4yo constant lying - what is effective for correcting lying? Spilled drinks, pushing siblings etc..

[Anonymous]

It’s becoming a daily occurrence and to the point where it’s difficult to discern true events from false. From did you use the bathroom at school, this morning, before bed to spilling drinks and saying nothing spilled. We’ve been using discussions on why we don’t lie and also time out but DS is simply not taking away that he should not lie.

[Anonymous]

Don’t ask if they did or didn’t do X when you know he answer, it only encourages the lying. Just address the behavior directly.

[Anonymous]

Dealing with this too at 3.5

[Anonymous]

Lying is 100% developmentally normal for 3-4 year old. They just don't want to get into trouble. Like a PP said, address the behavior and not the denial.

Also, take a parenting class or read a book. Are you spanking your kid? Read the studies. Come on. Your kid is not gonna have a relationship with you if it goes on like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lying is 100% developmentally normal for 3-4 year old. They just don't want to get into trouble. Like a PP said, address the behavior and not the denial.

Also, take a parenting class or read a book. Are you spanking your kid? Read the studies. Come on. Your kid is not gonna have a relationship with you if it goes on like this.

Where did she say spanking?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t ask if they did or didn’t do X when you know he answer, it only encourages the lying. Just address the behavior directly.

Agree--don't ask questions you already know the answer to. Instead of asking if he went to bathroom before bed, just make it part of the bedtime routine and tell him it's time to use the bathroom. He says he already went? Okay, come and try anyway, see if you need to go again. When you say spilling drinks, does he just not tell you something spilled or do you see it spill and he denies that it happened? Lying by omission (not telling you when something spilled) isn't something I'd worry about. Instead, just focus on acknowledging that there was a spill and guiding him with the cleanup. If he denies that he did it, that's fine, but we're in a family and we all pitch in to clean up. Lying is totally developmental at his age. Accept it, and take away the advantage to lying, without judgment. If he lies, it usually won't put him in a better position--he still has to go to the bathroom, he still has to help clean up, etc.

Many adults don't understand why honesty is important (and some don't believe it is), so it understandable that young children struggle with the concept.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you do a lot of interrogating. Expect lying in that situation. Four is way too old to be asked Did you use the bathroom all day long. You are not going to get a reliable answer, OP.

If there's a spilled drink next to the kid, concentrate on getting buy-in on clean up. Don't create issues about honesty or confrontation.

You sound very, very angry and that's not an effective way to parent. Deal with the issue -- send him to the bathroom; give him paper towels to clean up. Praise him when he comes to you with issues (honesty and openness).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you do a lot of interrogating. Expect lying in that situation. Four is way too old to be asked Did you use the bathroom all day long. You are not going to get a reliable answer, OP.

If there's a spilled drink next to the kid, concentrate on getting buy-in on clean up. Don't create issues about honesty or confrontation.

You sound very, very angry and that's not an effective way to parent. Deal with the issue -- send him to the bathroom; give him paper towels to clean up. Praise him when he comes to you with issues (honesty and openness).

This is what I picked up on as well, because I had an interrogating mother. She also screamed a lot and used physical discipline. OP, if you're asking why a 4 year old lies, then you need to learn more about children and how to parent. Lying at this age is not a moral failing.

[Anonymous]

Literally all you have to do is google "children and lying" to get some helpful articles on this issue.

[Anonymous]

He fears punishment. Is that fair, given what you c hi pose as consequences? Be honest with yourself.

Also all four year olds are unreliable narrators, which is different than lying. He might well believe what he is saying but be wrong.

[Anonymous]

Blunt talk, OP: your child is not developmentally ready to distinguish between lies and truth. Stop setting him or her up to lie to you. You are writing a script with your behavior and it’s not a positive one.

[Anonymous]

Why are you policing him for pushing his siblings and spilling drinks? He sounds like your scapegoat child.

[Anonymous]

Oh my gosh so grateful for this thread, my newly four-year-old. Same boat!

[Anonymous]

Never ask a question of a preschooler when you know the answer and it deals with misbehavior. Never ask a question about misbehavior and expect an honest answer of any age child (older might surprise you).

What I do is reward initiative. “The milk spilled! Are we going to do [xyz 3 minute special thing] after we clean it up?” I do not reward if the child did it on purpose, and it usually only takes one time trying it on purpose to realize.

I also reward honesty. If a child tells me they misbehaved, were just going to talk about it and work on a strategy for next time. If I catch a lie, there’s a consequence as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s becoming a daily occurrence and to the point where it’s difficult to discern true events from false. From did you use the bathroom at school, this morning, before bed to spilling drinks and saying nothing spilled. We’ve been using discussions on why we don’t lie and also time out but DS is simply not taking away that he should not lie.

I agree with the others that say you need parenting classes. He wants to please, so he is going to tell you what you want to hear. Serious question - do you really need to know every time he uses the bathroom? If you want to make sure he goes before bed, just tell him to use the bathroom. He will either a)truthfully answer that he went or b)immediately wheel around and use the bathroom. When I did this when my kids were this age, I was AMAZED at how easily it worked.

Also - you know he spilled the drink. Why ask him if he did it or not? He is going to say he did not to avoid trouble. Just say, "Larlo, let's get some paper towels to clean this up."

I also agree with the PPs - you sound really angry about this. Not sure if you realize it (or care), but your anger is going to make your kid lie even more.