Teen son questioning gender

[Anonymous]

Long post, sorry. Had to get all this out.

My 14-year old told me right before Christmas that he wished he was a girl. DS was diagnosed with developmental delays at age 4, and then autism at age 8. He is very bright and articulate, but has severe attention challenges, and some social challenges. He is in regular classes, no self-contained. He is advanced in some classes. To say this was surprising is an understatement. The way this came out was that DS was up in his room on his phone (we only allow phones downstairs in our house). I asked why he was upstairs on his phone, and he got visibly upset. I asked to see his phone, and he got even more upset. I put the phone down, and asked him to tell me what he was so worried I would see. I asked a bunch of questions such as

"Were you looking at naked pictures or videos"- no
"Was there something you worry I might find offensive on there?" - no
"Were you communicating with a girl?" - no
"Do you think you are attracted to boys?"- no I only like girls.

At that point I was totally unsure of what was going on and he blurted out "Sometimes I wish I was a girl". I asked if he could show me what he was looking at online, and he did, it was a bra catalog of sorts.

Since then, I have had a numerous conversations with him, some just me, and some with DH. Lots of what he says seems to be him literally parroting a definition of gender dysphoria from wikipedia (he showed me the wikipedia page to tell me what he thinks he has). I asked what he wanted to do, and he said nothing now. He tries to end conversations as soon as they begin, but that is not unusual for him. Reciprocal conversations are not a strength.

It turns out that he also had a secret instagram, something he knew was not allowed. We did not feel that he was socially savvy enough to navigate social media. My first instinct was to take the phone, or at least shut of instagram, but I also did not want him to feel he was being punished for confiding in DH and I. DH and I relented told him we would leave it, but set up a ton of new time restrictions on his phone, and blocked use of discord, and reddit. He begged to keep the instagram account, said it was the only way he and his friends communicated. At first, with the time limits, he was hitting his limit early, but I have seen a big drop in his usage since then. I told him I could look at his phone and anything on it at anytime. He does seem to be communicating with a few trans classmates, who are very much telling him when he asks questions "yes, you must be trans" or "they just don't understand you". When I asked questions, he said it felt like I was just trying to find any reason it is not true. At the same time, he was writing things like "my brother is going to college soon, so I don't think my parents will have money to buy me new clothes, so it might be a long time before I can try girl things". Mind you, he has a sister, but it was as if he was making excuses to the few friends he confided in (some trans, some not) why he could not. It seemed like doubt to me. He has expressed time and again that he only is attracted to girls, saying "I am not gay"

DH and I have been researching therapists to get him in to speak with someone, and feel we ourselves need to see someone. DS has literally never in his whole life before this expressed any interest in anything regarding being a girl, doing anything like a girl. He has a sister (22 months younger than him) and a brother (almost 4 years older than him) and connects much more strongly with his brother. He told friends who asked he did not want to be called by different pronouns, or anything else...yet. He did not tell his siblings, but his trans friends (communicating through instagram, but school friends) told him he should so they could band together to convince us it is true. I have told him I understand he might have gender dysphoria, or that he might be transgender, but that it might be something else too we have to work through. DH and I have stressed that we love him no matter what we figure out, and that we just want him to see an expert, and not rely on the internet, or other teens to tell him what he "is" or "has".

This feels more complicated because he has autism. Due to his autism, he always has one intense interest. It has changed over the years, dinosaurs, minecraft, Egypt, Pokemon. When I say intense, I mean, you cannot have a conversation with him about anything other than his fixation, you ask him a question, he will turn in back to his interest. I worry some that he got sucked down some internet rabbit hole, and found this supportive community and felt human connection, something that is hard for him due to his autism. When I asked him to describe what he was feeling, he never could give me any concrete answer, just kept parroting a gender dysphoria definition, and "see mom, it says right here that with rapid-onset gender dysphoria there are often no signs in childhood"

We love him very much, and want to support him, but also are afraid of going somewhere, and having them just affirm without really digging deep into what is going on. I hope that does not come across as not supportive, ultimately, DH and I will do what is best for him, no matter how hard it is.

Honestly, I just needed to vent. I have no idea where this is going. Any support or advice is welcome. Also, therapist recommendations are welcome, especially for someone well versed in autism and gender issues.

[Anonymous]

I am a heterosexual CIS gender woman, so take what I say with a grain of salt. My dd has ASD (what was previously considered Aspergers), and recently she came to me and told me that sometimes she doesn’t feel like a girl or a boy. I assured her that, since she’s only 12, it’s normal to have questions about who you are and how you fit in. I told her that she should just be who she is and her father and I will support her, however she identifies. I told her that nothing is written in stone and she can identify however she wants, even if it changes over time. She was relieved to hear that. She told me that she sometimes wonders if she’s pretty enough as a girl, so maybe being non-binary would take that off the table. I asked if she would like to change her appearance, and she literally replied, “Why? I look fine.” So, in short, there’s nothing masculine about her and she doesn’t want to change anything.

The next day she confided in me that she’d had a dream about kissing a girl, but she’s always had crushes on boys, so she thought she might be bisexual. Again, I assured her that she should just be herself and that her orientation makes no difference to us as her parents, but that at 12, no one expects her to have everything figured out. I told her that dreams are sometimes a mixed up jumble of lots of things running through our heads and that to know her true feelings, she needs to pay close attention to her feelings when she’s awake. Later that same day, she came to me and told me that she’d read about an effort for people with mental illness to reclaim offensive words, like “crazy” or “psycho.” (My dd has been diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety, as well as ASD.) I found it interesting that she was coming to me with these separate issues all at once. I think she feels different from other kids and is hoping to be embraced by others who feel marginalized.

I brought up your post with her to hear her thoughts. She said that it doesn’t sound like your ds is ready to make any changes and probably isn’t transgender, so he should take it slow and start out by being an advocate for the LGBTQ+ community. She said allies are very important, so he should embrace being an ally and see if that’s the right role for him. I was surprised that that was her take on it.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone. I want to support my dd in her true identity - whatever that may be - but I have seen no evidence that suggests anything other than she’s trying on different identities to see how she fits in and test how accepting we are. She will have to figure this out for herself. My role is just to support and love her.

[Anonymous]

Side question: how is taking away his phone when he violated a rule about Instagram punishing him for being honest? It’s punishing him for doing something you told him not to do!

[Anonymous]

Initial research seems to be showing that there is a connection between autism and gender variance. In your situation, I would look for a psychologist specializing in kids with ASD and then ask them what their experience is with kids and gender-for most they have probably seen a lot of kids who are trying to figure out gender stuff. I know someone great in my area, but am not in DMV any longer so I don't have recs for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a heterosexual CIS gender woman, so take what I say with a grain of salt. My dd has ASD (what was previously considered Aspergers), and recently she came to me and told me that sometimes she doesn’t feel like a girl or a boy. I assured her that, since she’s only 12, it’s normal to have questions about who you are and how you fit in. I told her that she should just be who she is and her father and I will support her, however she identifies. I told her that nothing is written in stone and she can identify however she wants, even if it changes over time. She was relieved to hear that. She told me that she sometimes wonders if she’s pretty enough as a girl, so maybe being non-binary would take that off the table. I asked if she would like to change her appearance, and she literally replied, “Why? I look fine.” So, in short, there’s nothing masculine about her and she doesn’t want to change anything.

The next day she confided in me that she’d had a dream about kissing a girl, but she’s always had crushes on boys, so she thought she might be bisexual. Again, I assured her that she should just be herself and that her orientation makes no difference to us as her parents, but that at 12, no one expects her to have everything figured out. I told her that dreams are sometimes a mixed up jumble of lots of things running through our heads and that to know her true feelings, she needs to pay close attention to her feelings when she’s awake. Later that same day, she came to me and told me that she’d read about an effort for people with mental illness to reclaim offensive words, like “crazy” or “psycho.” (My dd has been diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety, as well as ASD.) I found it interesting that she was coming to me with these separate issues all at once. I think she feels different from other kids and is hoping to be embraced by others who feel marginalized.

I brought up your post with her to hear her thoughts. She said that it doesn’t sound like your ds is ready to make any changes and probably isn’t transgender, so he should take it slow and start out by being an advocate for the LGBTQ+ community. She said allies are very important, so he should embrace being an ally and see if that’s the right role for him. I was surprised that that was her take on it.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone. I want to support my dd in her true identity - whatever that may be - but I have seen no evidence that suggests anything other than she’s trying on different identities to see how she fits in and test how accepting we are. She will have to figure this out for herself. My role is just to support and love her.

. Thank you very much for the detailed and insightful reply. So much to ponder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Side question: how is taking away his phone when he violated a rule about Instagram punishing him for being honest? It’s punishing him for doing something you told him not to do!

. That thought has crossed my mind many times. My biggest reason is that right now, reading through texts, messages etc is my only window into what is going on since DS is not readily able to communicate things.

[Anonymous]

I would let him call himself/identify however he wants, but I would not permit any medical intervention while he was a minor. I would also find a therapist who specializes in autistic teens, and be very, very cautious about therapists who push transition for kids as opposed to watchful waiting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Initial research seems to be showing that there is a connection between autism and gender variance. In your situation, I would look for a psychologist specializing in kids with ASD and then ask them what their experience is with kids and gender-for most they have probably seen a lot of kids who are trying to figure out gender stuff. I know someone great in my area, but am not in DMV any longer so I don't have recs for you.

My view is that kids with autism (or really, people who are unconventional in any way) are more likely to question societal gender roles and feel they don’t fit in, particularly if they are also gay or lesbian. That doesn’t mean they have a different gender necessarily - it means they don’t subscribe to gender roles. I talk to my DS with autism all the time about gender stereotypes and how there aren’t boy/girl things, boys can like “girl” stuff, etc. I would feel differently if it were a case of a child who has always insisted that they were the opposite sex from a young age.

[Anonymous]

I have no practical advice to offer, OP, but I want to say that I am deeply impressed with how you are handling this. I'm sure it's difficult and puzzling, but you clearly are operating from the heart. I'm sure your DS feels that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Initial research seems to be showing that there is a connection between autism and gender variance. In your situation, I would look for a psychologist specializing in kids with ASD and then ask them what their experience is with kids and gender-for most they have probably seen a lot of kids who are trying to figure out gender stuff. I know someone great in my area, but am not in DMV any longer so I don't have recs for you.

My view is that kids with autism (or really, people who are unconventional in any way) are more likely to question societal gender roles and feel they don’t fit in, particularly if they are also gay or lesbian. That doesn’t mean they have a different gender necessarily - it means they don’t subscribe to gender roles. I talk to my DS with autism all the time about gender stereotypes and how there aren’t boy/girl things, boys can like “girl” stuff, etc. I would feel differently if it were a case of a child who has always insisted that they were the opposite sex from a young age.

I'm the pp. I think what you are saying makes sense AND ALSO, I think there is a lot of space between definitely cis but rejecting gender stereotypes or definitely trans. I used gender variance not as a synonym for trans but as away to get at the many ways people can think of gender including being binary, having different gender identities at different times in life, not connecting to any of the currently popular gender categories, or having a trans or cis identity but enjoying a variety of gender presentations

[Anonymous]

OP, my child came out as gay at 14. At 16, he told us he was trans. She now uses she/her/hers pronouns and a female name at school. But she hasn’t really made much effort to transition physically. She still dresses in male clothing. We have chosen to fully support her while she works to figure this out. We try to use her preferred pronouns and name. She sees a therapist and a psychiatrist. She has agreed to hold off on medical intervention until she is 18. And she acknowledges that she is struggling to understand her gender dysphoria.

The best thing you can do is demonstrate absolute unconditional love and support. Work closely with a therapist and your pediatrician. It’s really, really hard stuff. ((hugs))

[Anonymous]

caatonline.com is a practice that specializes in autistic teens. For you and DH, try Robin Brannan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Initial research seems to be showing that there is a connection between autism and gender variance. In your situation, I would look for a psychologist specializing in kids with ASD and then ask them what their experience is with kids and gender-for most they have probably seen a lot of kids who are trying to figure out gender stuff. I know someone great in my area, but am not in DMV any longer so I don't have recs for you.

My view is that kids with autism (or really, people who are unconventional in any way) are more likely to question societal gender roles and feel they don’t fit in, particularly if they are also gay or lesbian. That doesn’t mean they have a different gender necessarily - it means they don’t subscribe to gender roles. I talk to my DS with autism all the time about gender stereotypes and how there aren’t boy/girl things, boys can like “girl” stuff, etc. I would feel differently if it were a case of a child who has always insisted that they were the opposite sex from a young age.

I'm the pp. I think what you are saying makes sense AND ALSO, I think there is a lot of space between definitely cis but rejecting gender stereotypes or definitely trans. I used gender variance not as a synonym for trans but as away to get at the many ways people can think of gender including being binary, having different gender identities at different times in life, not connecting to any of the currently popular gender categories, or having a trans or cis identity but enjoying a variety of gender presentations

I'm saying something different, which is that gender is societally imposed. Anyone can chose to reject gender roles, yet still be fine with their sex. I hated pink and dresses etc as a kid but never had an issue with being a girl/woman.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is my DS too. Children’s National has a practice devoted to autism & LGBTQ specifically. Autistic kids generally see things as absolutes and are very uncomfortable with grey areas. So it’s possible your DS may fall anywhere on the gender spectrum even though he believes he must pick one or the other. I.e., “I’m not a typical boy, therefore I must be a girl” kind of thing. Make sure to find the right experts who will help him work through this keeping in mind his autism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is my DS too. Children’s National has a practice devoted to autism & LGBTQ specifically. Autistic kids generally see things as absolutes and are very uncomfortable with grey areas. So it’s possible your DS may fall anywhere on the gender spectrum even though he believes he must pick one or the other. I.e., “I’m not a typical boy, therefore I must be a girl” kind of thing. Make sure to find the right experts who will help him work through this keeping in mind his autism.

. OP here. Thank you all for the perspectives. It really helps to know others have gone through this. PP, your post sums it up exactly. He does not seem to be really convinced, and can't really give me any concrete examples of how he feels, but yet when I question him very kindly, he gets very defensive and says "I just am". That being said, he keeps saying maybe the summer after next summer I might think about doing something with regard to trying other clothing. He said I know my brother is starting college next year so we won't have money for a lot of new clothes. It's like he is making up a reason why he doesn't need to do anything for a while. I am totally OK with that. It's time to really figure out what's going on.