expected to be "typical" and had already fallen in love with before I realized that was not to be; and it would be completely different to know in advance that I was about to get into something I probably couldn't handle - given the children I already have. |
Anonymous
| I really appreciate your input! And I absolutely do not disapprove of the CVS decision. If I go forward with this and am lucky enough to get pregnant again this will be the first pregnancy where I will have a CVS. I would have to know in advance this go around if possible and I think I would go along with your line of thinking as well. Your note is really uplifting to me. I so appreciate your honesty. |
Anonymous
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I understand exactly how you feel, OP. My first child is SN, my second is not and, while I desperately wanted a third, I kept thinking that I must be crazy. Still, I went on to do it and don't regret my decision for a second. My third is not SN and my first child has progressed far far beyond expectations of the professionals (though still SN).
I have no advice on how to come to terms with the conflicted feelings. For me, I just felt that I would grow old being sorry I didn't try for a third. If I tried and it didn't happen, I would have been at peace because then I would have known it wasn't meant to be for us. But, as strong as my feelings and dreams were, I would have regretted not trying at all. And, I feel so incredibly lucky that my third is not SN and that my first has exceeded the expectations of all. |
Anonymous
I'm glad OP. Good luck whatever you choose to do. You're putting a lot of thought and self-examination into this, I'm sure you'll make the best decision. |
Anonymous
| I have two typically developing children and worry about this too. I just turned 38 and don't want to push it since we have been so lucky already. I worry about the possibility of miscarriage as well, which would be devastating to me. I will probably risk it and hope for the best, but haven't totally decided. Good luck to you |