How to navigate kids friendship in divorce

[Anonymous]

One of DS’s best friends’ parents are going through a divorce. We met when kids were in preschool and have become good family friends. We have traveled together, eaten out countless times, carpools, camps together, sports, sleepovers for kids, etc. Mom and I both became SAHMs at the same time and used to hang out multiple times per week when kids were younger. She went back to work and play dates have mostly become drop off, which is fine. Her DH and my DH became friends over this time and much closer personally compared to my mom friendship with mom.

My friend has pulled away and we haven’t gotten kids together for a while. DH told me they separated last year. Now the husband asked DH to be a character witness because custody is going to get ugly. She doesn’t even respond to my texts anymore.

Can I still just ask the boy to movies or play dates? Should I keep trying even though most requests are just ignored or excuses?

[Anonymous]

Is your DH going to be a character witness against her? If so, stay far, far away!

If you want to support her, then inviting for a drop off playdate is totally fine. If she doesn't respond, just give her space.

[Anonymous]

I don't think your family should be a character witness unless there is an extreme situation. I do think you should continue to invite the child to play dates with yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your DH going to be a character witness against her? If so, stay far, far away!

If you want to support her, then inviting for a drop off playdate is totally fine. If she doesn't respond, just give her space.

It is an awkward situation because she wants full custody and the dad wants joint. The dad wants to stay in the life. She wants to move closer to her work I think and that would be a very commute and probably not doable for him for joint custody. It is a messy situation. She hasn’t told me anything, just what DH tells me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your DH going to be a character witness against her? If so, stay far, far away!

If you want to support her, then inviting for a drop off playdate is totally fine. If she doesn't respond, just give her space.

My guess is the dh is going to be character witness for the DH.

Regardless she’s probably feeling (wrongly) betrayed.

You can reach out with offers of support, but I would try to scale back offers of get togethers/play dates. She’s probably feeling lack of trust all around. The kids’ friendship probably won’t survive outside of school after the divorce unfortunately. I’d just let it fade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your DH going to be a character witness against her? If so, stay far, far away!

If you want to support her, then inviting for a drop off playdate is totally fine. If she doesn't respond, just give her space.

It is an awkward situation because she wants full custody and the dad wants joint. The dad wants to stay in the life. She wants to move closer to her work I think and that would be a very commute and probably not doable for him for joint custody. It is a messy situation. She hasn’t told me anything, just what DH tells me.

I think it’s fine for your DH to say the dad is a good dad and be a character witness. It’s not okay for your DH to be a character witness AGAINST her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your DH going to be a character witness against her? If so, stay far, far away!

If you want to support her, then inviting for a drop off playdate is totally fine. If she doesn't respond, just give her space.

It is an awkward situation because she wants full custody and the dad wants joint. The dad wants to stay in the life. She wants to move closer to her work I think and that would be a very commute and probably not doable for him for joint custody. It is a messy situation. She hasn’t told me anything, just what DH tells me.

I think it’s fine for your DH to say the dad is a good dad and be a character witness. It’s not okay for your DH to be a character witness AGAINST her.

That is correct. The dad wants DH to be a character witness to say he is a good dad.

He would not be a character witness against her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your DH going to be a character witness against her? If so, stay far, far away!

If you want to support her, then inviting for a drop off playdate is totally fine. If she doesn't respond, just give her space.

It is an awkward situation because she wants full custody and the dad wants joint. The dad wants to stay in the life. She wants to move closer to her work I think and that would be a very commute and probably not doable for him for joint custody. It is a messy situation. She hasn’t told me anything, just what DH tells me.

I think it’s fine for your DH to say the dad is a good dad and be a character witness. It’s not okay for your DH to be a character witness AGAINST her.

That is correct. The dad wants DH to be a character witness to say he is a good dad.

He would not be a character witness against her.

Unless the Dad has seen her treat the kids poorly or heard the kids say negative things about her. The DH is responsible for being a honest witness. If DH is closer with the Dad and has spent more time around the kids, he might have seen things that are problematic. Hopefully he is just being to asked about the Dads character and the like and it is not meant to attack the Mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your DH going to be a character witness against her? If so, stay far, far away!

If you want to support her, then inviting for a drop off playdate is totally fine. If she doesn't respond, just give her space.

It is an awkward situation because she wants full custody and the dad wants joint. The dad wants to stay in the life. She wants to move closer to her work I think and that would be a very commute and probably not doable for him for joint custody. It is a messy situation. She hasn’t told me anything, just what DH tells me.

I think it’s fine for your DH to say the dad is a good dad and be a character witness. It’s not okay for your DH to be a character witness AGAINST her.

That is correct. The dad wants DH to be a character witness to say he is a good dad.

He would not be a character witness against her.

Unless the Dad has seen her treat the kids poorly or heard the kids say negative things about her. The DH is responsible for being a honest witness. If DH is closer with the Dad and has spent more time around the kids, he might have seen things that are problematic. Hopefully he is just being to asked about the Dads character and the like and it is not meant to attack the Mom.

DH doesn't want to be involved. We both think that they should get joint custody. If the mom moves, the dad won't be in the children's everyday lives. I just feel bad for the kids. I don't think they should lose their dad.

[Anonymous]

I agree op. Your dh is doing the right thing.

A friend of mine was very vindictive in her divorce and won sole custody. She promptly moved the kids several states away. Really to their detriment. Unless someone is a complete scum bag, people need to remember the children aren’t the ones wanting a divorce.

[Anonymous]

It's tricky OP. I absolutely think your DH should be a character witness for his friend if it's just pro-dad and that's what he thinks; no brainer. I also think it's fine to keep reaching out to the mom w/ play date requests.

If you want, you can even send one single text that says something like (assuming it's true): "I am so sorry to hear what you are currently going through. You have probably heard by now that DH is going to be a character witness for your exDH if needed. He is doing that because your exDH asked and he thinks he is a good dad. He is not doing it because we've taken "sides" in your divorce or because we don't support you; we think you're both fantastic parents and exDH would say as much if asked (though he does not expect to be). I hope Larlo and yourLarlo can continue to be good friends and yourLarlo is welcome here anytime, in fact, we'd love to have him over on XX at YY."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's tricky OP. I absolutely think your DH should be a character witness for his friend if it's just pro-dad and that's what he thinks; no brainer. I also think it's fine to keep reaching out to the mom w/ play date requests.

If you want, you can even send one single text that says something like (assuming it's true): "I am so sorry to hear what you are currently going through. You have probably heard by now that DH is going to be a character witness for your exDH if needed. He is doing that because your exDH asked and he thinks he is a good dad. He is not doing it because we've taken "sides" in your divorce or because we don't support you; we think you're both fantastic parents and exDH would say as much if asked (though he does not expect to be). I hope Larlo and yourLarlo can continue to be good friends and yourLarlo is welcome here anytime, in fact, we'd love to have him over on XX at YY."

Heck to the NO. Do not send a message like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your DH going to be a character witness against her? If so, stay far, far away!

If you want to support her, then inviting for a drop off playdate is totally fine. If she doesn't respond, just give her space.

It is an awkward situation because she wants full custody and the dad wants joint. The dad wants to stay in the life. She wants to move closer to her work I think and that would be a very commute and probably not doable for him for joint custody. It is a messy situation. She hasn’t told me anything, just what DH tells me.

Stay out of it. This is a pretty normal situation in divorce. Dad's probably going to lose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your DH going to be a character witness against her? If so, stay far, far away!

If you want to support her, then inviting for a drop off playdate is totally fine. If she doesn't respond, just give her space.

My guess is the dh is going to be character witness for the DH.

Regardless she’s probably feeling (wrongly) betrayed.

You can reach out with offers of support, but I would try to scale back offers of get togethers/play dates. She’s probably feeling lack of trust all around. The kids’ friendship probably won’t survive outside of school after the divorce unfortunately. I’d just let it fade.

She doesn't want a friendship anymore if she is not responding. Back off and just maintain the kids through Dad.

[Anonymous]

Is she having an affair?