Best advice (and books) for having two at just two?

[Anonymous]

I’m suddenly petrified of having my second child as my first will have just turned two-years-old. I’m 41 so it’s not like I could have spaced them out more and this second baby is very wanted.

I SAH. My DS won’t start school for at least a year after #2 is born and then only two hours in the afternoon. Putting him in daycare or longer preschool is not an option. My mom will help for the first four months but then she’ll have to leave. DH is great (does all cooking and most cleaning) but works long hours.

Any advice is welcome (except putting DS is daycare). Any book suggestions too.

Thank you. I’m hormonal and suddenly freaked!

[Anonymous]

The books that I really love are the Ames and Ilg Series. They are quick, easy reads. They are older books and a bit dated in terms of 'roles' (assumptions that mom is home, dad is at work, etc.) However, I found the child development piece right on. I think having a second before the oldest reaches 3.5 is a very good idea, as that was the absolutely worst parenting period for both my kids. Good luck, and have fun.

[Anonymous]

1. Potty train your older child before the new baby is born.

2. Establish “dates” with first child before baby comes and keep them after baby is born (like Dad takes older child out for pancakes every Saturday morning or Mom takes older child to a music class on Sundays).

3. I love Siblings Without Rivalry.

4. Wear the new baby as much as possible.

It’s hard but gets so much easier when the kids are older. My 2 and 4 yr old can play together alone for hours now and love each other so much!

[Anonymous]

Yes the Ames books are fantastic. Your Two Year, Your Three Year Old, etc.

Best advice I got was to make the older child part of taking care of the baby. Baby crying and two year old crying because trying to put on his shoes: Help the 2 yr old FIRST while saying, "let's hurry so we can take care of baby." Also, giving the older child a job related to the baby. My ds was 3 but his job was to give us a diaper when we changed the baby. The diapers were right under the changing table but he was very proud of this job. He would get one out of the bin and hand it to us.

Finally we did the whole 'baby gives a gift to older sibling when born' thing at the hospital. When ods first met yds, we were like - the baby brought you this present. It is just part of our family story now and my ods was like 11 when he said, "I don't know how he gave me a present when he was a new baby. I never figured that out." lol Basically implying he knew it was us. I picked out something that I knew we would keep forever because of course it is sentimental. We did a few schleich horses. I feel like this set them off on the right foot.

My kids don't fight and haven't really ever fought with each other. Now they are a teen and tween and they bicker a little but that is it.

GL

[Anonymous]

Exactly two years apart is a perfect gap! Yeah, it’s hard in the beginning but so great for the siblings.

I echo the advice above, especially about setting sacrosanct “dates” with the older child. I also would talk to the baby and tell her, so that older child would hear, “I can’t pick you up right now, Baby, I’m playing with Larlo”. It evened out how often I had to tend to the baby.

[Anonymous]

It'll be hell for three years. Then everyone will be out of diapers and able to talk and express themselves and it will be awesome.

[Anonymous]

It truly is the best possible gap between siblings. 2 to 2.5 years is best for the kids, if I remember correctly.

But it’s hard on the parents! Hang in there and reap the rewards later. My sister and I are two years apart exactly and would play together for hours and hours without bugging my mother. We’re still best friends.

[Anonymous]

Is daycare not an option due to cost? If not because of cost, I would consider a part time baby sitter. It’s so hard with two that little and staying at home. Being on mat leave and sending older kid to daycare while being home w a baby was hard enough. It’s a great age gap in that they looove each other but it is really hard. It will be worth it but those first 6 mos were a grind

[Anonymous]

Look, it’s just hard. But you’ll get through it and it’ll be great! Every time it feels hard to have 2, just imagine how hard it would be to have 4 or 6 kids. Then two is a piece of cake!

My only advice—don’t be afraid to ask for help.

[Anonymous]

I work from home with a very flexible schedule and a fantastic nanny and the first year was still hard.

But so worth it!! They love each other so much and no one can make the little one laugh like his big brother.

[Anonymous]

This post is so useful to me - I'm almost 11 weeks along with #2 and my son will be 22 months when this one is born. I'm nervous but like OP, I'm also 41 and so grateful that I may get to be a mom of two at my age. Thanks everyone for the great tips so far!

[Anonymous]

It is a really perfect gap and the kids really are friends, OP. It's hard in the beginning but worth it.

[Anonymous]

We worked at getting DC 1 as independent and autonomous as possible (potty trained, completely self-feeding, solitary play) so that as little as possible would hinge on my immediate availability. I think it really helped. Also, like above, engaged my older child in helping with the baby. We got into a routine of whenever I nursed the baby, older kid would bring books and I’d read to him - which was good for the baby too and made her less drowsy.

But it is hard. No question about that. Those breaks you get with just one disappear completely. Organization is key. It’s so much harder to get two into the car if you run out of milk or diapers and takes forever so you need to stay on top of supplies.

“The days go slow but the years go fast.”

[Anonymous]

Really great suggestions here! Thanks!!

[Anonymous]

Baby wearing. Embrace TV. When your toddler is driving you insane (I mean truly insane, in a way you might not be familiar with yet), try your best to put yourself in her shoes and remember how hard this is for her. Make a meal plan of easy meals.