Helping twins make separate friends?

[Anonymous]

I have 12-year-old fraternal BB twins and they have 3 close friends who they've known since kindergarten and who they both spend a lot of time with together. My twins have always been in separate classes but our efforts for them to make different friend groups have never worked.

For example, Twin A has played a sport for the last couple of years but Twin B has made friends with the team too since they all go to the same school. T

win B also has no interest in getting involved in any group activities so there's not a large chance to make new friends that way. They get along pretty well but I'm seeing some tension and fighting, that I wonder if it would be reduced if they had more of their own individual outlets.

Has anyone experienced something similar? Should I just let it be? Or any recommendations on how to help? Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Let it be. I don’t see anything wrong with them having the same friends.

[Anonymous]

My husband is an Irish twin. His brother and him have the same friends. It's not really a problem.

[Anonymous]

Your kid has to make his new friends...not you. That’s probably why it hasn’t worked in the past. Twins are at a slight disadvantage bc they are not comfortable taking risks without the other twin.

[Anonymous]

I also have bb fraternal twins and would let it be. I don’t see why it’s an issue at all? If anything it makes socializing & scheduling things easier

[Anonymous]

Let it play out naturally. Next year MS they will probably meet new people. Signed twin mom

[Anonymous]

I have BG twins. They have merged their friend set in middle school. No worries. Some from elementary and some new from MS.

[Anonymous]

They are almost teenagers. Back down.

[Anonymous]

Fellow mother of fraternal twin boys here (13y) with the same issue. It is compounded by the fact that one kid (team kid) is very extroverted and the other (non team kid) is very introverted. We just give introverted kid opportunities to meet new kids through activities he is interested in (which is minimal - but since we ask that he do one physical activity, he swims, but primarily keeps to himself.)

I agree to let it play out, but while also supporting your kid in finding activities that he enjoys/tolerates and also appreciating that it is harder for some kids to put themselves out there and meet new people.

[Anonymous]

You do not need to engineer their friend groups now that they are 12. You need to listen to what they say about who they want to spend time with and help facilitate that.

Your job as a parent evolves as your children age and evolve, you need to be alert to this or you'll likely find they resent you.

[Anonymous]

Stop treating this like a problem.

My brother is 18 months older than my sister. They are 62 and 60. My brother is extroverted and has a huge cloud of friends and acquaintances. My sister is introverted and only has a very few close friends, most of whom don't live near her anymore. 38 years ago, my brother, newly out of college moved halfway across the country for a new job. He was very happy with his new town. My sister graduated college a year later and took a job near home that was good. She didn't really enjoy it much. After 2 years, she took a new job in my brother's city and moved there. She's been very happy since. She has only made one or two close friends in 30 years. But she still does things with my brother and his friends and his friends have become her friends. And they are both fine with this dynamic. \

FYI, I have younger BB Fraternal twins (8) and they have much the same dynamic as yours. One is more extroverted and makes friends easily. The other is more introverted and doesn't. They have been in separate classes for 2 years, but at their school, the entire grade spends recess and lunch together. So they end up having the same friends because they all play together are recess and lunch. Then my kids have the same friends in aftercare. They have different activities. The extroverted one has taken up skating and has a couple of friends there, but only sees them once/week at skating. The introverted one has taken up drawing/art and is into drawing comic books. No real extra friends. They still have the same set of friends. I don't happen to think it's a problem and don't treat it like one. As long as they have their own interests, I'm fine with who their friends are. I try to build self-reliance in them and have them not rely too much on each other (there's a limit to how much we can influence that), but as for making friends? Not a concern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop treating this like a problem.

My brother is 18 months older than my sister. They are 62 and 60. My brother is extroverted and has a huge cloud of friends and acquaintances. My sister is introverted and only has a very few close friends, most of whom don't live near her anymore. 38 years ago, my brother, newly out of college moved halfway across the country for a new job. He was very happy with his new town. My sister graduated college a year later and took a job near home that was good. She didn't really enjoy it much. After 2 years, she took a new job in my brother's city and moved there. She's been very happy since. She has only made one or two close friends in 30 years. But she still does things with my brother and his friends and his friends have become her friends. And they are both fine with this dynamic. \

FYI, I have younger BB Fraternal twins (8) and they have much the same dynamic as yours. One is more extroverted and makes friends easily. The other is more introverted and doesn't. They have been in separate classes for 2 years, but at their school, the entire grade spends recess and lunch together. So they end up having the same friends because they all play together are recess and lunch. Then my kids have the same friends in aftercare. They have different activities. The extroverted one has taken up skating and has a couple of friends there, but only sees them once/week at skating. The introverted one has taken up drawing/art and is into drawing comic books. No real extra friends. They still have the same set of friends. I don't happen to think it's a problem and don't treat it like one. As long as they have their own interests, I'm fine with who their friends are. I try to build self-reliance in them and have them not rely too much on each other (there's a limit to how much we can influence that), but as for making friends? Not a concern.

How old are YOU?

[Anonymous]

Mom of 11 year old identical boy twins. And my older singleton is best friends with one of a set of fraternal twins. My twins have the same friend group and get along very well with one another. I don’t think it’s a problem that they have the same friends. They each have their better friends in the group but no issues as far as I can tell. My older son’s friend who is. One of the fraternal twins - different story. Those twins had to have different friend groups. It’s merged a bit in middle school but still lots of conflicts. I am very grateful we don’t have that drama. I wouldn’t worry about the shared friends but maybe if you are noticing tension between your two, they just need some solo interest and activities?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom of 11 year old identical boy twins. And my older singleton is best friends with one of a set of fraternal twins. My twins have the same friend group and get along very well with one another. I don’t think it’s a problem that they have the same friends. They each have their better friends in the group but no issues as far as I can tell. My older son’s friend who is. One of the fraternal twins - different story. Those twins had to have different friend groups. It’s merged a bit in middle school but still lots of conflicts. I am very grateful we don’t have that drama. I wouldn’t worry about the shared friends but maybe if you are noticing tension between your two, they just need some solo interest and activities?

OP here -- Yes, this is kind of where we're at PP. It's just hard since they both want to be with their shared group of friends and want to do activities with those kids, which keeps them together.

[Anonymous]

I think you just need to keep fostering their individual interests which will likely begin to diverge more as they get older. Also, keep spending some time solo with each kid. That will encourage continued independence and help you tap in to their lives and subtly guide them.