What do you owe a a bad elderly parent?

[Anonymous]

I know there are no right or wrong answers-just curious as to how others in this situation have handled it. I have a father who was a terrible parent. Without going into all of the details, I've spent years in therapy trying to deal with the very dysfunctional dynamics in my family and getting myself to a decent place mentally. My mother had (and has) her issues but ultimately she continued to function as a parent-my father was in and out of my life and when he was around was emotionally abusive. Now that he's old and alone he wants a relationship and seems to have forgotten his past behavior. He continues to blame other people for his problems and takes very little responsibility. I'm struggling with what (if anything) I owe him. I don't love him but as a human being I feel a sense of guilt and obligation-he's a sad, mentally ill individual with very few connections...he's burned a lot bridges. Family members (including siblings) have varying opinions of what they think my/our role should be and I know that whatever I decide there will be people that will disagree and judge. He's living independently now (in another state) but has health issues.

[Anonymous]

You owe him nothing. You certainly don’t owe it to him to sacrifice yourself and ruin part of the rest of your life after he made part of your past life crappy. Just because he’s burned a lot of bridges doesn’t mean you have to fill that void for him. Protect yourself and steer clear.

[Anonymous]

You don’t owe him anything. But you do have to live with yourself now and after he dies. So do what is going to be best for you (not him).
Better to suck it up and help him so you don’t live with guilt—do that.
Better to protect your self and mental health—do that.
Find a way to care long distance (pay for stuff, but have limited contact) so you can eliminate guilt but protect yourself, do that.

[Anonymous]

You owe him nothing.

Visit him if there are questions you want answered before he dies (though he may not give answers, or honest answers, remember).

Congrats on making a life despite this person. Do what works for you. Ask your spouse or therapist if you are still conflicted. Not that they should decide, but they may help you understand the choice more clearly.

[Anonymous]

This is the OP-thank you for the responses. I'm working on figuring out what my boundaries and doing what's best for myself and my brother and sister. I don't want any of them to be be stuck with dealing with him but I need to protect myself too-working on figuring out what that will look like as time goes on. Thankfully at this point he has no plans to move back to the DMV.

[Anonymous]

OP, I also have a crappy elderly dad, for whom I'm the executor. My mom divorced him when I was in college (finally), but she passed away several years ago.

I feel you. I recently went to visit and check in. Nothing was any different than I expected it to be deep down. Therapy is helping.

[Anonymous]

I’m in agreement with the others, you owe him nothing.

You strike the arrangement that works for you, and please don’t feel guilty. Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

One of my good friends is in a similar situation with her elderly father. He was abusive (physically and emotionally) and had substance abuse issues when he was around, and eventually he abandoned my friend and her siblings and disappeared for many years, providing no support and leaving them to be neglected and abused by their equally toxic mother. Now that he's old and sick, he's rewritten history about the kind of father he was. He constantly calls and tries to guilt my friend and her siblings into visiting and giving him money. Therapy has helped my friend establish some boundaries around visiting. It's still very hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of my good friends is in a similar situation with her elderly father. He was abusive (physically and emotionally) and had substance abuse issues when he was around, and eventually he abandoned my friend and her siblings and disappeared for many years, providing no support and leaving them to be neglected and abused by their equally toxic mother. Now that he's old and sick, he's rewritten history about the kind of father he was. He constantly calls and tries to guilt my friend and her siblings into visiting and giving him money. Therapy has helped my friend establish some boundaries around visiting. It's still very hard.

Meant to add - my friend's father is in a nursing home in another state and she visits once or twice a year with gifts. She also speaks to him on the phone every few months. Any more and she finds herself in a bad place emotionally. It's all about what you're comfortable with you - you owe him nothing.

[Anonymous]

I was wondering that too. My whole childhood my father at best ignored me and at worst belittled and criticized me. And then he really hurt me emotionally when I was an adult.

If you ask him though he will probably tell you he paid bills and for a roof over my head and and drove me to school.

My mom passed away and I haven't spoken to him for over 10 years. I'm fine with that because I don't see anything positive coming out of a relationship with him.

So I wonder what my obligations are.

[Anonymous]

You owe a bad parent nothing. The question is what you owe yourself...if you want to do something kind b/c you want to think of yourself that way, then be the person you aspire to be without regard to who the recipient is. Only you know what you will be happy with long term.

I do get it...I can live with not engaging any more. But some people will have mental conflict if they DON'T do anything.

[Anonymous]

You owe yourself the power to forgive and heal.

[Anonymous]

I’m in a similar place with my mom. It is hard, and I especially struggle with the fact that when I don’t help, the burden falls on others I care about who live closer. I’m not sure what I’ll do when her needs are greater.

[Anonymous]

You owe him a roof and not to starve. That’s it.

[Anonymous]

My mother use to live in a senior building, 55 and older and she would come and go and we would pass by the people in wheelchairs and sitting alone and never seemed to have any company or anyone visiting them. I asked her about it and she said, don't feel to sad for these people they have done things in their lives that has lead them to this situation. Just cause someone is frail and in a wheelchair doesn't mean they aren't or haven't been hell on wheels to the people in their lives and this is where that ended them. It is about choices, the choices you make are the cumulative result of where your life is. Don't feel to sad it was their choice and no one elses