Family members obsessed with extended family gatherings so they can gossip about family

[Anonymous]

My mother and sister are obsessed with getting invited to our cousins. All mom and sister do it gossip afterwards about who got fat, who's kid is no longer on the fancy career path or didn't get into a top college, who seems depressed, who's kid has a fat or anorexic looking significant other and which married couples seem to not be getting along. They certainly aren't perfect themselves. Sister had a bitter divorce, her own weight issue (which makes her obsession with how fat people are all the more strange) and difficult relationship with her kids and mom is estranged from my brother due to things she has done. Even better, when they report to me who is fat, unaccomplished, not getting along, etc and I tell them I prefer not to hear these things, they accuse me of not caring about family?! Anyone else have family obsessed with feeling superior to other members of family all in the name of being a "close knit."

[Anonymous]

They sound very much like my mother and her sisters years ago. Now they've mellowed with age and have become a little more understanding and charitable.

Tell them it reflects poorly on them to take pleasure in what they perceive to be other people's weaknesses, and they look shallow and mean. I'm sure I said that to my mother at one point and it helped her get where she is now.

[Anonymous]

Gosh yes. My mother tried to gossip to me about my cousin's wife's mother. I've only met the wife once...never met the mother. WHO IN THE WORLD CARES?

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately this is very common. Given the choice I would go on vacation during the holidays in order to avoid these scenarios.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like my husband's family. I hat that part of spending time with them. It triggers my own anxiety about not fitting in - what if they're talking about me when I'm not there?

I haven't figured out a way around it since my husband is the sweetest person in the world and would never turn down a family's invitation (he also doesn't seem to recognize the gossip) and I'm too passive aggressive to say anything.

Recognizing what is going on and the feelings it triggers inside myself has helped me cope a little.

[Anonymous]

Yes OP, this sounds exactly like my family. Obsessed with who is "fat" and talks behind family members backs all the time. I moved as far away as I could. They all consider themselves to be "close knit."

My own mom never mellowed out and her gossipy ways intensified as she became older and grumpier.

[Anonymous]

Avoid the cousins gathering. Pointedly change the subject if the mother and./or sister bring up gossip. Leave if necessary -- politely, but don't participate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes OP, this sounds exactly like my family. Obsessed with who is "fat" and talks behind family members backs all the time. I moved as far away as I could. They all consider themselves to be "close knit."

My own mom never mellowed out and her gossipy ways intensified as she became older and grumpier.

I love how when I was struggling with weight after having kids (thyroid shot) and avoiding family who get intoxicated from Schadenfreude, my gossipy mother told me nobody notices these things. Um..you live to gossip about this stuff, what do you mean nobody notices?

[Anonymous]

I have family like this and I like it. Everything is all out in the open versus no one talking about anything. Sure they might talk about who got divorced, but they also help in hard times and genuinely care. DH's family just seems so unreadable. There's ZERO gossip, not even the normal, kind exchanges like who got engaged, whose dog died, who is moving, who is pregnant. I try to make conversation and no one talks. A lot of gossipy families mean well and just need redirected from mean gossip.

[Anonymous]

Why are you choosing to gossip about it here?

All you can control is your part. So they gossip, OK. You don't have to. So they're not perfect. Neither are you. They can pick at you all they want, just say you're not participating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you choosing to gossip about it here?

All you can control is your part. So they gossip, OK. You don't have to. So they're not perfect. Neither are you. They can pick at you all they want, just say you're not participating.

This is a vent not gossip. No names are used. I think most people know they can stay out of it, but sometimes it helps to vent and hear other people have similar experiences.

[Anonymous]

Someone once here brought a story about someone in the news who fixed this. They printed a family newsletter with ALL the gossip
that they distributed to everyone and it was done in the most hilarious way. This literarily killed all the gossip before it began.

[Anonymous]

Make sure you don't listen. If you don't listen, they don't have an audience (or at least not you) Listening or doing nothing makes them think it's ok. The least you can do is say you don't want to hear it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: My mother and sister are obsessed with getting invited to our cousins. All mom and sister do it gossip afterwards about who got fat, who's kid is no longer on the fancy career path or didn't get into a top college, who seems depressed, who's kid has a fat or anorexic looking significant other and which married couples seem to not be getting along. They certainly aren't perfect themselves. Sister had a bitter divorce, her own weight issue (which makes her obsession with how fat people are all the more strange) and difficult relationship with her kids and mom is estranged from my brother due to things she has done. Even better, when they report to me who is fat, unaccomplished, not getting along, etc and I tell them I prefer not to hear these things, they accuse me of not caring about family?! Anyone else have family obsessed with feeling superior to other members of family all in the name of being a "close knit."

Aaaaaand....this is proof positive that hurt people hurt people.

Good on you for not only noticing, but acknowledging, OP - breaking the cycle, and aspiring for bigger and better in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have family like this and I like it. Everything is all out in the open versus no one talking about anything. Sure they might talk about who got divorced, but they also help in hard times and genuinely care. DH's family just seems so unreadable. There's ZERO gossip, not even the normal, kind exchanges like who got engaged, whose dog died, who is moving, who is pregnant. I try to make conversation and no one talks. A lot of gossipy families mean well and just need redirected from mean gossip.

You dont seem to know the difference between family news and gossip. Gossip is talking crap about people behind their backs...it is not in the open at all. "Oh i heard Martha is so thin this year because she has developed an eating disorder while trying to win back her husband who is screwing his assistant."