Do you tell another child’s parent if his/her kid acted mean and hurtful?

[Anonymous]

I’m not close to these parents, but their child was downright rude to my kid. I’m inclined not to say anything, but wonder what others have done in the past.

[Anonymous]

no

[Anonymous]

No. This is a situation where you have to first analyze what you think you are trying to achieve by telling the parent, and weigh if it is worth it to either stress out (for the average concerned parent) or anger (for defensive arenas) the other parent.

Three possibilities:

1. The bad behavior is part of a pattern, so the parent is aware and concerned and already working on it. You telling them will not change how hard they’re trying to fix the problem.

2. The bad behavior is part of a pattern, so the parent is aware but doesn’t care. You telling them will not change that they’re not trying to fix the problem.

3. The bad behavior is a one off. You telling them is unlikely to change anything since there’s likely nothing to fix. Then give the kid and parent a break and don’t escalate and make things weird.

Point is, you’re not going to help or fix anything by telling in any of these scenarios. Let it go.

[Anonymous]

I don’t. But I don’t come across it often, too.
About the only time the parent was there and didn’t care.
However if someone told me, I would apologize and talk to my kid. He is a kind child, but can be weird sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Not without a lot more information about age of kids, type of rudeness, etc. All kids are rude sometimes. Most rudeness is not intentional. You are the adult, you choose how to respond.

[Anonymous]

You can do this if you want to look like a whiny weasel and be a social pariah. They’re kids, lady. They have to figure this stuff out, that’s called human development

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not close to these parents, but their child was downright rude to my kid. I’m inclined not to say anything, but wonder what others have done in the past.

It would depend on the situation. If it was a kid I don't know and don't spend time with, probably not. I would simply not set up other activities with the kid and encourage my child to avoid that kid at the park/recess.

If it is a kid who I know and whose family I know I would probably say something. Most of the kids we have over or hang out with are pretty well behaved and good kids. They all have their moments but if there was something that happened that bothered me, I would see it as out of the norm and let the parent know that something seems to be up.

We walk home with a couple of other kids. The parents take turns picking up and dropping off. I know their normal behavior during the walk and will occasionally need to remind them that potty humor is not appreciated or that they need to keep their hands to themselves. Nothing serious. But when one of the kids starts being more physical then the norm, a slight push to get past a kid, or hanging back and lagging instead of running ahead, I'll text the parents to let them know that something seems to be up. More a "X is out of sorts, he was shoving Y and being moody." or "Z was hanging back with me instead of goofing off with A. Don't know if something is up." Normally the kid who was hanging back ends up sick and misses the next day.

The kids all play well together, 99% of the time, so when something happens it stands out.

[Anonymous]

On your watch: you deal with it right there and then, by parenting the other kid. No need to tell the parent.

If you're hearing a report from your child but were not present: you give them verbal tools to push back, and if it continues, you tell the teacher (if at school) or the adult in charge (if elsewhere, could be the parent).

[Anonymous]

I have not done this, but there is one situation I kind of regret where the child was mean and rude to us, not to my child. We stopped arranging playdates and encouraged our child to spend time with others. I think the other parents probably wondered why and perhaps I should have said something, but wasn't brave enough to say that their child called us names to our faces over dinner and tried to blame our child (and was otherwise just kind of awful in terms of rudeness to us during an entire visit). They moved to another school so it eventually resolved itself. During playdates, I will comment or redirect though if I think the children are using language we don't permit in our home or are gossipy/mean about other children who aren't present.

[Anonymous]

What was the context? Was he over for a play date?

I wouldn’t say anything. You aren’t close with the parents which probably means you don’t see this child often. I would let it go and wait a while before inviting him over again, if it was a play date. Your child may move on to different friendships or this child may have improvements in behavior as he matures and time passes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can do this if you want to look like a whiny weasel and be a social pariah. They’re kids, lady. They have to figure this stuff out, that’s called human development

Hey OP, here's the parent of the rude kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can do this if you want to look like a whiny weasel and be a social pariah. They’re kids, lady. They have to figure this stuff out, that’s called human development

Of course the reality is nuanced than this. And of course kids don't figure everything out on their own. OP it depends on age and situation.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the feedback. I am not going to say anything. I just remember reading Carolyn Hax's advice column once saying you should say something to the parent. I think it would be incredibly awkward. Kid repeatedly made fun of my child and said another friend hated him several times. He didn't stop until I said for the second time this was mean and to stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
On your watch: you deal with it right there and then, by parenting the other kid. No need to tell the parent.

If you're hearing a report from your child but were not present: you give them verbal tools to push back, and if it continues, you tell the teacher (if at school) or the adult in charge (if elsewhere, could be the parent).

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the feedback. I am not going to say anything. I just remember reading Carolyn Hax's advice column once saying you should say something to the parent. I think it would be incredibly awkward. Kid repeatedly made fun of my child and said another friend hated him several times. He didn't stop until I said for the second time this was mean and to stop.

Dude. I would. And in correcting the child I would tell the child I was going to tell his mother. Then I would text the mother and tell her for her situational awareness that her child was taunting other children and I hope you don't mind but I shut it down. I'd absolutely want to know if my kid was being a jerk.