Donor egg pregnancy - feeling unsettled
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Anonymous
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I am 8w pregnant with a donor embryo pregnancy. DH and i have been working with an RE for 4 years and trying on our own for longer before that. This pregnancy was my 2nd FET with embryos created with donor egg and DHs sperm. After the first FET didnt work I remember feeling ambivalent (compared with OE cycles) and slightly relieved. Then we plowed forward and I got pregnant.
I was graduated from my RE's office late last week and I am not feeling settled. I keep running through my mind the 2 miscarriages I had with my own embryos and thinking about the regret I feel about the wasted embryos that failed before I did an ERA that showed my window was off (I had 2 pgs-normals that didnt implant). Basically, I think I am focusing on all of this bc I am not comfortable with my pregnancy. I am still so sad about the loss of the genetic tie and I am terrified I wont love this baby. I am one of those ppl who always planned and wanted to be a mom and then infertility hit. It feels strange for me to be pregnant and be anything other than ecstatic. I guess my question is are my feelings and fears normal? Did you have any of these thoughts and did they peter out? Was everything ok after delivery? |
Anonymous
| Those are perfectly normal feelings to have. Even when it’s all according to the original plan, pregnancy can cause all sorts of feelings and regrets. The overwhelming odds are that you will adore your baby at first sight, and even if you don’t, you will bond over time. |
Anonymous
| A lot of people have these feelings. Even people using their own eggs. Pregnancy is strange and new and there isn't only one right way to feel. I was irrationally upset when people mentioned my pregnancy and felt ambivalent about it even though we'd tried for 4 years for the baby. With my second baby I didn't feel love for the first few weeks and felt guilty over that. You're very normal! |
Anonymous
| I'm not yet pregnant with donor eggs, we just started the process but I can tell you that pregnancy after infertility even with own eggs may feel strange. We attempted IVF 8 times with my own eggs, and only once we had embryos to transfer. I got pregnant with twins, only to lose them at 9 weeks. The grief was immense, but I also felt relief. I was relieved that the worst had happened and I didn't have to worry anymore. Of course, I then felt guilt over my relief. I think it's the hormones and the roller coaster of infertility that cause us to feel these incredibly complex feelings. |
Anonymous
| It sounds like you are also still grieving your losses. I'm 11 weeks and lost the previous pregnancy at 6 weeks. I'm barely telling anyone at this point because I feel exactly as you do. I even know the gender now and its helping a little but I still feel like I'm not pregnant and could lose it any day. This pregnancy is from my own eggs so that's not why I feel this way. Big hugs to us both, hopefully it gets easier as time goes on. |
Anonymous
| Not the same situation as you, OP, but we are a same sex couple and my wife is both the bio mom and carried our boys. I have no genetic (or other) ties to them aside from having legally adopted them both. But they could not be more mine - I love these boys with every ounce of my being. I agree with others that your anxiety is probably also rooted in your losses and a feeling of when you can just relax and enjoy the pregnancy. I'm sure you had to see a counselor before going the DE route. Maybe seeing a therapist now would be helpful? |
Anonymous
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You're going to love your baby. All babies are extremely lovable. Even if you found this one in a cabbage patch you would love it! Trust me - when the baby is born you are going to be so busy loving it and being tired as sh*t that you won't give it a second thought.
One of the really nice things about motherhood that I didn't anticipate is that I LOVE ALL BABIES now. I always like babies, but now it's like there's one giant world of babies and toddlers and I am all of their moms. It's really universal. |
Anonymous
This is very sweet but OP please don’t worry if you don’t feel like this. Not everyone does and that’s ok. It is true though that you will eventually love your baby. |
Anonymous
| I don’t want to minimize the genetic link. But my babies looked nothing like me and I loved them immediately. The hormones released during pregnancy are POWERFUL, and the ones at birth even more so. |
Anonymous
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Op here thank you everyone for your kind replies. There are defin. some good mantras in there. It helps to know my feelings are normal, and to recognize my grief is real and that others have gone through it.
I know I love babies; throughout this whole process I have loved getting to meet and play with and celebrate all my friends' babies. I just need to separate my feelings and sad thoughts from what my rational self knows: that i want to be a mom and ill love being a mom. Hopefully if I find out the sex in a few weeks that will help me start to think about this baby. |
Anonymous
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I’m sure what your feeling is totally normal but the genetic tie is really not so important. My kids are adopted and I could not love them any more. But I feel like I love my kids more than any parent loves their kids even though I know that all parents feel this way!
You will be a great mom. |
Anonymous
+1, no genetic ties here and it couldn't be a more perfect fit. |
Anonymous
+2. Same here. I love my child (adopted) so very, very much. I can’t imagine my life without her. |
Anonymous
oh of course - I wrote this and by "love" I mean more like "completely involved with." For me the true love came later when I could separate myself from the newborn stage a bit more. So yes, OP do not worry if you don't immediately fall in love ... but I predict by the first smile you'll be a goner! |
Anonymous
| I have one OE and one DE. I love them the same. The feelings about genetics are different than the love and affection I feel. There's a recognition you feel when there's a visible genetic link but plenty of people have kids that favor their spouse exclusively or don't look like either parent (lots of recessive traits). I do still wish in a tiny way that my DE kid had come from my egg but he's a pretty amazing person with some fantastic qualities and I wouldn't want to change him. |