If you have 4+ children

[Anonymous]

Do you feel like you’re able to fully give your time to each? I feel like I have just enough to give my 3, but we have a frozen embryo that I can’t sign off on destroying or giving away. I wouldn’t mind having a 4th, except for feeling like it was taking away something from the others. If it matters, they’re currently 10, 7, and just turned 4 and I’m a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

I only have two but I wish I'd had more. I only didn't because we aren't wealthy and I am not a SAHM. With your spacing, I don't think you'd have trouble giving enough time to four, since you don't have to spend 8 hours at an office every day.

[Anonymous]

I’m the youngest of 4 and have 4 myself. I would probably do it since you have older kids. I felt like once I had two kids it was all the same after that. I feel like the older ones start pulling away more to hang out with friends or do activities. My 14 year old and even 9 year old don’t seem to need me as much as the younger ones. I do see some parents that have 4 kids that have a 1st grader as their oldest and I don’t know how they do it.

[Anonymous]

I would agree with the previous poster. You can have a large family as long as none of them need a ton of attention (special needs, learning issues, social issues, etc.). If any of them need a lot of one on one time, chances are you will hit a limit on what you can do. Its also a lot easier when they get older, so large age gaps make a big difference.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I was talking about love languages with the kids a couple years ago and one of them said it makes her feel loved when she comes home and smells food cooking. One feels loved when I put her clean shirts in rainbow order. So maybe sometimes I don't have time for an hour-long talk about the drama of sixth grade but I can have something baking in the oven when she comes home. It takes two seconds to put a note near the front door that says, "Meredith, INHALE!"

Also, a lot of parents think that spending time has to be some super fun/expensive outting. But really, we just spend time doing errands together and that's enough. One of my kids will sit on the counter and talk to me as I clean up from dinner. One will lean in the doorway watching me put on makeup while we chat.

Be open to different opportunities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would agree with the previous poster. You can have a large family as long as none of them need a ton of attention (special needs, learning issues, social issues, etc.). If any of them need a lot of one on one time, chances are you will hit a limit on what you can do. Its also a lot easier when they get older, so large age gaps make a big difference.

OP here. My middle one does have some disabilities, which is why I quit my teaching job - too difficult with his therapy schedule plus appointments plus taking sick days for 3 kids. Outside of his appointments, I wouldn’t say he requires more of my attention/energy than my other 2, though. And, truthfully, having siblings has been the amazing for him developmentally. I do worry what would happen if our 4th also had any issues.

[Anonymous]

Both of my parents are one of four and were very close to their parents, as were their three siblings. They are also close to their siblings. I think it's all about family culture. My husband is one of six and doesn't have a very close relationship with either and feels he got lost in the shuffle, though admittedly six is way more than four.

We will try to have three and are open for a fourth if they first three are easy.

[Anonymous]

The dilemma is you can’t always predict if there will be a special need. Maybe baby #4 is born with a developmental problem, maybe child #3 develops a learning disorder or there is an accident with one of the children or one goes through a serious illness. I feel like over 3, unless you have a lot of family help, if anything upsets the applecart you are hosed. Doesn’t seem like a smart situation to be in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The dilemma is you can’t always predict if there will be a special need. Maybe baby #4 is born with a developmental problem, maybe child #3 develops a learning disorder or there is an accident with one of the children or one goes through a serious illness. I feel like over 3, unless you have a lot of family help, if anything upsets the applecart you are hosed. Doesn’t seem like a smart situation to be in.

I think that if you think this way, you'll talk yourself out of having any kids at all. Honestly any family, of any size, faced with a kid with a developmental problem, learning disorder, or serious accident/illness with one of their children is "hosed." Nobody's sitting around like, "thank goodness we only have three, or that terrible car accident #1 was in would've really sucked!"

[Anonymous]

Definitely NOT. Three is a perfect number of kids. Four is a lot. You won’t be able to devote the time you want to each kids. It will get harder when you have to take them to practices and games. You will have games happening at the same time. What happens when three events coalesce on the same day at the same time? You have to choose what to do. Four kids is EXPENSIVE. Think college... you will have to pay tuition for 4 colleges. If your kid needs therapy, most psychologists around here don’t take insurance. T can cost you $200 a week per child. This is just the tip of the iceberg.

[Anonymous]

I actually do feel like I can give each one time and special attention but I mainly attribute it to them being spaced out a great deal. My oldest is 11, middle two are 8 and 5 and my "little kids" are 3.5 and 5 months. Having 5 kids in a 10/11 year span is much different than a 6 or 7 or even 8 year span IMO. The downside of that is I have been "starting" over for years now! First at 25 and last at 37. I also do almost nothing (beyond specific date nights and one annual trip with my husband) alone. I am always trying to take one kid on every errand to talk and get caught up. I have to maximize every single nap with the baby and make sure Im using that time with another kid. All my babysitter money goes towards going to other kids school programs, field trips, or sporting events where I can't take the little kids. I really try and utilize every hour in the day.

PS: I have gutted myself on DCUM before with my "secret" but my one tip for moms of 3,4,5 + kids is to use a gym daycare daily. I go 5 times a week and workout 3 times a week. Those other 2 days I just take a long shower and do my bills in the locker room or catch up on my texts in the sauna. Sometimes I will spend 40 minutes blowing out my hair if I have an event that weekend, just a little breather!

[Anonymous]

Im a sahm and have four ages 8, 4, 3, and 3 months. I say go for it, you’ll have plenty of time if that’s your primary concern. Your youngest will start k next year and you’ll have so
much sweet time with the baby. Oldest is about to think they are too cool for you. You can have plenty of time with middle two while baby sleeps.
4 is honestly not much different than 3, just a bit more sleep deprived. You’ve gotta give the embryo a shot or you would
always wonder about who it might have been.

[Anonymous]

We have five. All grown up now. My youngest is 18. I SAH. There is no way I could have worked and given them the attention they needed. Our house was loud and crazy and chaotic. But so much fun. They come home often and nothing really seems to change. They are still wild. Now they bring their wild spouses and kids.

[Anonymous]

I was youngest of 4 - only have 2 - wish we had more. 4 growing was SO much fun and we are a still tight knit family as adults. Both my parents worked by the time I was in elementary school - I never gave it a second thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I was talking about love languages with the kids a couple years ago and one of them said it makes her feel loved when she comes home and smells food cooking. One feels loved when I put her clean shirts in rainbow order. So maybe sometimes I don't have time for an hour-long talk about the drama of sixth grade but I can have something baking in the oven when she comes home. It takes two seconds to put a note near the front door that says, "Meredith, INHALE!"

Also, a lot of parents think that spending time has to be some super fun/expensive outting. But really, we just spend time doing errands together and that's enough. One of my kids will sit on the counter and talk to me as I clean up from dinner. One will lean in the doorway watching me put on makeup while we chat.

Be open to different opportunities.

Arranging shirts is not 1-1 time.