wwyd--5 year old discipline situation

[Anonymous]

While I was out DS 5 helped himself to a new Lego set that was in our confiscation/no kids allowed cabinet (over top of the fridge--we are still not sure how he did it). He opened it and got DH to play with him and the set. DH didn't know it was new because DS hid the box behind some drapes. DS knows that that cabinet is off limits and he hid the box which tells me that he knew he wasn't supposed to get it. I'm mad because it was something I was saving for the next birthday party invitation. In general I feel like DS does not respect me or the house rules although he does great at preschool. I took the set. The complicating factor is that DS is sort of sick and DH feels bad for him as it was a quiet activity he could do when sick. Am I laying down the law like it should be or a total mean mommy? DS has been crying fo the last 20 minutes. DH is a soft touch and hates to hear the kids cry so I feel like I'm not supported in my decision.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure he knew you were going to re-gift the legos? And were those Legos originally "his", until you unanimously decided it was going to be re-gifted, so maybe your DS saw "his" bday present that Granny gave him months ago.

Trying to see the other side of the story. You have such a knee jerk reaction and you must have comedown harshly given your kid, who isnt feeling that great to begin with, is crying for the past 20 min.

Did you (or dh) set him up for failure? Did your dh engage with him while you were out? Were there other toys to keep his mind off of things?

Sounds like he was left to his own devices so he snooped around, discovered a cool looking Lego set, and decided to try it out.

[Anonymous]

Guessing you had plenty of other quiet activities that could have been done instead. He was not too sick to plot a plan and carry it through, despite physical challenges. He knew better and was being intensionally deceptive. It was not his to take. Donate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure he knew you were going to re-gift the legos? And were those Legos originally "his", until you unanimously decided it was going to be re-gifted, so maybe your DS saw "his" bday present that Granny gave him months ago.

Trying to see the other side of the story. You have such a knee jerk reaction and you must have comedown harshly given your kid, who isnt feeling that great to begin with, is crying for the past 20 min.

Did you (or dh) set him up for failure? Did your dh engage with him while you were out? Were there other toys to keep his mind off of things?

Sounds like he was left to his own devices so he snooped around, discovered a cool looking Lego set, and decided to try it out.

This sort of coddling nonsense is what makes it hard for kids to go to school and respect rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guessing you had plenty of other quiet activities that could have been done instead. He was not too sick to plot a plan and carry it through, despite physical challenges. He knew better and was being intensionally deceptive. It was not his to take. Donate it.

Agree with all of this. He knew what he was doing.
Your language to your son (with your spouse right there with you) needs to be along the line of: “You chose to break our trust by climbing up there and taking the Legos. You knew you were not supposed to do that. You then hid the box from Daddy. When you don’t make the right choices, we have to step in and make different choices for you. The LEGO set is now gone. And the privilege of playing with _____ is gone for this week. (Screen access?) Go to your room and sit down with a book or just doing nothing.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure he knew you were going to re-gift the legos? And were those Legos originally "his", until you unanimously decided it was going to be re-gifted, so maybe your DS saw "his" bday present that Granny gave him months ago.

Trying to see the other side of the story. You have such a knee jerk reaction and you must have comedown harshly given your kid, who isnt feeling that great to begin with, is crying for the past 20 min.

Did you (or dh) set him up for failure? Did your dh engage with him while you were out? Were there other toys to keep his mind off of things?

Sounds like he was left to his own devices so he snooped around, discovered a cool looking Lego set, and decided to try it out.

Really not sure where you got all that from. Seems pretty clear the kid knew what he was doing. OP, do not let him have the legos, you can not reward this type of behavior.

[Anonymous]

Op here. The legos were in a box of regiftable toys. He knows what that box is for. They were originally given to his brother. As for my DH I have no idea what he was doing but at five he knows there are rules.

[Anonymous]

So dh didn't realize the Legos were supposed to be hands-off, but you expect DS to know?

[Anonymous]

Guess you need a new hiding spot now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So dh didn't realize the Legos were supposed to be hands-off, but you expect DS to know?

From OPs post - DS knew because of the location it was in. DH was not aware of where it was from and the new packaging was tucked away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So dh didn't realize the Legos were supposed to be hands-off, but you expect DS to know?

Yes. The kid climbed up to an out of reach cabinet that has been specifically designated for toys not to be touched. Took down a box of Legos. Hid the box behind a curtain while playing with some of the Legos out in the open with dad.
In a house with kids, there are lots of Legos. It is perfectly reasonable that one parent didn’t know that they came from the forbidden cabinet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So dh didn't realize the Legos were supposed to be hands-off, but you expect DS to know?

Yes. The kid climbed up to an out of reach cabinet that has been specifically designated for toys not to be touched. Took down a box of Legos. Hid the box behind a curtain while playing with some of the Legos out in the open with dad.
In a house with kids, there are lots of Legos. It is perfectly reasonable that one parent didn’t know that they came from the forbidden cabinet.

And that kids generally are more aware of toys than grownups.

[Anonymous]

It is okay for him to cry. He did something he knew was wrong and is disappointed he got caught. Let him work through his feelings on that.

[Anonymous]

Time for you to have a sit down with spouse.
“It seems like you’re struggling to impose consequences on Larlo, especially when he’s crying. What’s your thinking about that?”

Then listen to him.
Explain that you both are on the same page that you want to raise kids who understand right from wrong, who have integrity, who can self-regulate and who are kind and decent people. Kids naturally want to test boundaries. It’s our job as parents to set them up for success and to let them know when they’ve crossed those boundaries.

It’s not easy to hold our kids accountable, but it’s necessary. And it’s actually the kindest thing we can do. Kids who don’t know where the boundaries are struggle with confusion and uncertainty. They struggle to trust.

[Anonymous]

Hold him accountable by taking away the lego set now.

He is 5 and you are expecting a really high level of self control. I don't know any 5 yr old who can't get up to the cabinet on top of the refrigerator BTW.

You need a new hiding place and put a child proof lock on it. Keep the new place a secret. The level of self control you were expecting from your child is above the level of self control that he has at this age.

That is why you should still have prescription bottles tucked away at this point.

You have the child you have and he will get more impulse control, but he is not outside the range of normal at this age. Your expectations were outside the range of normal.