I suck I suck I suck

[Anonymous]

So what do you do when your kid tells you this.
I want to validate the feeling without agreeing with it.
This is generally in response to playing his sport, at which he is pretty good (and would be better if he practiced, but he doesn't want to.)

[Anonymous]

Wait, do you know my son??!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, do you know my son??!!

Do you also happen to be the parent of a pretty incredible kid who gets frustrated by not being perfect in his sport, but also does not put in too much extra effort to get better? If so, then YES, it's the same kid. It breaks my heart to see him so sad. He was crying, repeating "I suck" and "Mom, help me" over and over.

[Anonymous]

In a calm moment, when not in the "I suck" mode, make sure he understands that our thoughts shape our feelings, and if he gives in to the "I suck" self talk it will start a spiral of suckiness. He probably thinks it is a harmless venting of bad feelings, but every time he says "I suck" he is actually creating a little "I suck" circuit in his brain. He doesn't want that.

The other thing I've also done with my son is say it isn't okay to talk about himself in a way he wouldn't talk about a friend. So with baseball, when a friend messes up he says to him: "Its alright, you'll get the next guy out" or whatever. He can describe in words how he messed up and how it makes him feel, but he can't call himself names. We have had that conversation a few times during calm times, and then in the bad times when he is spiralling I can say "Hey. Treat yourself as you would treat a friend," and he knows what I mean and can get a hold of himself.

[Anonymous]

I have the same problem with DS and his guitar.
Thinks he is no good (not true).
Still hates to practice, has to be forced to do so.

So frustrating!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, do you know my son??!!

Do you also happen to be the parent of a pretty incredible kid who gets frustrated by not being perfect in his sport, but also does not put in too much extra effort to get better? If so, then YES, it's the same kid. It breaks my heart to see him so sad. He was crying, repeating "I suck" and "Mom, help me" over and over.

Ummm . . . you DO know my son. We have the same kid. And I feel your pain. He is talented and amazing and absolutely his own worst enemy. Does he like video games by any chance?

[Anonymous]

Explain that not everyone is great at everything. Then point out something he is really good at in the sport, and something someone else is good in.

Then explain that while some people are naturally talented, even those people need to practice to be great.

[Anonymous]

You don't do anything.

Let him vent. Say sorry you feel that way and move on.

You don't have the knowledge or skills or correct vantage point to know if he sucks or not.

[Anonymous]

Everybody sucks.
I suck
You suck
We all suck

Just let him vent. You don't have to fix this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In a calm moment, when not in the "I suck" mode, make sure he understands that our thoughts shape our feelings, and if he gives in to the "I suck" self talk it will start a spiral of suckiness. He probably thinks it is a harmless venting of bad feelings, but every time he says "I suck" he is actually creating a little "I suck" circuit in his brain. He doesn't want that.

The other thing I've also done with my son is say it isn't okay to talk about himself in a way he wouldn't talk about a friend. So with baseball, when a friend messes up he says to him: "Its alright, you'll get the next guy out" or whatever. He can describe in words how he messed up and how it makes him feel, but he can't call himself names. We have had that conversation a few times during calm times, and then in the bad times when he is spiralling I can say "Hey. Treat yourself as you would treat a friend," and he knows what I mean and can get a hold of himself.

This is such good advice.

[Anonymous]

"This is such good advice."

+1

Now does anyone have good advice about how to get them to actually risk practicing to see if they improve?

[Anonymous]

"Do you feel better now that you've gotten that out of your system?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"This is such good advice."

+1

Now does anyone have good advice about how to get them to actually risk practicing to see if they improve?

Why? What is your intention/goal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a calm moment, when not in the "I suck" mode, make sure he understands that our thoughts shape our feelings, and if he gives in to the "I suck" self talk it will start a spiral of suckiness. He probably thinks it is a harmless venting of bad feelings, but every time he says "I suck" he is actually creating a little "I suck" circuit in his brain. He doesn't want that.

The other thing I've also done with my son is say it isn't okay to talk about himself in a way he wouldn't talk about a friend. So with baseball, when a friend messes up he says to him: "Its alright, you'll get the next guy out" or whatever. He can describe in words how he messed up and how it makes him feel, but he can't call himself names. We have had that conversation a few times during calm times, and then in the bad times when he is spiralling I can say "Hey. Treat yourself as you would treat a friend," and he knows what I mean and can get a hold of himself.

This is such good advice.

+1 great advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, do you know my son??!!

Do you also happen to be the parent of a pretty incredible kid who gets frustrated by not being perfect in his sport, but also does not put in too much extra effort to get better? If so, then YES, it's the same kid. It breaks my heart to see him so sad. He was crying, repeating "I suck" and "Mom, help me" over and over.

"Okay, son, I will help you. Get out your stick/ball/bat/mitt/whatever and lets go practice." Then do it.

Next get a private coach with regular appointments and go to them. Ask the coach privately to give your son homework (200 wall ball hits every evening, 10 free throw baskets in a row, 100 hits in the batting cage each night). Your kid will want to prove himself to you and his private coach.

Finally, start allowing son to see you repeatedly fail at something (new video game, free throws, etc) and then watch how you correct it through practice.