quick grandparent question

[Anonymous]

Question: DH grew up with doting, kind grandparents who were the "old school" (stay at home mom, cooked every meal from scratch) type. His own father divorced and remarried a new women who is the "new school" type (career oriented, fast talking, cutting remarks etc). Both are in their 60's. Since having kids DH insists on having our kids have the sort of experience he had with sleepovers and long visits at their house. On the flip side, I didn't visit my grandparents a lot and they lived in a completely different state. I need to understand from some objective parents out there if I should be concerned at all? This is not a situation like he had with his southern sweet grandmother and quiet kind grandfather and frankly I don't even like visiting. One of my kids likes visiting and the other does not. TIA.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids? What are you concerned about, exactly? This isn't about you, it's about your kids building a relationship with their grandparents, which is very valuable. If you don't have safety or discipline type issues, then I'd probably send them assuming it won't be a total disaster with the kid that doesn't like visiting. My 4 year old LOVES sleep overs at grandma's now, but the first few were really challenging until she got comfortable with the space/routine.

Also, be mindful about projecting your feelings onto your kids. My mom badmouthed her MIL when I was a kid and it looking back on it, it was very poor parenting on her part. Your kids can tell who you like and who you don't like, don't bias them against their grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Are they loving, involved grandparents during the visits?

[Anonymous]

No - I don't send my children to visit people that I don't really even like visiting. Your husband does not get to decide where you send your child just because he has some nice memories. I'm a strong believer in listening to your gut when it comes to being a parent. Your gut is telling you no. Listen to it.

[Anonymous]

What does career oriented vs. stay-at-home have to do with this?

[Anonymous]

Career, fast-talking, cutting remarks .... so a New Yorker, then?

I'm a New Yorker, and talk fast and make bitchy comments. I am also kind and really listen to kids and bake with them and remember their favorite colors, etc.

A person can be both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Career, fast-talking, cutting remarks .... so a New Yorker, then?

I'm a New Yorker, and talk fast and make bitchy comments. I am also kind and really listen to kids and bake with them and remember their favorite colors, etc.

A person can be both.

Yeah, I am not getting this. DH had a good experience with his grandparents because grandma cooked from scratch but your kids can't possible have a good experience with their grandparents because (step) grandma had a career and speaks quickly? What?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No - I don't send my children to visit people that I don't really even like visiting. Your husband does not get to decide where you send your child just because he has some nice memories. I'm a strong believer in listening to your gut when it comes to being a parent. Your gut is telling you no. Listen to it.

Oh come on, OP did not say anything about them not providing a safe, loving environment. She said SHE doesn't like visiting her in-laws. Surprise, surprise, how many of us do, FFS. That has nothing to do with their ability to be good grandparents and it's terrible to keep kids away from their grandparents just because they don't fit some stereotypical mold.

[Anonymous]

Send them! Then have a get away weekend with you and dh.

[Anonymous]

How old are they and how often do they go?

[Anonymous]

Do they even want the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids? What are you concerned about, exactly? This isn't about you, it's about your kids building a relationship with their grandparents, which is very valuable. If you don't have safety or discipline type issues, then I'd probably send them assuming it won't be a total disaster with the kid that doesn't like visiting. My 4 year old LOVES sleep overs at grandma's now, but the first few were really challenging until she got comfortable with the space/routine.

Also, be mindful about projecting your feelings onto your kids. My mom badmouthed her MIL when I was a kid and it looking back on it, it was very poor parenting on her part. Your kids can tell who you like and who you don't like, don't bias them against their grandparents.

NP here. What you wrote is really wise and I totally agree with it. I need to work on the 2nd part though, absolutely detest my MIL, for now she is simply a grandparent when convenient for her and I guess I should try to take it positively.

[Anonymous]

I would never force a sleepover without a parent. You can and should visit though or your DH should take the kids and visit.

[Anonymous]

Kids should only visit relatives when though parents in tow if/when they want or if there’s an emergency and it can’t be avoided. My personal opinion, nothing more.

So, for the kid who wants to go, great. For the one who doesn’t, I’d make sure the child has something scheduled, and the grandparent knows that.

[Anonymous]

What do you mean by cutting remarks - do they badmouth you or criticize the kids openly? If so, you are justified in not sending them. If not, then I would send with DH. You'll get a break too.