Breaking up is hard to do...with kids

[Anonymous]

I’m divorced and have been seeing a divorced man for the past three years. We each have one child, mine is 5, his is 10. Recently I have decided that this is not the relationship for me for a variety of reasons. Partner is a wonderful kind man, I just can’t see the relationship going beyond where it is. He has no idea and I know this will hurt him, but I can’t keep pretending that we have a future together. The challenge is navigating the breakup with the children (who have each been through a divorce before). Mine will be fine and was young enough to not remember the initial divorce, but I’m worried about his child who has become quite attached to us and still has emotional challenges stemming from the original divorce. I know there’s nothing I can do, just feels awful.

[Anonymous]

You've been seeing him for three years. How soon did your kids meet?

[Anonymous]

Break up with him, and offer to take his daughter out to hot chocolate just the two of you, and "break up" with her. Tell her she can reach out to you if she wants sometimes. Figure out what you're comfrotable with - meeting for hot chocolate once a month, sending a card at christmas, no contact at all ever? And make that clear to her.

If she asks but why don't you love my dad, refuse to tell her. "That's grownup stuff between your dad and me. Our breakup has NOTHING to do with you - you're FANTASTIC!"

[Anonymous]

It is awful. My parents divorced when I was six and my dad met a wonderful woman a year later. From seven to eleven-years-old, I spent weekends and vacations with my dad and his girlfriend and truly loved her. They broke up and I was never allowed to see her. I cannot tell you how much this hurt me.

The first thing I did when I got to college was call her and we’ve been in close contact ever since.

I implore you to stay in the kids lives and do not cut them out.

[Anonymous]

Your post makes no sense. Why have a child with a man you'd never marry. That is messy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is awful. My parents divorced when I was six and my dad met a wonderful woman a year later. From seven to eleven-years-old, I spent weekends and vacations with my dad and his girlfriend and truly loved her. They broke up and I was never allowed to see her. I cannot tell you how much this hurt me.

The first thing I did when I got to college was call her and we’ve been in close contact ever since.

I implore you to stay in the kids lives and do not cut them out.

+ 1 You created a bond with that other child and now you have an obligation to them, and also to your own DC. You need to keep doing things together as a group. Your relationship with your BF is not the kids' business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your post makes no sense. Why have a child with a man you'd never marry. That is messy.

OP meant each brought in a child into their relationship from prior relationships/marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your post makes no sense. Why have a child with a man you'd never marry. That is messy.

Read again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is awful. My parents divorced when I was six and my dad met a wonderful woman a year later. From seven to eleven-years-old, I spent weekends and vacations with my dad and his girlfriend and truly loved her. They broke up and I was never allowed to see her. I cannot tell you how much this hurt me.

The first thing I did when I got to college was call her and we’ve been in close contact ever since.

I implore you to stay in the kids lives and do not cut them out.

+ 1 You created a bond with that other child and now you have an obligation to them, and also to your own DC. You need to keep doing things together as a group. Your relationship with your BF is not the kids' business.

This is the reason why you don't create these intimate bonds with children that aren't yours. OP doesn't have an "obligation" to the ex's child. That's ridiculous. It's a lesson learned and she will have to suck it up and break up with both. It's a hard lesson and hopefully will help both parties understand the gravity of introducing people to their kids.

[Anonymous]

This is why as a divorced Mom, I don’t introduce my children to anyone I date. If eventually I am serious about someone enough to want to remarry, we will have that conversation along with the appropriate proposal and then they can meet my children. For now, I date without involving my children. As for your boyfriend’s daughter I’d broach with your soon to be Ex staying in touch with her.

[Anonymous]

I know a guy who dated a single mom and was a father figure to her daughter. They have been broken up for several years but he tries to see the girl, gets her gifts, etc. he cares deeply for the girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Break up with him, and offer to take his daughter out to hot chocolate just the two of you, and "break up" with her. Tell her she can reach out to you if she wants sometimes. Figure out what you're comfrotable with - meeting for hot chocolate once a month, sending a card at christmas, no contact at all ever? And make that clear to her.

If she asks but why don't you love my dad, refuse to tell her. "That's grownup stuff between your dad and me. Our breakup has NOTHING to do with you - you're FANTASTIC!"

What is this - a script for a soap opera?

[Anonymous]

Kids of divorced parents are used to adults coming and going, their parents broke up, why would it be such a big deal if their dad/mom’s significant other checked out too?

[Anonymous]

It is hard but not uncommon. There are millions of adults who grew up in divorced homes with other men / women in and out of their lives as their parents dated. it is one of the realities of divorce. After a couple guys, your child will learn to not really get attached to the guy or other kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Break up with him, and offer to take his daughter out to hot chocolate just the two of you, and "break up" with her. Tell her she can reach out to you if she wants sometimes. Figure out what you're comfrotable with - meeting for hot chocolate once a month, sending a card at christmas, no contact at all ever? And make that clear to her.

If she asks but why don't you love my dad, refuse to tell her. "That's grownup stuff between your dad and me. Our breakup has NOTHING to do with you - you're FANTASTIC!"

What is this - a script for a soap opera?

Ssshhh, quiet, grownups are talking.