ODD upset about YDD taking too much attention away
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Anonymous
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I have 2 girls, one is 6.5 and the other just turned one. I was pleasantly surprised at first that my older one didn’t show many signs of jealousy when her sister was born. Maybe it was the honeymoon phase or maybe it was that I spent a ton of time with her when I was on maternity leave, but for the past month ODD has been acting out and upset over the fact that she feels like the younger one gets more attention. Now that YDD is walking she does get more attention when she’s awake because she needs to be watched like a hawk since she gets into everything. It doesn’t help that both girls are mommy’s girls and only want me when I am around.
I try to spend as much time as I can with ODD - she goes to bed an hour after the baby so I play with her then as well as when the baby is napping. But it never seems to be enough and she only seems to focus on the times I can’t give her all my attention. Because DD loves to play with things with small parts and the baby can’t be around that I have to keep them separate if that is what DD wants to play (she is currently obsessed with Playmobil and has a whole city set up and I can’t let the baby near it). So, she ends up in the play room and I am in the baby’s room. I do plan special outings for just the 2 of us - going out to breakfast, to see a movie, go to a museum, etc. But, given that I work full time and long hours I need to make time for the baby too. I am sure it’s hard since she had me to herself for 5 years, but she seems so sad about it and I don’t want to do anything that could harm our relationship. Has anyone else been in this situation and have any tips for how best to manage the jealousy? |
Anonymous
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?
I get that one child has that defiance disorder but what is the other one? |
Anonymous
No disorders. Older and younger DDs. |
Anonymous
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We have two DDs seven years apart. It was great when YDD was really little and ODD liked playing with her. Once ODD became a teen and YDD got to be seven or eight it started to get really difficult.
They are both really attached to me and jealous of each other. Sometimes they are happy with each other but it rarely lasts more than a half hour before fighting starts again. This has been going on for years. At this point I just want them both to go to college and leave me in peace. |
Anonymous
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ODD and YDD? For Pete’s sake, is that really necessary?
As for your issue, you have two kids now. Yes, competition for your time and jealousy of each other will now be a part of life. |
Anonymous
| OP my girls are similar age gap and my older DD was exactly the same. Younger is now closing in on two and much more able to engage with the older and it has chilled out significantly. They play somewhat together, older can help and talk to younger now that she is talking and able to express herself. It also helps that as the younger gets into the “terrible twos” and drives me a little crazy sometimes, my older sees that younger isn’t “perfect.” Just keep doing what you’re doing and it will get better. |
Anonymous
In DCUM-land, older daughter is DD1 and younger daughter is DD2. Just fyi for you, OP. Comeon, PPs, let's try and help. I'm going back to read the post and then come up with something constructive. |
Anonymous
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I’d say definitely affirm DD1’s feelings, and tell her you look forward to whe it is a little easier for everyone to play together at the same time. Maybe try to proactively find things you can do with DD1 while DD2 is around (“I can’t play play Mobil with you right now, but how about a game of hide and seek?”).
My 6.5 yo is very into fairness, so if the one-on-one time actually is pretty even (which it sounds like it might be, at least on weekdays, assuming you are probably doing some cooking/chores after work in addition to playing with the toddler), can you show her that with a typical daily schedule? I think you’d need to be careful to do it in a way that wasn’t denying her feelings of missing you, but I think it can be done in a way that might make her feel better. After all, I’m sure you both wish there were more hours in the day for everyone to spend together. |
Anonymous
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1. DD1 is old enough to play alone while DD2 is awake. DD2 is only old enough for a few minutes solo at a time.
2. DD1 should be encouraged to play with DD2. 3. DD1 is more than old enough to understand that she is choosing something that forces you to go elsewhere. 4. DD2 NEEDS constant supervision, DD1 doesn’t. https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/852551.page https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/851564.page |
Anonymous
| Is there a way to partition the playroom so you can be with both girls but the playmobile stuff is inaccessible to the younger one? I'm thinking that you could build a space with gates for the older to play with playmobile and you and younger daughter are in the rest of the room, but you can all talk and see each other. |
Anonymous
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Just want to focus on your statement about making her play in the playroom alone while you're in the toddler's room. Why can't you put the toddler in a gated area of the playroom so that you're all in the same place? Or have your 6 year old play with her playmobil at the kitchen table while toddler is on the floor with her toys?
Based on that example, I 100% get why your 6 year old is so upset - in her mind you're basically banishing her so you can play with the younger child. You need to find a better solution than separating them, she feels abandoned. |
Anonymous
This. Older kids toys with tiny parts are either in her room or in a gated off area of the playroom. Little kid gets access to everything but the gated space and/or oldest kids room. |
Anonymous
In my mind, having her toys in her room would be banishing her. She’s choosing to play with it then, in a child-friendly (not completely toddler-friendly) area. OP takes her toddler to the toddler’s room. OP’s DD isn’t being banished, if anything she’s banishing OP and DD2. |